Andrea's space

TV Dinners, Swans and new Friends

2011-12-19T22:02:00.001Z

Work continues to occupy way more of my time than I’d like it to. But there have been pleasant interludes.

The Christmas TV dinner at Billie and Kathie’s was great. Sally came along as well, and it was really nice to see Tina, Laura, Julia, Nikki, Billie, Kathie, Katie, Jan and everyone else …

The Surrey Swans meeting at the end of November was fun as well. Good to catch up on things with Emma and others. A few new people have been able to get along as well which is really nice … even someone that actually lives in Transylvania has been along a couple of times now.

Several weeks ago I received an email asking for some information about the Surrey Swans group.

I'm very shy and nervous and not very confident as I’ve not been out before … I really want to start enjoying my TV life …

Since then Rachel’s had a meal with Sally and myself and is looking forwards to getting along to the Surrey Swans meeting in January next year. It was really nice to meet Rachel… and a privilege to be one of the first people to ever meet her. It will be really nice getting to know her better.

The hotel is booked for Sparkle 2012 and hopefully a few of us will be able to get along to Pink Punters sometime early in 2012,

Matthew Chapter 1: Family history, prophecies and a virgin birth

2011-11-24T20:55:00.001Z

Here is the beginning of my account of revisiting the Bible.

As I’ve mentioned previously, in my early youth I was an atheist. At the age of 18, as a student, I became a born again evangelical Christian. More recently I’ve become more of a sceptical kind of agnostic. I’ve also reached a position in my life where I’ve been able to accept and enjoy my own trans or mixed gendered-ness. My opinions and feelings on male and female sexuality have changed a lot.

For a year or more now I’ve been meaning to see if Jesus, Christianity and the Bible still have things to say to me.

As a start I’ve spent some time reading and thinking about the first chapter of Matthew’s gospel. There’s a copy of it here.

In a way it’s tricky.

Who wrote it? What motivated them? Is it trustworthy or true?

Different people say different things about this. I’ve read things that have discussed this.

Like many things in life, there’s no absolute and incontrovertible proof one way or the other.

I’m going to try to read the whole gospel without worrying too much about who wrote it or what their motives might have been. I’ll try and just read the words to see what they have to say to me.

It begins with a list of what it says are the ancestors of Jesus.

Actually they are ancestors of Joseph.

Soon after the list of Joseph’s ancestors it goes on to say that Joseph wasn’t actually the father of Jesus.

So it’s strange that the ancestors should be classed as ancestors of Jesus. According to this passage at any rate, they aren’t biological ancestors.

The list of ancestors is interesting. Some well known and revered names … Abraham, David, Solomon. None of them perfect. All fallible. A name that seems is given prominence is David and mention is made of Bathsheba.

The story of David and Bathsheba is almost like a soap operatic tragedy. I just read through that again … it’s here and continued here. It’s hard not to get side-tracked from looking at Matthew’s gospel at this point. David did such an awful thing. And it’s hard to understand what God was up to in it all … it seems that God punished David by killing an innocent baby.

Then there is the story of the virgin conception. Joseph didn’t believe it until an Angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream.

It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t generally happen, so I can understand why he’d find it difficult to believe. And so do I.

I suspect that most Christians that believe in the virgin conception do so because they are Christians rather than the other way round. People don’t usually become Christians because they got convinced about the virgin conception. It was something else that convinced them about Christianity.

So it was with me when I believed it.

To some … to many… it’s a critically important truth. The thing that allows Jesus to be both Divine and human.

There’s mention that the birth of Jesus came about the way that it did in fulfilment of prophecies made in the Old Testament of the Bible.

To me at the moment, the genealogy isn’t so important. Nor the idea that the birth of Jesus was in fulfilment of prophecies. Nor the concept of the virgin birth.

The passage maybe raises more questions than it gives answers. Life seems to be like that as well. It seems to be there to set the scene and define the credentials of Jesus.

I’ve read that Matthew’s gospel was especially aimed at a Jewish audience for whom all of this would be significant. But is it true? Did it happen that way? Does it matter if it did or didn’t? If it didn’t happen that way … did the person that wrote it know … what does it say about their motives and integrity?

It would be kind of nice if an angel were to come along and explain some of it to me. Or just say to me that it’s how things are. Or that God is there and that all will be well. So far, at least as far as I know, this hasn’t happened to me.

I’ll try and be open to the possibility … but it’s not difficult to be sceptical.

It’s encouraging, in a strange sort of way, that some of the people mentioned in the genealogy are as noteworthy for their shortcomings as they are for their successes.

Mortality and beliefs

2011-11-10T22:34:00.001Z

Recently one of our pet cats lost the use of her back legs all of a sudden. She was 18 years old. We paid a visit to the vet and, as we expected, there was no treatment that he could offer other than to put her to sleep.

The incident raised all kinds of thoughts and feelings.

Sooty was Katie’s (my younger daughter’s) pet. Katie came home so that she could be at the vets … to be able to say goodbye.

I so much wanted to be able to make things better.

The decision to allow the vet to inject the lethal dose of chemicals wasn’t easy to make … even in a situation when no kinder alternative seemed to exist.

She lays half paralysed

Yet able to warble in her own special way

At the touch of a hand or a whisper

Gentle caresses and words of comfort

As the needle delivers its payload

Ultimately helpless

We are all slaves of time

Events like this make me wonder about life and death.

Over the years my views on this have changed. From atheist to born again Christian to agnostic to I don’t really know.

Last weekend I was talking with a friend about how once life seemed to include a lot of black and white issues. Rights and wrongs. Whereas now there seem to be many shades of grey. Which reminds me of a song Where do we go from here? that was part of a Christian Musical called Lonesome Stone way back in the early 1970’s.

Last Christmas I read A new kind of Christianity by Brian McLaren at the recommendation of Dani. I was surprised by it … offering a possibility of some kind of a return to some kind of a belief when I’d thought that there had been no way back.

I’ve not made much progress on that front up to now, but I’m thinking about it still.

In moving from a position of atheism to being born again I was influenced heavily by Christians that I met at university who were connected with The Navigators. There was a great deal that was good about the experience.

More recently I’ve found the concept of belief in God to be a whole lot harder. The reasons for this are mixed. They include gender, sexuality and, I guess, rationalism.

As I’ve been able to accept and be happy with my own feelings of mixed gender I’ve not really revisited the beliefs that I once held.

And so … perhaps now I will.

There are a lot of different approaches that I could take.

For now I think it will be similar, in some ways, to the approach that was recommended to me back in the 1970’s … a look at the gospels in the New Testament of the Bible. Some of the things that Brian McLaren says in his book fit into this approach as well … he suggests that the way to understand the Bible is to start with Jesus … the Gospels … rather than attempting to understand Jesus and the Gospels by reading the rest of the Bible first.

But, there will also be significant differences.

I’ll be looking at it from a different angle … with a different set of life experiences and different expectations.

My views on gender and sexuality are different than they used to be. I know that will affect how I interpret and understand things.

In a way it will be a backslidden Tranny perspective on what it all says. And to some people maybe that makes the whole exercise futile and meaningless.

But as a backslidden Tranny I’m hoping that it will mean something to me.

I don’t know where it will lead me … closer or further away from a belief in God.

But it’s something I feel that I need to do.

If you’re reading this I’d value your comments, thoughts and feelings … from whatever perspective you make them … so please comment.

Tomorrow … or soon after … I’ll begin reading the gospel of Matthew.

Chris While, Julie Matthews and a Letter to the President

2011-10-19T21:37:00.001+01:00

On Monday Sally and I went to see Chris While and Julie Matthews at the Nettlebed Folk Club.

We both enjoyed it a lot. The music was great and it’s special to have a chance to get to hear some of the background behind the songs.

The songs … a mix of brand new and old …. evoked a whole range of thoughts and feelings.

Some of the things I remember from it …

The opening song was an encouragement to try to see beyond whatever the hassles of the moment are … to believe that things will get better … and a celebration of what can be the beauty of life.

A song by Julie Matthews … Hope Springs … you can see and hear it here. I think I maybe mentioned this once before. Julie wrote it in memory of a friend that died of cancer one Christmas eve. The friend was in her mid thirties and had hoped to live into the January so she could be there for her daughter’s first birthday. But it wasn’t to be. And yet, somehow, people find hope even in the midst of despair.

A song from Chris While, Steady Breathing that you can listen to a little of here. Chris wrote this after spending time with her sister prior to her sister’s chemotherapy treatment. That was eight years ago and things are good.

Julie sang a new one that was inspired by her feelings relating to some things she had heard and researched relating to the 9 – 11 remembrance things that happened recently. She mentioned that there had been no room for the rescue services at the gatherings … that almost as many firelighters have died since 9 –11 as died at the time … from illnesses that they likely contracted because of the work that they did in dealing with the aftermath. And that survivors who are dying because of the work that they did have no health cover … there’s some information on this here. Julie said that as she found out more about this she needed a way to release some of her anger. And part of this was to write a song about it … Inconvenient Heroes.

Another song … I’m not sure of the title … but the words I apologise featured heavily in it. One of those songs where I think just about everyone, in their honest moments, will think … yes … that’s me as well. The smallness of the two words and the way that they can sound like lies even when spoken sincerely. The way in which we hurt each other. Made me cry. Not unhappily. More out of a sense of empathy.

Walking at lunchtime yesterday I thought about apologies and sorrow. Mistakes we make. How it can take a lifetime to build a trust but only moments to destroy it. How easy it is to say something. How impossible it is to un-say it. It seems as though there’s a built in inevitability in life that people who are close to each other will sometimes hurt each other. And there is ever a need for apologies and for forgiveness.

Another thought and feeling provoking song sung by Chris that I don’t know the title of … the sadness and pain of a relationship where people have grown apart and don’t really see how it ever got to be that way … to arrive at a place where “everything we say seems to be goodbye”.

A lighter hearted look at the circles we seem to run in … spending so much time diggin’ holes and filling ‘em in.

It was a really great evening. If you ever get the chance to go and see them … go ahead and do it.

Today I was walking and thinking about the fire-fighters in the USA who have no healthcare and are sick because of the work they did after the carnage of 9-11.

I thought that there’s not a lot I can really do to solve the whole problem. But maybe there is someone that can.

So tonight I spent a few minutes sending an email to him at http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact.

These are my words:

Dear Mr President,

A few days ago I was at a concert here in England. Julie Matthews introduced a song that she had written that had been inspired by the recent 9-11 commemoration events.

She had heard that many fire-fighters had died and others are desperately sick because of the valiant work that they did in helping deal with the aftermath. And yet, many of these men and women are without healthcare.

Julie said she had written the song as a way of helping to come to terms with the anger that she’d felt at hearing of all this.

I believe that irrespective of party politics you are a man who always wants to do what is right.

Please would you do all in your power to see that these men and women and their loved ones are taken care of?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

There’s a lot more that could be said, I know. And I don’t know that it will make much difference.

In the end, though, if enough people say the same thing politicians do sometimes take heed and listen. And, actually, even though I don’t agree with everything that President Obama says or does, I do believe that he wants to do what is right. It’s just not at all easy knowing what is right.

Bitter sweetness

2011-10-11T22:36:00.001+01:00

The past few months have been a mix.

Life is a mix.

A holiday walking in northern Italy. Engagement of our elder daughter. Younger daughter starting afresh at university. A cousin diagnosed with cancer a while ago approaching the end of this life. Our closest friends being told that they must change their beliefs and convictions or be unwelcome at the church they have been involved with for over thirty years. Long, long hours at work.

The leaves are falling from the trees. Winter approaches. And, in the words of Chris While, the night is stealing from the day.

Today as I walked I wondered what it is that ultimately wins. Life or death? There was a time that I sang along with the hymns that talked about death having lost its sting. I tend not to sing hymns any more.

Life, death. Beginnings, ends. Bitter, sweet.

Maybe each needs the other somehow.

There is, I think, no safety in life.

As Simon and Garfunkel sang ... a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries. But neither do rocks and islands smile.

To love, and to be loved it seems, is to find purpose and meaning. And also to lay oneself open to pain.

It seems to be the way that things are.

While I was in Italy I read through the book of Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament of the Bible.

It’s kind of well known in parts:

For everything there is a season,

and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Ecclesiastes is full of contradictions. Wisdom. Foolishness. Hope. Despair.

A bit like life.

Creation, Evolution, Lies and Truth

2011-07-26T23:42:00.001+01:00

Over the weekend I read and then heard about the things that happened in Norway.

And things happening in Africa.

Sometimes it’s hard to be optimistic about things.

I also watched some religious television. Dr Grady McMurtry was talking about Creation versus Evolution. There’s a clip of him here if you’re interested. It’s not the programme that I saw … but gives you a feel for the things he believes.

It’s worth checking out his background from other sources as well though … for example here.

I only caught part of the programme. He was reading from the New Testament – Romans Chapter 1 and seemed pretty much to be in the process of making a case against the idea of evolution and in favour of the idea of creation.

Once I would have agreed with some of what he was saying. But not all of it.

Right now, to me at any rate, his arguments seem to be somewhat disingenuous.

Why? And does what I think matter at all?

Well … it matters to me. And putting the thoughts into words helps me as well.

So here goes with some of Andreas thoughts on Creation, Evolution, Africa, Norway and Fundamentalism.

Some scientists are convinced that there is no God. Evolution is maybe then the only way the universe could have happened. Christians are enemies. Religion is the enemy.

Some Christians are convinced in the literal truth of the book of Genesis in the Bible. Creation is the only way the universe could have happened. Evolutionists are the enemy. Philosophies with roots outside of Christianity are the enemy.

And maybe the same is true of some of the followers of some of the other religions.

Myself. I think I am agnostic. I don’t know if God is there. If the level of my commitment to agnosticisms seems unconvincing … well that’s probably because I’m not convinced.

As an aside … did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He would lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Sorry. I heard that one at a Christian meeting I was at many tears ago,

In the days when I believed in God I was never in the camp of literal Bible Believers. I would say that I was a “creationist” … but not the kind that believes that the Earth is only thousands of years old. Which maybe means that I wasn’t actually a “creationist” at all.

Back to the letter that Paul the Apostle wrote to the Christians in Rome and to Grady McMurtry.

He seems to be firmly in the literal creationist and anti-evolutionist camp.

My Bible quotes are from the New International Version of the Bible (NIV). At the time that I’m writing this you can read the first chapter of Romans here. There are some Christians who view the NIV Bible as being a work of the Devil (take a look here for example) so here is the King James Version (KJV) of Romans Chapter 1 which some people believe to be the absolute literal Word of God.

Well … in the part of the TV programme that I saw, Grady seemed to be presenting the stuff in Romans chapter 1 verse 18 onwards as some kind of an attack on people that believe that evolution happens.

So where it says:

¹⁸ The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, ¹⁹ since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. ²⁰ For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.

he seemed to be saying that it was evolutionists that are suppressing the truth by their wickedness.

To me it all seems a lot more ambiguous than that.

I don’t think that it’s true that:

since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made

When I look at the world I see a whole mix of ambiguous messages. Beauty. Ugliness. Life. Death. Joy. Sorrow. Peace. War.

Another thing I watched at the Weekend was the movie The Invention of Lying. This scene expresses some of the ambiguity of it all. If you haven’t seen it then do watch it.

There was a time when I would have tried to understand good and bad as follows:

God made all the good things
we turned away from God and that resulted in all the bad things.

Now … maybe that is the case.

But either way … looking at the evidence around me … it’s not at all clear to see God’s invisible qualities in every aspect. You have to be picky. And that pickiness isn’t easy to do without some kind of faith.

It doesn’t seem reasonable to blame people for misinterpreting nature or misinterpreting some religious people.

And then, back in Romans we have:

²⁴ Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. ²⁵ They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

²⁶ Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. ²⁷ In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

²⁸ Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. ²⁹ They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, ³⁰ slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; ³¹ they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. ³² Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

Which begins with an unfair kind of statement, because they didn’t really know God in the first place – so how could they knowingly exchange God for something else?

Grady chose to emphasise a few particular aspects of this stuff – giving the impression that the teaching of evolution is directly responsible for the following “facts”:

there are more gays and lesbians in the world
there are more murders – mainly because he views abortion as being murder – and because society at large allows abortion then it has legalised abortion … and this is a direct result of the teaching of evolution
more children disobey their parents

You know though? In my own heart when I read the words from Romans I also think about the way that religion – and that includes Christianity – has persecuted people. Mistreated women. Mistreated children. Accepted slavery. Subjugated entire nations. Used people. Abused them. Killed them.

And you know … there are gay men and lesbian women that love their partners in a way that is every bit as wholesome and “good” as partners in any heterosexual relationship. There are gay and lesbian relationships that are about love and not all about shameful lusts. There are people involved in heterosexual relationships … even religious people … even Christians … that have no fidelity, understanding, love or mercy.

And you know … there are people in churches that are gossips and slanderers. That believe that everyone who thinks evolution happens is foolish, futile darkened and given up by God.

And there are some who believe that evolution happens that think that all Christians are hypocrites.

Grady says that if you read the original Greek the words that Paul uses to describe these foolish people are actually much stronger than those that are used in most English translations of the New Testament. And he then uses the stronger words … the justification being that they are not his own words … but those of the Bible. So it’s ok to say them. Even if they are rude and offensive.

Some people would say that in the past, Religious control freaks have frightened people into a particular kind of behaviour. Frightened into heterosexuality. Born and destined to remain 100% male or 100% female. Some people believe that changes that are happening now are a result of freedom from a kind of tyranny. A freedom that allows people to be themselves.

Just today I had an email from someone that said:

I have been dressing in secret for as long as I can remember(probably since about 7 or 8 yrs old)

For most of that time I have felt that there was something wrong with me and that I was not a proper man, and have tried to stop dressing (even throwing away all the clothes!). However I am now starting to realise that it is part of me, part of who I am, and I now want to embrace and enjoy my newly discovered other side, and hope that by meeting with other people I my come to terms with everything more easily.

And I know exactly how he feels. And I know a lot of other people that feel the same way. And some of them go to Church. And there are churches that have no problem with it.

It’s this that makes me sure that I could never go back to the place that I used to be as part of the church. Having to hide my thoughts and feelings.

But maybe one day I could become involved again in a church that was more concerned with treating other people in the way that Jesus treated people rather than in discussing creation versus evolution and arguing over the infallibility of the Bible.

A few of the things that I am sure about:

Fundamentalist Christians that have an infallible view of the Bible and think that people who disagree with them are all fools are mistaken.
Fundamental evolutionists that think that all people involved in religion are idiots are mistaken.
I don’t know the answers.
I hardly know the questions

Dealing with the hatred and fear that seems to be evident in the acts carried out by a man in Norway.

Working out a way to allow people in Africa to eat and drink.

These issues matter more than the literal truth of the Genesis story.

The argument that not teaching Genesis as truth inevitably leads to teaching evolution which inevitably leads to wickedness which leads to hatred and fear and starvation and death doesn’t ring true to me.

People can be decent human beings and not believe in creation.

People can believe in creation and be inhumane.

Some people that are not Christians can be more like Christ than some people that are Christians.

In the end, though, to know what Paul the apostle really thought mattered most you could take a look at this … just to help restore the balance a little.

Sparkle, Lynne Featherstone and Government Policy

2011-07-13T22:03:00.001+01:00

9:00 am Saturday 9th July 1011. Premiere Inn, Portland Street, Manchester and the alarm on my mobile phone sounds.

I carefully remove the bandage from my arm … it comes off without having stuck to anything. Hardly hurts at all.

I decide to wear something with long sleeves to cover up the bruising and keep it clean.

It’s gone 10:30 by the time I’ve shaved, made up and dressed.

Tina sets off to visit Amy who’s staying at the Britannia Hotel a little further down Portland Street.

My elder daughter lives close to Manchester and we’ve planned to meet up.

I send a text and head out of the hotel. Almost raining but not quite. The Paramount (a Weatherspoons pub) is just a few doors to the right.

I order a Latte and sit by the window. After a few minutes Sarah arrives. Soaking wet from the rain. She gets an Americano and we sit and chat a while.

Eventually we decide to search for something to eat and eventually find ourselves in the Via bar. I show her the scene of the previous night’s bumps. See how narrow the steps are on the inside of that bend?

Laura and Billie join us after a while. Then it’s a short walk to Sackville Gardens where the official Sparkle opening happens and met up with Tina.

This year the Government Minister for Equalities, Lynne Featherstone was invited to opening and spoke for about 8 minutes. Hers she is saying what she said. It’s worth listening to if you’re interested at all in transgender rights.

Lynne mentions this in her own blog at http://www.lynnefeatherstone.org/2011/07/sparkle.htm

We listened to some of the music. This is The Strawberry Elephant Experience. The bass guitarist (wearing the hat) is Didi who sometimes visits Surrey Swans.

This is the Pink Punters bus in the background:

This is a little of Frillerz – I thought they were pretty good.

And here’s a variety of folk in the park. Some wearing rather more in the way of clothing than others

And here is what makes Canal Street … well … Canal Street, with the Rembrandt Hotel to the left:

And here’s Laura making her way towards us along with a wisp of Billie’s hair in the background:

Eventually we set off back to the hotel and get changed for the evening. I only have one other thing with long sleeves … so tonight I’m all in black.

We eat at the Red Chilli restaurant on Portland Street.

I’m a little amazed at how many inebriated people there are on Portland Street at 7:30 in the evening. They’re easy to spot since they are the ones that make idiots of themselves by making stupid comments.

In the restaurant the manager and staff make us feel extremely welcome. People take no notice of us … until all around us they begin to cough and splutter as the waitress places food onto a very hot sizzling platter.

The rest of the evening is mostly chatter and a few drinks. We end up at the Via bar again and I am especially respectful of the steps.

I hunt out the ladies loos.

“There’s a bit of a queue” says the girl in the queue.

“Oh. Are you the queue?”

“Yeah” she says. “And I bet you … whichever one becomes free first has no toilet paper.”

I smile.

A door opens and she sets heads for it explaining “… well I guess I’ll just have to drip dry.”

Next morning Tina and I meet up with my daughter Sarah again for a while. We have breakfast and a drink and talk and talk. The people at Weatherspoons take no notice of us.

The journey back home is a slow one … traffic pouring out of Silverstone where the British Grand Prix was raced slowed things down somewhat.

However … I did have a really nice weekend.

Roll on Sparkle 2012.

Sparkle 2011, Stobart Saddo’s and things that go bump in the night

2011-07-12T22:26:00.001+01:00

9:00pm Thursday July 7^th2011. Sparkle starts tomorrow and I need to do some packing.

The plan is to take just enough clothing for the weekend.

So how much does a girl need to take to last from 2:00 pm on Friday until 2:00 pm on Sunday?

Two suitcases later and the best laid plans have gone awry. One is full of clothing the other with shoes, makeup, hair, costume jewellery, boobs and stuff.

Friday July 8^th, Tina arrives at about 9:45 and soon we’re en route to Manchester.

All is goes well until round about midday.

The SatNav bleeps.

There’s a 2 minute delay a few miles ahead.

No sweat.

Four minutes.

There are red brake lights in the distance and no exit between them and us.

Bleep.

Twenty eight minutes says the SatNav as we draw to a halt.

Twenty eight minutes becomes an exclamation mark.

The SatNav knows as little as we do.

“Maggie Sam” says Tina.

“Maggie who?” says I.

“Maggie Sam. The lorry.”

A lorry is a truck.

“Which lorry?”

“The Eddie Stobart lorry. They have girl’s names.”

“They do?”

“They do.”

So ... whether you like it or not ... here is some background.

It seems recently there was a television program devoted to the Stobart Group. The web site (http://www.stobartgroup.co.uk) says:

The Stobart Group is the UK leader in multimodal transport and logistics solutions. It is one of the most recognised and strongest brands in Britain, best known for its iconic Eddie Stobart trucks. Today, Eddie Stobart is the name behind a road haulage fleet of some 2,250 trucks and over six million square feet of cutting-edge warehousing facilities. By size, Eddie Stobart has the best vehicle utilisation in the industry, helping to maximise efficiency and environmental benefits.

A few minutes at http://stobartsaddos.com/ or http://www.clubstobart.co.uk shows that Eddie Stobart spotting is a serious business. And for a mere £15 membership fee you can get a list of the names of all of them.

Here is what one looks like:

Wikepedia says that this is Sandra Ann (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Eddie_Stobart_lorry_Scania_R420_Sandra_Ann_PX07_BXK_in_Plymouth,_9_August_2007.jpg ).

We haven’t met.

BBC Radio 2 informs us of a jack-knifed lorry on the M6. There are long delays.

We nod in agreement.

Approximately two and a half hours later we pass the scene of the jack-knifed lorry. The lorry is long gone, but the road is in the process of being cleaned up.

By now Andrea is suffering from StobartSaddo syndrome. The tally so far includes:

Maggie Sam
Carol Ann
Cheryl
Melissa Nicole
Jacquelyn ... I don’t remember her other name

Arrival at the Premiere Inn on Portland Street is at about 4:00 pm.

Tina pulls into a loading bay in a side road.

The road markings say ‘Loading Bay’. A little sign says ‘Lorries only’. Another says ‘No unloading’.

The suitcases get left in the luggage store and the car goes to the car park.

At about 6:15 we set of for the Taurus on Canal Street where we’re meeting up with a few girls for a meal. Laura and Billie arrive not long after.

We eat, drink and chat.

Tina and Laura:

Billie and me:

After eating we take a short walk and spend a few hours in Eden. The bar that is, not the garden of.

It’s quite pleasant even if it isn’t paradise.

Tina is impressed by the Wainwright’s beer. Billie kinda likes it as well. Laura has a Bud. I have a Carlsberg.

Billie goes to the bar.

“Where’s the Bud?” ask Laura.

Laura sips the Wainwright’s and doesn’t seem to be quite as impressed as Tina. You should have seen Laura’;s face a bout 10 seconds before this picture was taken.

Laura goes to the bar.

Billie decides to go for a walk.

We sit and sip.

Laura tries phoning Billie:

Andrea gets out the umbrella and wanders up and down Canal Street on a Billie search.

Next stop is the Via bar. It’s an unusual kind of place. Looks like any other bar from the outside. But if you walk in and head for the back the interior looks as though the inside of an old church building has been transplanted into it.

We find some seats and I head for the bar.

Down a couple of steps. Then down a couple of more.

All of a sudden as I turn a bend on the stairway the ground disappears.

Oh my.

Right hand grabs onto the banister.

Bum hits the ground.

Left arm slides along the edge of the step.

Bump. Bump. Bump.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

A guy at the bottom helps me to my feet.

I smile sheepishly. I think.

Looking down at my stinging left arm, just below the elbow I see a patch of white shredded looking stuff.

But nothing that looks red. Apart from my dress. But the dress was red before the fall so I’m happy with that.

At the bar I buy a Carlsberg and a glass of lemonade. Then carefully head back up the steps.

Looking back at the arm it’s not just white and a little shredded any more. Red and purple. Grazed. But not bleeding. Just stinging.

Laura and Tina are eminently sympathetic. And don’t even suggest an alcohol induced injury.

The consensus is that I ought to report my little trip at the bar.

This time I negotiate the bend in the steps very carefully ... watching exactly where I out my feet ... making sure that I take the outside if the bend. On the inside the steps are very narrow. That’s the excuse that I’m sticking with at any rate.

The guy behind the bar escorts me to other bar where the first aid kit lives.

The girl behind the bar takes a look.

Ouch.

As the guy hunts through the first aid kit she has a cloth with antiseptic on it.

“This might sting a bit.”

It stings a lot.

The guy reappears with antiseptic wipes.

“This might sting a bit.”

It stings a lot as well.

It’s all very bruised but it’s pretty dry and there’s no blood.

A bandage is wound around my arm. A red one would go better with my dress. But I can live with the white.

I have a freebie drink and head back to join Tina and Laura.

Here I am complete with the freebie drink and the bandage.

You should see the bruise on my bum. It’s huge!

Eventually it’s time to get some sleep.

Laura is staying at the Ibis. “Just turn left at the end of Canal Street then” I say.

“No ... I think I need to go right” says Laura.

“No ... Charles Street is off to the left.”

“But I’m staying at the Ibis on Portland Street.”

“I thought Billie booked the one on Charles Street.”

Laura gets out the map.

The x is on Portland Street.

So we all head for Portland Street and some sleep.

Surrey Swans

2011-06-08T20:59:00.001+01:00

A few months ago Billie and Kathie who have organised the Surrey Swans transgendered group for the past five years or so announced that they needed to move on. They plan to keep in touch with it and still visit from time to time.

So a new organiser was needed or else the group would cease to be.

I thought about it a lot and talked it over with my wife Sally and a few other transvestite friends.

For me, the existence of Surrey Swans as a group has made a big difference. Back in 2007 when Andrea was born Fiona Floyd mentioned Surrey Swans as somewhere not too far from Windsor that was likely to be a good place for a “new” transvestite to get to meet people with similar life experiences. It was that way that I first contacted Billie and Kathie and went along to a TV dinner that they organised and then on to Surrey Swans for the first time. And Sally met here first transvestite other than me when we had a meal at Billie and Kathie’s. I now count some of the people that I know at the TV Dinners and Surrey Swans as my closest friends.

There’s a sense in which these days I need a group like Surrey Swans a lot less than I used to. If I want to put on a dress or skirt, makeup and a wig and go for a meal somewhere in Windsor or wherever then I can do that. And much of that it because Billie was willing to take a quite nervous Andrea out shopping one day in Windsor. I don’t so much need a meeting that’s specifically aimed at transgendered people.

But I know that there was a time that I did. And there are still people that do. And actually, I always enjoy myself when I go there.

So … I decided to volunteer.

And there we go. I’m now “it” … the organiser of Surrey Swans.

In all honesty it doesn’t necessarily take a great deal of organising. It’s kind of open ended. There’s an infinite number of things that can be done. But it can be kept quite healthy and active with much less than infinite effort … I hope .

At the meeting at the end of May I talked a while with Michelle and Laura and Emma about possibilities. Partly as a result of that there is now a new Surrey Swans website / blog that you can visit by clicking here.

Sparkle, Enemies and Weddings

2011-05-03T22:20:00.001+01:00

July and Sparkle 2011 are gradually approaching. I’m looking forwards to it a lot.

I guess the main news of this week is all tied up with Osama bin Laden.

I’m not making comments about the justice or otherwise of recent events. But I have to admit to having grave doubts that the world is any safer a place because of them.

There’s a Larry Norman song that I mentioned in an earlier post that sums up some of my feelings. It was written a long, long time ago when even I was young … sometime in the very early 70’s.

The Great American Novel
Larry Norman

i was born and raised an orphan
in a land that once was free
in a land that poured its love out on the moon
and i grew up in the shadows
of your silos filled with grain
but you never helped to fill my empty spoon

and when i was ten you murdered law
with courtroom politics
and you learned to make a lie sound just like truth
but i know you better now
and i don't fall for all your tricks
and you've lost the one advantage of my youth

you kill a black man at midnight
just for talking to your daughter
then you make his wife your mistress
and you leave her without water
and the sheet you wear upon your face
is the sheet your children sleep on
at every meal you say a prayer
you don't believe but still you keep on

and your money says in God we trust
but it's against the law to pray in school
you say we beat the russians to the moon
and i say you starved your children to do it

you are far across the ocean
in a the war that’s not your own
and while you're winning theirs
you're gonna lose the one at home
do you really think the only way
to bring about the peace
is to sacrifice your children
and kill all your enemies

the politicians all make speeches
while the news men all take note
and they exaggerate the issues
as they shove them down our throats
is it really up to them
whether this country sinks or floats
well i wonder who would lead us
if none of us would vote

well my phone is tapped and my lips are chapped
from whispering through the fence
you know every move i make
or is that just coincidence
will you try to make my way of life
a little less like jail
if i promise to make tapes and slides
and send them through the mail

and your money says in God we trust
but it's against the law to pray in school
you say we beat the russians to the moon
and i say you starved your children to do it

you say all men are equal all men are brothers
then why are the rich more equal than others
don't ask me for the answer i've only got one
that a man leaves his darkness when he follows the Son

It’s available to listen to here:

It’s strange how everything changes all the time and yet some things never seem to change. Just about the entire song is more relevant today than it was even in 1970.

It seems that we often still act as though the answer to the following question is yes:

do you really think the only way
to bring about the peace
is to sacrifice your children
and kill all your enemies

But really … we know the real answer is no.

One of the readings at the recent Royal Wedding included part of the following:

Love must be completely sincere. Hate what is evil, hold on to what is good. Love one another warmly as Christians, and be eager to show respect for one another. Work hard and do not be lazy. Serve the Lord with a heart full of devotion. Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times. Share your belongings with your needy fellow Christians, and open your homes to strangers. Ask God to bless those who persecute you---yes, ask him to bless, not to curse. Be happy with those who are happy, weep with those who weep. Have the same concern for everyone. Do not be proud, but accept humble duties. Do not think of yourselves as wise. If someone has done you wrong, do not repay him with a wrong. Try to do what everyone considers to be good. Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody. Never take revenge, my friends, but instead let God's anger do it. For the scripture says, "I will take revenge, I will pay back, says the Lord." Instead, as the scripture says: "If your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them a drink; for by doing this you will make them burn with shame." Do not let evil defeat you; instead, conquer evil with good.
(Romans 12:9-21 GNB)

I don’t think there’s any latitude allowed for killing even some of your enemies in that. Not really.

I know, there’s a bit about God taking revenge for the bad stuff … but it’s clear that people aren’t supposed to get involved.

But of course … Paul the apostle couldn’t really have meant that to be taken literally could he? Everyone knows that you only have to take stuff literally if it’s anti-something … anti-gay, anti-trans-gender, anti-other-religions. How could something that looks almost pro-enemy be taken seriously.

Actually there were times when I was a Christian that reading those words would make me cry because I could see how far short from that ideal I fell. Reading them now they have the same effect. Learning to love people … even when you don’t like them … even when they hate you … now that just might be the way to bring about the peace.

It seemed sort of ironic to me that later in the wedding they sang Jerusalem.

The first verse is as follows … with some answers that I’ve added:

AND did those feet in ancient time
walk upon England's mountains green?
[No]
And was the holy Lamb of God
on England's pleasant pastures seen?
[No]
And did the countenance divine
shine forth upon our clouded hills?
[No]
And was Jerusalem builded here
among those dark satanic mills?
[No]

The answers are nice and consistent at least.

And then there’s the second verse:

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I will not cease from mental fight,
nor shall my sword sleep in my hand,
till we have built Jerusalem
in England's green and pleasant land.

Now tell me … can you imagine Jesus singing along with this? [No] is the answer I’m looking for here.

Actually, I really dislike this song. I guess I’m not a nationalist.

A trip into Windsor and an Exploding Nipple

2011-04-29T23:48:00.001+01:00

Last Sunday Tina and I spent an evening in Windsor. Here’s Tina:

and me:

After getting changed Tina drove us into town. We tried the library car park but it was full and the passageway from there to Peascod Street was closed because of building work so we ended up at the Victoria Street car park.

We walked from there to Cafe Rouge and had a bite to eat. Then walked down to the bridge that crosses the river Thames between Windsor and Eton.

We tried to work out why the lights on the bridge were flashing on and off every so often.

We had a chat and a drink at the King and Castle pub on Thames Street. We were a bit surprised to see bouncers at the doors. But they didn’t mind us. I just took a look at the web site and discovered the following pictures … and yes … the first one is of the ladies loos … just in case you were interested.

We had a drink each and sat and chatted. We sat outside. After a little while the lights switched themselves on. A dim kind of glow and we found ourselves seated in the red light district.

As always, up to now at least, no one paid us any attention at all.

It was a really pleasant evening.

Later on I found myself thinking:

Now I know why the instructions that come with the boobs say that you shouldn’t sleep in them.

And no. I didn’t sleep wearing them. Honest. But I’ve had them a while … and on slipping one out from my bra discovered that the nipple had begun to erupt:

Well … ok … erupt is overstating it. But there is a definite oozing of silicone.

Just as well I have a spare pair

TV Dinners, Burqas and Fundamentalists

2011-04-29T23:14:00.001+01:00

The TV dinner earlier in April was really good – well … they always are.

TV is for transvestite rather than television. It’s an all-girl evening (TV’s and partners) that happens on the second Tuesday of each month. I get along almost every month. There’s usually a dozen or so people … the company is great, the food fantastic and the hosts (Kathie and Billie) wonderful.

One of the stories in the news recently had been the new law in France that effectively bans the wearing of the burqa in public places. It’s a strange thing in a way, since the only place anyone would actually wear a burqa would be in a public place, precisely because it is a public place.

The TV dinner’s often have some kind of a theme. We joked a little about how a Burqa theme might save a lot of time and effort … we’d only need a little eye makeup.

For my own part, I think I feel uncomfortable when I see people in the Burqa in public. But I can imagine that there are people that feel uncomfortable when they see trannies in public.

Mostly I think that my life philosophy is one of live and let live. If someone wants to wear the Burqa, then that’s ok. So long as they don’t expect everyone else to do the same. The same goes for guys that like to wear makeup, wigs and dresses.

It’s not many years ago that a man wearing a dress in public in England might have gotten arrested.

I think the thing that I find most difficult about fundamentalist kind of beliefs of almost any kind is the way that it often leads people to begin to impose their own version of living upon everyone around them.

I guess it means that I’m intolerant of intolerance.

Pink Punters, Larry Norman and Johnny Cash

2011-04-29T22:31:00.001+01:00

Laura, Emma and I paid a visit to Pink Punters a few weeks ago. It was a usual kind of trip. Laura and I travelled together, chatting and listening to some Johnny Cash and Larry Norman.

Johnny Cash seemed better than I ever remember him being. I still like Larry Norman a lot. Back in 1973 a student friend introduced me to Larry’s music. I bought quite a few of his LP’s. A few weeks ago I bought the mp3’s so now I can listen to them all over again. The lyrics of many of his songs still move me.

After makeup and dressing we called in for Emma and had a meal at the hotel.

Then a bit of makeup tidying and a change of clothing and across the road to Pink Punters.

There are new conveniences (aka toilets) on the top floor. Complete with a very large polar bear (cuddly toy kind of … but huge) behind a glass cage.

Laura mentioned to me a few weeks ago that if you do a Google image search for Pink Punters that I appear there. And I do … as well as Laura, Emma, Nikki and Billie. No sign of the polar bear yet though.

Laura became a bit sleepy as the night progressed.

The barman blamed it on the Budweiser.

We stayed until about 3:30. Another really nice evening.

An evening with Chris While and Julie Matthews at Bournemouth Folk Club

2011-04-05T21:05:00.001+01:00

On Sunday 03 April Sally and I spent most of the day in Bournemouth. We walked around a while, had a meal and in the evening went to see the Chris While & Julie Matthews Band at Bournemouth Folk Club. It’s a great venue … I wish it was closer.

To summarise … well … it was great.

The CD’s (in this instance I mean Compact Discs rather than Cross Dressers) are great … but there is something special about a live event.

For me it’s the chance to get a feeling for the people as well as the music. To hear a little of where the songs came from as well as what the words are.

Julie Matthews introduced one song. The original inspiration being tales of the Clifton Suspension Bridge near Bristol. Apparently it is amongst the most popular places in Britain for people to commit suicide. Though in 1885, a 22-year-old woman named Sarah Ann Henley survived a fall from the bridge when her billowing skirts acted as a parachute, and subsequently lived into her eighties.^[12]

From thoughts of this event came the song Angels Walk Among Us.

Chris While talked of a room in her home with pictures of family on the walls and of how she came to write the song Four Walls. She said it isn’t a happy song … but she felt better having written it. Julie said that this is one of her favourite songs from the Album Hitting the Ground Running. It’s one of mine as well.

Julie smiled and admitted to writing lots of sad songs. Quoting another member of the band she smiled as she said she’d been told that there’s money in misery.

And another song that spoke of hope even when all seems despair … inspired by the life of a friend that died from cancer just before the first birthday of her child. Julie mentioned that even as her life was ending her friend could still could smile. At the sight of so many friends and family gathered to see her she quipped “It’s so good to see everyone. I should die more often”.

Chris introduced the song The Darkside Wood. It’s a song that sounds as though it will end in tragedy. It seems that a friend of Chris’s said that she couldn’t listen to it.

“Why?”

“Well it’s sad. They’re going to die.”

“Did you ever list to it to the end?”

“Well … no.”

Chris sang Ghost of You with Julie playing keyboard. Sad. Intense. Beautiful.

Go now if you really must

I wouldn’t want to hold the key

The keeper of this shattered trust

So go now if you must

Your finger’s on the window pane

Your silence speaks a thousand words

You start to say them then refrain

No accusations and no blame

Something’s better than nothing

Well I don’t believe that’s true

I’d rather lie alone with my sorrow

Than with the ghost of you

What is done is surely done

So while the door is still half open

Follow where you heart’s already gone

For what is done is surely done

Another song that I like a lot is Shadow of my former self. It seems that the title was originally going to be I keep running into the shadow of my former self, but it didn’t fit onto the CD. Do you ever empathise with these words?

I can’t go to work, I can’t stay home
I don’t like crowds, Can’t be alone

And there was the chance for the guys to get in touch with their femininity and imagine standing in a line in a netball skirt and to sing along to Class Reunion. Julie explained how she’s been rubbish at throwing and catching. “Hey Julie!” came a voice. “Catch.” Of course Julie dropped it. “You’re still rubbish.” Said with warmth.

And there was … as the saying goes … so much more.

So … anyway … I spent the evening entranced by the bitter-sweetness of the songs. A mirror of the bitter-sweetness of life. It all ended too soon.

And … I do wish there were angels among us.

And maybe there are.

Walking in Windsor

2011-03-16T22:34:00.001Z

On Saturday Billie called round at a little before 2:00 pm. Billie now has pierced ears. The new earrings are a lot more comfortable than some of the clip-on ones that are available … there have been occasions where after a night out my ear lobes have felt very tender … with little red circles imprinted upon them.

We spent a girlie few hours in Windsor. It was busy. Took two and a half trips through the entire car park to eventually discover an empty space.

We wandered around shops … had coffee at Cafe Nero … wandered around more shops … and had a little drink at The King and Castle pub on Peascod Street, visited the powder room then called into Waitrose to buy some food and headed back at a little after 5:00 pm. It was a really pleasant afternoon.

As is usual … no one paid us any attention. It’s times like these, though, that I realise it would be useful to have a few more longer skirts than I currently have.

Which reminds me … at the TV dinner on Tuesday last week I saw some pictures of Nikki wearing a long skirt. Amazing I also discovered that when Nikki had been swimming it was a bikini. Though she didn’t rate having to wear a bathing cap as good kind of thing … and it seems that wigs and chlorinated water do not get along well together.

The news of events in Japan has been and continues to be awful. It somehow re-aligns perspectives. Makes the trials and tribulations of my own life pale into insignificance somehow.

In a way it seems to show how small we are … humanity hangs onto existence by the flimsiest of threads.

Westboro re-thought

2011-03-10T22:43:00.001Z

Today I did some rethinking about my thoughts of yesterday

Should I have included pictures of people from Westboro Baptist Church?

Should I have blotted out the words on the posters and changed some of the rest of the text?

There was a time when I decided that I would remove the pictures. And some of the words. Well mainly the word fag.

But for now, I’ve decided to leave it as is.

I find the words these people use deeply offensive … because I feel that’s how they are designed to be in the posters.

Maybe they aim to shock people into repentance and salvation.

But they offend.

And the offense is perpetrated in public, in places that people cannot avoid.

I think … though I cannot prove … that most Christians are as appalled at this as are most others.

Over the years I have read the Bible. Done a lot of Bible study. Been to church a lot … a Baptist Church even. Heard a lot of sermons.

But … the stuff on the posters … it’s not there.

These people are advertising a god that is not present in Bible based Christianity.

Words are strangely powerful things. I thought about the words fuck and fag today.

It’s my guess that the folk at Westboro don’t use the former ... but are obviously comfortable with the latter. And the BBC as well, I suspect. One would be bleeped and the other wouldn’t. Regardless of context.

And Google. Try turning safe search on … and the word fuck isn’t found anywhere. But you can learn all about fag.

But … consider Amy Ray’s song Shame on you and the Westboro posters and web sites.

Now tell me … which word is most offensive?

Barbados, Life and the Universe

2011-03-09T22:42:00.001Z

Last night was a TV Dinner at Billie and Kathie’s. Tina had recently got back from a holiday in Barbados. She had spent some time travelling around and noticed that the bus stops had names. There was an Andrea and a Tina. Kinda cute.

Today I had a mid afternoon / late lunch stroll.

Looking up into the trees … the sky mostly grey.

Was it going to rain?

Where am I?

This was a philosophical kind of question. A “what kind of a universe is this that I live in” kind of thing. Where did I come from? Where am I going?

Every so often I have these kind of thoughts. Once in a while I’ve written about them. Here are some of todays musings.

OK. What kind a universe is it? What are the possibilities? Here’s three of a potentially infinite number.

Number One

Maybe it just happened. It’s just happening. We’re born. We live. We die. That’s it. A new series started on the BBC … Wonders of the Universe. The first in the series was Destiny. Sixty minutes of professor Brian Cox.

Here’s the blurb:

Having explored the wonders of the solar system, Professor Brian Cox steps boldly on to an even bigger stage - the universe.

Who are we? Where do we come from? For thousands of years humanity has turned to religion and myth for answers to these enduring questions. But in this series, Brian presents a different set of answers - answers provided by science.

In this episode, Brian seeks to understand the nature of time and its role in creating both the universe and ourselves. From an extraordinary calendar built into the landscape of Peru to the beaches of Costa Rica, Brian explores the cycles of time which define our experience of life on Earth. But even the most epic cycles of life can't begin to compare to the vast expanse of cosmic time.

For instance, just as the Earth orbits the Sun, the solar system orbits the entire Milky Way galaxy. This orbit takes a staggering 250 million years to complete.

Ultimately, Brian discovers that time is not characterised by repetition but by irreversible change. From the relentless march of a glacier, to the decay of an old mining town, the ravaging effects of time are all around us. The vast universe is subject to these same laws of change. As we look out to the cosmos, we can see the story of its evolution unfold, from the death of the first stars to the birth of the youngest. This journey from birth to death will ultimately lead to the destruction not just of our planet, but also the entire universe, and with it the end of time itself.

Yet without this inevitable destruction, the universe would be without what is perhaps the greatest wonder of all; the brief moment in time in which life can exist.

Not so long ago I heard that really there are an infinite number of universes … some different … some the same … everything that was possible was certain to be happening in an infinite number of these infinite universes.

Now I’m told that actually time is due to end in a trillion, trillion, trillion … and a lot more trillions of years time. And time will end then because at that point nothing will be changing. And if nothing is changing then time isn’t happening. Obvious isn’t it.

But what about the other infinite universes?

I find this type of program a little infuriating in the sense that it answers no questions. Fair enough … it provokes lots of them which is great. But the blurb suggests that there are new scientific answers.

So … what did it say about where I came from and where I am going? A summary of the sixty minutes of science is … well … the universe started and it’s going to end. And the blame lies fairly and squarely with the second law of thermodynamics.

I guess this universe has no god. No meaning other than whatever meaning we choose to give it. It points in the direction of nihilism. I’m not sure that I would class this as a wonder.

Number Two

Or maybe God made the universe? What kind of God? Maybe God made it to be fine and dandy. Maybe we messed it up. Maybe God is very pissed off at us. Maybe he (definitely not a she) goes to Westboro Baptist church. He hates America. Fags. Fag enablers. He’s not at all happy.

Hate and Hell. Served with a smile.

I guess it’s possible.

Perhaps its inevitable in one of the infinite universes?

But I think these people must have deep seated psychological issues.

I’m finding this surprisingly hard. To look at the smiling faces and read the words.

I’m finding it hard to not just conclude that these people must be sick in some way. Or maybe it’s that they are desperately afraid.

I guess what I think wouldn’t worry anyone much, since I’m pretty sure that the God that goes to Westboro Baptist church also would hate Andrea passionately.

There are other possible flavours to this God. Encapsulating the fears of a plethora of different groups on the extremist edges of Islam, Judaism, Christianity. To name just three.

Number Three

Or maybe God is working out some kind of a plan … and maybe God loves people. Maybe there’s a heaven. And maybe it will all work out fine and dandy in the end.

But I guess the evidence is more than a little ambiguous.

My thoughts and feelings on this issue don’t affect whatever the reality is, I know. It’s either one, two or three or something completely different.

I hope, though, that it isn’t a Westboro Baptist kind of thing. Nihilism has a soft and cuddly kind of aura in comparison.

I don’t know what the truth is.

But, my thoughts and feelings over recent months have been influenced by Dani … or at least the book recommended by Dani … A New Kind of Christianity. Of which I’ve written before.

Whatever the truth is … there is something special about the term Christ like. Without needing to adopt a whole load of additional set of beliefs, doctrines or traditions.

Not a long long list of “thou shalt not” statements.

Things to be and do. Not things to not be and avoid.

I’m finding myself leaning more and more towards the though that the way that Jesus dealt with people … cared about people … is a good kind of thing.

In the days that I counted myself as a Christian I felt the same.

What’s different is that I’m moving towards a position where I can feel ok about that even as a not-knower. And beginning to be ok with the idea of learning to be more like the kind of person that Jesus was … or is … just because he was a good kind of person … without having to believe in the infallibility of the Bible or that God is against homosexuality. Or a million other things.

Even if the universe is meaningless. I think there is value in this.

It’s a bit like starting all over again. But without having to hide a whole load of gender issues. Being able to try to be like that and also be myself. Without pretending to be someone else.

There’s a song by Amy Ray called Shame on you.

It includes the following lyrics:

My friend Tanner, she says y’ know,

“me and Jesus we’re of the same heart,

the only thing that keeps us distant

is that I keep fuckin up”

Whatever else is true, I think that is.

Fostering homosexuality?

2011-03-01T20:25:00.001Z

Earlier this week there was a news item concerning a Christian couple that had been refused the right to act as foster carers for children. One of the articles about it is here

I think this article is a bit misleading. When it says:

because they are unwilling to promote a homosexual lifestyle to a child

I don’t think anyone was requiring them to promote a homosexual lifestyle. It was more that they were being required not to denounce it.

I think the article is unbalanced and unreasonable in some of its other assertions:

The fact that a view was mainstream until recently proves nothing
Strongly held religious views can just as easily be evil as good
Whether or not the views are directly relevant to the children or not isn’t necessarily the most important thing
Moral certainties are more dangerous than beliefs

But there are also problems and unanswered questions.

Is it ok to have these views and have your own children? Are you allowed to tell the children about your views?

But you aren’t allowed to foster other children.

But can you teach them? So long as you don’t tell them what you believe. Do you have to be hypocritical?

Really, I think we need to learn and continually re-learn to accept the differences that exist in other people. Religious differences. Physical differences. Gender differences. Racial differences. Differences in thoughts. In feelings.

These people are allowed to feel the way that they do about homosexuality. Just as I’m allowed to feel the way I do about religion and gender.

What matters more is how they and I … we … deal with these issues.

How they would teach children they care for to deal with them.

What if a child that they were taking care of was gay? Or had a brother or sister that was? Or a friend. An uncle? An Aunt? Would they be accepting and loving? Or casting out? Or visiting prayer groups and demon casting?

The articles in the press that I’ve read don’t ask or answer these kind of questions. And so they seem to maybe be missing the point.

Windsor, Cafe Rouge, Johnny Cash and Dangly Bits

2011-02-28T20:48:00.001Z

The other weekend Laura and I paid Windsor a visit. It was a quiet kind of evening. Laura arrived at about 5:00 pm. We chatted a little then drove into town. Parked in the Victoria Street multi storey car park and walked along St Leonard's Road a bit, up along Peascod Street, down Thames Street and into the Central Station and visited Cafe Rouge.

Here .. or there … we are:

As pretty much always, no one paid us any untoward attention. The service and the food were great.

Eventually we wandered back to the car and drove back.

We sat and drank beer and wine … and a tiny little whisky until the early hours. Chatting and listening to music. Quite a mix. Johnny Cash … kind of Country and yet not Country.

And I have at last remembered that I have been planning, for a long time, too look up Johnny Cash singing Hurt. And here it is in the context of a BBC interview:

And here, just the song without the interview:

It is, as Emma said at Surrey Swans last night, a very moving song.

There was also some Indigo Girls and Chris While and Julie Mathews. And a whole lot of other stuff.

At one point in the evening we somehow got talking about Nikki’s escapades. Being asked by a girl at Pink Punters if she had a visible camel toe. Bra fitting at Marks & Spencer’s. And swimming.

The swimming was a new one on me.

In a bikini?

Laura didn’t recall the details.

But … what about the anatomy? Isn’t it even more of a give-away than the voice? You know? The dangly bits?

Not necessarily Laura informed me.

At this point Andrea is intrigued.

So … how do you mean?

Well, you just hide things away where they came from.

Uhm … so how do you mean?

Laura explains a bit more.

But doesn’t it hurt?

Don’t they … well … pop out?

We had drunk a few beers and glasses of wine between us by this time.

Does it really work?

Well … as they say … seeing is believing.

So.

Ok I believe.

The music carries on playing.

Well … I giggle … at least I didn’t take any pictures.

Laura is always up for a challenge.

So here you go. See and believe:

Click here for the detail if you ever wanted to know. The English is a little quaint … though that somehow adds to the thing. Over 198,000 views and 108 comments, so someone somewhere is interested. Mainly in Poland, it seems.

There is a sense of understatement here, don’t you think:

During first tries, you shall be very careful.

I’m happy to agree wholeheartedly with that sentiment.

Calvinists, Christian Soldiers and Jesus

2011-02-23T20:11:00.001Z

Over the weekend I was talking with Amanda.

Once upon a time she used to go to a Calvinist chapel, though now she has no belief in God.

I don’t know her well, but she really does seem to be a lovely, honest, genuine kind of person.

She was saying that although she has left the chapel behind, it had some good points. No super expensive extravagant buildings. An emphasis on the simple and the sincere. A bit like the feeling you get about Jesus if you read the gospels.

Of course … Calvinists have issues of their own to contend with.

Last night for some reason the tune of Onward Christian Soldiers came to mind. And the thought … how could anyone come up with lyrics like that from reading the gospels? I find it impossible to imagine Jesus singing a song expressing those kind of feelings.

It makes me think of some of the passages from A New Kind of Christianity that Dani recommended. The idea of understanding the Bible through Jesus in the gospels rather than interpreting Jesus through the letters in the New Testament.

It’s really hard to imagine Jesus fighting in a war. Any kind of a war.

I think the only people that Jesus really criticised were the leaders of his own religion. He didn’t get angry about the Romans or the Greeks. Or adulterers. Or sinners really. But about Scribes and Pharisees. I think that the thing he really didn’t like was hypocrisy.

It’s hard to read many of the things that Jesus is reputed to have said and disagree.

But the things that the churches say? Well. That's a different kind of story.

Watersheds, Human Planet and Morality

2011-02-21T21:04:00.001Z

The BBC are currently showing a series of programmes entitled Human Planet.

It’s shown between 8:00 and 9:00 pm on Thursdays and, according to Wikipedia at any rate, is due for international release sometime soon.

The episode broadcast on 17th February was Grasslands.

Part of the program featured the Suri of Ethiopia. Keepers of cattle who take the protection of their cattle “to extremes”. They fight battles over cattle. Cattleherds must become warriors. Stopping at nothing to defend their herds. “I will defend my cattle with my own death. Cattle are everything to me. they’re all I’ve known since childhood”. Cattle are currency. Too valuable to kill. cared for intimately. One of the warriors fights an annual trial of courage to prove he’s got what it takes. Getting strength straight from his cows, by drinking their blood. It may look brutal … but it doesn’t kill them.

The ritual itself is named Donga. It looks like this:

If you lose, it can look a bit like this:

The thing I find a little strange about this is that there is a theoretical 9:00 pm watershed. TV stations such as the BBC abide by this. Before 9:00 pm, the theory goes, programs should be suitable for younger viewers. The sex and violence is toned down.

It seems strange to me that it’s ok to show cows being shot in the neck and naked men beating each other to a pulp with sticks before 9:00 pm.

But how about an in-love, monogamous, happily married couple making love. Well no … of course. That would be pornographic. Wouldn’t it? And … if I posted pictures like that here I’d need to mark my blog to indicate that it included adult content.

I can’t help but think that it’s an ethically and morally strange kind of world that we live in.

On Casting Stones

2011-02-01T21:30:00.001Z

A little while ago on the TV news there was an item about two people being stoned to death in Afghanistan. There’s information about it here and here.

I found it saddening. Appalling.

I know that this personal face-to-face kind of violence isn’t the only way that people hurt people.

Societies hurt whole societies as described here. And when a society hurts another society …. really it is people that are hurting people. But in an impersonal kind of way.

Today while I was walking at lunch time I was thinking about the casting of stones. Of the way that at times it’s easy to pass judgement upon others and exact some kind of punishment.

I then thought of this story written in the New Testament:

Early the next morning Jesus went back to the Temple. All the people gathered around him, and he sat down and began to teach them.
The teachers of the Law and the Pharisees brought in a woman who had been caught committing adultery, and they made her stand before them all.
"Teacher," they said to Jesus, "this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. In our Law Moses commanded that such a woman must be stoned to death. Now, what do you say?"
They said this to trap Jesus, so that they could accuse him. But he bent over and wrote on the ground with his finger.
As they stood there asking him questions, he straightened up and said to them, "Whichever one of you has committed no sin may throw the first stone at her."
Then he bent over again and wrote on the ground.
When they heard this, they all left, one by one, the older ones first. Jesus was left alone, with the woman still standing there.
He straightened up and said to her, "Where are they? Is there no one left to condemn you?"
"No one, sir," she answered.

"Well, then," Jesus said, "I do not condemn you either. Go, but do not sin again.

The story is in video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k0RzhVJSxE

I was struck by one of the comments left there:

“ive made fun of jesus b4 i feel kinda bad now hes way cool for doing this, if only the religious nutters like the westboro baptist church wud follow his true beliefs”

It sort of fits in with the idea that to be like Christ isn’t necessarily to be like people at some churches at least.

Life is so much more than following a set of rules in a book.

On a different, but related theme, I discovered this as well:

Have a listen. What do you think? Wow.

Christlike transvestites

2011-01-01T15:18:00.001Z

Happy 2011!

Christmas time was good … in a secular kind of way. The past few days we’ve been in Llanbedrog – a small village on the Lleyn peninsula in North Wales and 2011 was seen in at the Nefyn & District Golf Club just a few miles away.

A few days ago I stared reading the book A New Kind of Christianity by Brian D McLaren which was recommended to me by Dani a few weeks ago.

I’m at the end of chapter 19.

And I’m surprised.

Very surprised.

I had thought that there was no way for me back to any kind of faith.

And now I’m not so sure.

I’m not there yet. But I can almost see the possibility.

I’m not really going to write a book review here right now … maybe one day. But I want to capture some of the thoughts and feelings that it has evoked in me … and that requires some mention of what the book says … or at least what it is saying to me. I sense though that there will be some rambling around in this posting.

In my born again days I would have viewed Brian McLaren as a liberal kind of theologian … roughly translated it means I’d have classed him as not really being a Bible Believer.

There are quite a few reasons why my involvement with Christianity terminated. I think that really it began with personal kind of issues. One of these was pornography. I’ve mentioned this issue in previous postings. There was a time when a minister at the church that I attended took me along to a service at another church. Afterwards he asked me if I hadn’t felt inclined to step forward when everyone was invited to … for prayer and healing. I said that I hadn’t. And then he asked me about pornography … which my wife had mentioned to him … or perhaps it was to his wife for her to mention it to him so that he could mention it to me.

We prayed and he gave me a book to read. The book had an unbalanced view of pornography … the kind of thing that gave the impression that all users of porn become child molesters. You know … in the same way that everyone that owns a kitchen knife ends up stabbing naked ladies in showers.

In those days the porn was something I felt guilty about. In the same way that I felt guilty about lingerie.

But the prayers didn’t help that much really. Not for more than a few months.

There was never a real discussion – just an assumption that all pornography in all circumstances is always wrong. And other assumptions – it always degrades the people involved in it – always results in men seeing women as objects to own rather than as people – always exploits people … perverts people.

I’ve said this before … and no doubt will again if I get the chance … I know that porn can do all those things. But … you know … if your honest about it … some brands of Christianity and Islam do all of those things as well. Only its much worse when when you feel that it’s God that is involved because you have no right to complain about it.

Anyway … I’m mentioning this here now because it was a factor that made me feel uncomfortable in a church kind of environment. And I was growing tired of the discomfort and the pretence that I felt obliged to make that everything was ok.

There were other things as well. I spent a while in secular counselling sessions … alone and also with Sally.

These provided an opportunity to talk about things that had only been secrets before. I think prior to that time I’d never really understood the value of counselling. But to be able to say what you think and feel without the risk of someone wanting to lay hands on you and cast out demons is somehow liberating. In all my years in church I’d never felt that. The dressing thing didn’t crop up. At the time I didn’t know that I was a transvestite … only that sometimes I likes to wear lingerie.

During this time I began to withdraw from church and began to think about what I believed and why I believed it.

I remember thinking things like:

Did I really believe in a universe or a God where the vast majority of people that had ever lived were going to end up in hell?
Did I believe in a God that sanctioned genocide .. I guess a holocaust … perpetrated by the Hebrews in the Old Testament against other groups of people in the middle east?
Did I really believe in a God that disliked same sex relations so much that they were condemned to hell?

The problem was that I’d always been a Bible Believing Christian. And my understanding of the Bible led to those kinds of conclusions.

Mostly I think I’d glossed over them up to then … thinking that well … God is good and God loves people … and He’ll see that the right thing happens and maybe explain it all one day.

But I had reached a stage where these questions … and others … and my own experiences and feelings meant that I needed to discover a different kind of God.

But I couldn’t see any way of doing this without taking out the scissors and cutting out lots of verses from the Bible that I had, up to that point, believed.

And how do I decide which bits to cut out – or to re-interpret. If I just cut out the bits that I don’t approve of or that are inconvenient to me then don’t I end up with a God that I invented for myself?

So … in the end … I put the entire book away.

Of course … even most Bible Believing Christians re-interpret things in the Bible every so often. What once was bad is now ok. Some things that were once ok are now bad. And some bits are just ignored because … well … Jesus couldn’t actually have meant what he literally said could he … so he must have actually meant something else. If you’ve been to church you know what I mean.

Having said all of that … not everything that happens in Churches is bad. Not at all. I’ve tended here to simply focus on things that contributed to me leaving.

So … back to the book A New Kind of Christianity.

For a long time I’ve been pretty sure that I can never go back to the beliefs that I used to have. And I had thought that meant that there was no way back to Christianity.

The book that Dani recommended has changed the second part of my thinking.

Maybe there is a way back to Christianity … maybe what I had been experiencing previously hadn’t actually been the entire thing.

I know that some people (and I would once have been one of these people) will say that what I’m doing is attempting to re-invent God in a way that fits me. They will say that I have to accept God as God … and then do as I am told.

But really … even fundamentalists … pick and choose things. The KJV 1611 people that I corresponded with a while ago have picked a specific Bible version and decided that this is the one … the literal and absolutely only English language version of the Bible … that anyone should believe. But they still decide on how things should be interpreted and understood.

Emily Saliers (an Indigo Girl) penned the following, and I think she’s right:

And as we sat stuck
You could hear the trash truck
Making its way through the neighbourhood
Picking up the thrown out
Different from house to house
We get to decide what we think is no good
We're sculpted from youth
The chipping away makes me weary
And as for the truth
It seems like we just pick a theory
And it's the one that justifies
Our daily lives
And backs us with quiver and arrows
To protect openings
Cause when the warring begins
How quickly the wide open narrows

So … I know I am open to the criticism that I’m re-inventing God in an image that fits me.

Back to the book again.

Brian McLaren sets out to respond to 10 questions that he feels are important with respect to Christianity and people. He says he’s not offering answers to the questions … rather they are responses to them that represent the beginning of a dialog rather than the end of one.

One thing that struck me is that the doubts and questions I had about the do I really believe that God kind of things I mentioned earlier aren’t all that unusual. It’s just that people in Churches often don’t have a chance to air such doubts.

Another thing is the way that he presents Jesus within the context of the Bible. He feels that what you need to do is take the person of Jesus as described in the Gospels and then interpret the Bible through Jesus … rather than the other way round. So … in responding to the question Is God Violent? Brian McLaren starts with Jesus and then looks at some of the passages that seem to paint a violent picture of God … mainly in the Old Testament. The book doesn’t provide any “once and for all” answer or a set of proofs for this. Just the beginnings of a discussion. But the starting point of a definitely non-violent Jesus provides a totally different perspective on the whole question. And … it’s so obvious that this is the right starting point it left me wondering how come I hadn’t realised this before?

The third (and biggest and most important) thing for me is that in summing up what Christianity is all about he puts it very simply.

Being a Christian is about being Christlike.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

It’s strange how sometimes the bleedin’ obvious gets buried beneath so much other stuff that when it gets re-stated it’s like a breath of fresh air and a revelation.

It’s not about church meetings … nor understanding theology nor having correct doctrine.

And … you know … even people who are not Christians can be Christlike.

And Christians … well … they can be non Christlike.

In a way I knew all of the above.

But in a way I never thought of what it means. A whole lot of what I believed has been turned upside down and inside out … and I’m amazed that it’s giving me a feeling that maybe there is a way back for me. Though really it’s not a way back … more of a way forwards.

I know that some people will say it’s not a way forwards at all. It’s heretical. It’s wrong. Blasphemous. Untrue. An abomination. And that I am headed for hell.

I know also that to some of these people … the concept of a transgendered Andrea is also an abomination.

But maybe some people with thoughts like these will try to see beyond the skirts and dresses that I wear.

I’m not sure yet … but I see possibilities where I previously saw none.

So … if I were to want to be Christlike … well … would Jesus have dressed as a girl? How can I be Christlike and also be a transvestite?

I think my response … and no .. it’s not my final answer … is that the question itself is perhaps missing the point.

Being Christlike isn’t about growing a beard and letting my hair grow longer (assuming that Jesus did these things). Or wearing a robe. Or being a man. Or being Jewish. Or being born of a virgin. Or not wearing a dress. Or avoiding lipstick and earrings. It’s not even about being what is conventionally called a Christian.

Being Christlike is about loving other people in the same kind of way that Jesus did.

It’s more about how I deal with people that are transvestites than whether or not I am a transvestite myself.

It’s not about whether I am heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual. It’s not about the colour of my skin. It’s about how I interact with other people.

Sally is keen that I pop along to a Contemplative Fire get together with her one day – she says it would be ok to appear there as Andrea. So perhaps that will happen at some point – she has asked before but I never saw the point before. It’ll make for a different experience than Pink Punters and Candy Girls, I expect.

I have a lot more to (re)discover.

As I mentioned earlier … I am very surprised.

Thank you Dani.

Funerals, Poems, Hymns, Jokes, Star Trek and Books

2010-12-23T22:26:00.002Z

The funeral last week was a sad … moving time … but not without hope. At the beginning the 10cc song Rubber Bullets was played. The vicar is a lady … Sally knows her fairly well. Michael was well known for his love of animals … the first hymn was All things bright and beautiful. Louise, the vicar, read words from Michael’s dad, mum and sister. This was, for me, the most moving part of the day. In amongst the sadness, many happy memories were shared.

Louise spoke about Mary, Martha, Lazarus and Jesus. And especially of the words if only and Jesus wept. The futility of the if only and the specialness of the weeping. She even gave the outline of a Vicar of Dibley joke … just the outline because the whole thing wasn’t quite suited to the occasion … the one about the nun and the blind man. She said it was the only one she could remember … something that we have in common. It's really worth watching ... even if you've seen it before:

There was a poem … the text is is:

He is Gone
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I think that these words capture something special and positive that can be taken from death … by focusing more on life.

And the hymn Dear Lord and Father of Mankind … which is one that would make me cry at times - even on happy occasions. I remember the first time I heard it … in a music lesson at school when I was aged … perhaps 14 … selected by Janet Taylor as her favourite hymn when the music teacher was asking people for favourites. Janet Taylor, has, I think, had a previous mention elsewhere in this blog … she wore the shortest skirt in the class.

I still find the hymn very moving.

Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways.
Re-clothe us in our rightful mind,
In purer lives thy service find,
In deeper reverence praise.

In simple trust like theirs who heard,
Beside the Syrian sea,
The gracious calling of the Lord,
Let us, like them, without a word
Rise up and follow thee.

O Sabbath rest by Galilee!
O calm of hills above,
Where Jesus knelt to share with thee
The silence of eternity,
Interpreted by love.

Drop thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of thy peace.

Breathe through the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire,
O still small voice of calm.

There was also The Lord is my Shepherd.

At the end, The Eagles with Hotel California.

And then the drive to the crematorium. And back to the church for a while.

A few days ago I was watching an old episode of Star Trek – The Next Generation. It had to be an old one, I guess, since there aren’t any new ones. The title is The Bonding.and a big part of it is about coping with bereavement. This scene, in particular, is – to me at any rate – quite thought provoking:

The Bonding

The dialog between Data and Ryker is:

D: Excuse me sir, am I intruding?

R: No, sit down.

D: How well did you know Lieutenant Aster?

R: We spent some time together. Not very well. How well did you know her?

D: Why do you ask?

R: Well you just asked me.

D: But, why do you ask the question? Since her death I have been asked several times to define “How well” I knew Lieutenant Aster. And I heard you ask Wesley on the bridge “How well” he knew Jeremy. Does the question of familiarity have some bearing on death?

R: Do you remember how we all felt when Tasha died?

D: I do not sense the same feelings of absence that I associate with Lieutenant Yarr. Although I cannot say precisely why.

R: It’s just human nature, Data.

D: Human nature sir?

R: We feel a loss more intensely when it’s a friend

D: But should not the feelings run just as deep regardless of who has died?

R: Maybe they should, Data. Maybe if we felt any loss as keenly as we felt the death of one close to us human history would be a lot less bloody.

How right they are.

Today the book that Dani recommended arrived A New Kind of Christianity so I’m looking forwards to reading that over the coming days … though I think it might be a struggle to keep it away from Sally who has expressed an interest in reading it.

Pink Punters, Surrey Swans, TV Dinners, Ten Pin Bowling, Fingernails, Life, Death and Ecclesiastes

2010-12-14T23:13:00.001Z

Since last writing things have been busy in a mostly nice kind of way.

Pink Punters on 4th December with Laura was a really nice evening. For a surprisingly long time we felt a little like the only TV’s in the village … but as the evening progressed more people arrived.

The photographer for the evening took these:

Laura and Andrea

And again …

The originals being here and here. And lots of the whole evening being here.

We talked a fair bit about life and the universe and things. Things that matter to us. Where we’ve come from. And the at peace kind of feeling that we have in being able to be ourselves.

It’s kind of interesting … we both see ourselves as transvestites and not transsexuals … and yet we bot feel that the girl in us is much nicer than the guy. Somehow there’s a sense of peace in Andrea that isn’t quite there in the masculine side of me.

There were no unusual incidents in the ladies.

On one trip to the dance floor a guy waved at me for some reason and we danced a little with a few of the girls there. A girl said she liked my dress a lot and asked where I’d got it … and we admired each others shoes.

A guy that had drunk rather a lot … or at least it seemed that way … came and sat beside Laura and started chatting. It wasn’t easy to make out what he was saying. After he put his hand on Laura’s leg a couple of times she explained to him he needed to keep his hands to himself. So he wandered off. No unpleasantness. And … well … Laura does have very nice legs.

We headed back to the hotel a little before 4:00 am so it was a relatively early night as nights at Pink Punters go.

The Sunday before that had been an evening at the Surrey Swans. Good to catch up a little with Billie and Kathie, Tina and Emma and others.

The Tuesday after (December 7th) was a Christmas TV dinner at Billie and Kathie’s. As always … excellent food and company. Nikki was there and had plenty to share about trips to all kinds of interesting places. It was great to see Laura, Julia, Tina and Katie as well as others. I was all red and white.. I’d borrowed a Christmas hat of Sally’s to wear so it was quite funny and sweet to see Laura wearing a very similar one. You know the kind … red with white fur trimmings and a white ball kinda thing hanging from the pointy bit. I think it was Nikki that said something about it being impolite to play with each others balls. We just smiled in an innocent girlie kind of way.

Last Saturday we were invited out to the Sunningdale Savoy Chorus Gilbert & Sullivan and Christmas Music evening by Anne and David. Two lovely people that Sally met quite a log time ago and I’ve known for quite a few years now as well. I occasionally help them out when they have computer problems and they are so sweet … they absolutely insist on making contributions to what Anne affectionately refers to as my “dresses fund”. The music was very good. The MC introduced one of the Christmas songs as being one of his favourites … In the Bleak Midwinter. This was also one of mine in days gone by. Especially the verses:

Our God, heaven cannot hold Him, nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign.
In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed
The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.

These days I sit and listen to songs such as this … quietly wondering.

Towards the end of the evening we sat and drank and chatted a while. David and I wondered a little about where everything came from … big bangs … infinite universes … butterfly effects. And decided that really … we have no idea. Life is such a tenuous kind of thing.

Sally and I had some difficult words. I wish I was more Andrea more of the time. Not so much in a dressed up or made up kind of sense.

Yesterday the company night out was at a bowling alley in Slough. Ten pin bowling is not good for a girls fingernails … even when the girl is a guy. But … I scored a lifetime best … and top score of the evening. But … my poor nails.

On Thursday is the funeral of Michael. His mum is staying with us tonight and tomorrow. There are no words to say. Perhaps there is a God that can help us all make sense of it someday. Over Christmas I’ll have a chance to read the book recommended by Dani that will, perhaps, help me make some kind of sense of it.

Life is such a mixture. It reminds me of a passage in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible:

To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

Or as it is here:

Somehow though, I think the thing is to try and work out some kind of way to have some kind of inner peace in all of this. But I don’t know how to do that.

Alone or together?

2010-12-01T21:46:00.001Z

This afternoon I took a late lunch break and a walk.

It’s cold here at the moment … though the term “cold” is a relative kind of one. A friend in Norway told me that it was –15 degrees C there … making here seem quite warm.

Every so often when I’m walking I wonder about things. In a kind of random way, I guess.

I still kind of struggle with the concept of God. Some of the thoughts …

What’s the point of life? Where does it come from? Does it go anywhere?

How come Paul the apostle got to have a visit from Jesus on the Damascus road whilst most people have a whole lot less evidence to base eternity upon?

How could God be aware of everyone … everywhere … all at the same time … and be interested in them?

Last night I took a look at the King James Version website guest book to see what was new there.

People concerned about the possibility of losing their salvation. Of weather a lady is allowed to wear pants. Not a million miles away from me wondering if a guy is allowed to wear lipstick and a skirt.

These are all pretty basic questions that I used to have answers to. Kind of.

I have answers to less of them now. And the answers to some are different than they used to be.

Tonight when I got home my daughter Katie broke the news that the son of a friend had been found dead today. Sally was out at the boy’s grandmothers. No one knows details of the cause yet.

A lady that used to teach Sarah and Katie died of cancer just recently.

I guess I am in a sombre mood. Not depressed. But sombre.

Last Sunday, at the Surrey Swans I was chatting with Laura and mentioned the conversation I’d had with Jan and Jan’s husband at the wedding the other week.

Laura asked me if it was the fact that I’m a TV that causes me problems with the idea of God and / or the Church.

As my friend Dani mentioned to me recently, God is not the Church and the Church is not God.

As I said to Laura, it’s not just the TV thing. There are other things as well. I think they are associated more with the Church concept of God than necessarily with God. But in lots of ways they are problems with my own concept of God based on my own beliefs when I was involved with the Church. So it’s a little mixed up.

For example. These days I don’t think that all manifestations of pornography are bad. I know that some are. But so are some cups of coffee and pairs of trainers (sneakers) when they have been made by people that are oppressed. Neither do I think all people that work within the sex industry are bad people engaged in badness. Again, I know that some are, but my guess is that people involved in the arms trade do a lot more damage to people than the average person that works in the sex industry.

In my church days pornography was bad … even though I used it. I believed that God thought it was bad. So I felt very guilty about it.

So … these days I’m not able to easily get alongside the Church and the God that I once knew.

It’s curious in a way. Over the past few years, for the first time in my life I think, I’ve learned to be happy with who I am.

Yet I feel that the God that I used to believe in wouldn’t be happy at all.

And it’s not easy for me to conjure up a God that is ok with me as I am.

So … I’m a lost kind of Andrea.

But yet, I’m not unhappy.

For the moment my purpose in life, I think, is to be myself and to live life in all of it’s fullness … which, actually, is almost a Biblical kind of thing.

Tonight though, at this moment, I feel a great sadness for Cathy and John and Phillipa.

Maybe one day it will make some kind of sense.

A song by Julie Matthews from the CD Hitting the Ground Running (Chris While and Julie Matthews) :

Somewhere I walk alone

by Julie Matthews

Somewhere east of here

There is a storm coming down

Oh the hatches battened down

In some sleepy town

Someone’s life is shattered

Into pieces on the ground

Oh somewhere east of here

There is a storm coming down

Somewhere west of here

There is a baby still born

Oh the mother is forlorn

How to carry on

Or fill her empty arms

When all she dreamed about is gone

Oh somewhere west of here

There is a baby is still born

I could be anyone or everyone

I could be anywhere or everywhere

In this lottery of life

With all the cards we draw

Somewhere I walk beside you

Somewhere I walk alone

Somewhere north and south

There are two strangers that will meet

Somewhere in between

Fated it would seem

Drawn together here by chance

Or pulled by destiny

Oh somewhere north and south

There are two strangers that will meet

I could be anyone or everyone

I could be anywhere or everywhere

In this lottery of life

With all the cards we draw

Somewhere I walk beside you

Somewhere I walk ...

I could be anyone or everyone

I could be anywhere or everywhere

In this lottery of life

With all the cards we draw

Somewhere I walk beside you

Somewhere I walk alone

It’s curious isn’t it. I just switched on the music system … it’s playing random selections from a USB stick with over 30 CD’s on it … and it just chose this song as I pasted the lyrics into this entry.

At the concert I was at last month Julie explained a bit of where this song came from.

It reminds me a little of the concept of infinite Andrea’s.

Just a few days ago on a different walk I thought of how the seemingly trivial and unimportant things we do and decisions that we make actually change the affect the whole of our history … future. The people we meet. Marriages. Children. A butterfly effect kind of thing.

Chance and destiny.

Calvinism and Arminianism.

Feelings, Facts and God

2010-11-13T21:03:00.001Z

Work is busier than I ever remember. Long weekdays and weekends as well.

Driving back on Saturday I listened to Chris While and Julie Matthews singing. It was their latest CD … Hitting the Ground Running … which I know I have mentioned before. All of it is excellent … buy it and you won’t be disappointed.

The song Four Walls by Chris While is so beautiful. Sad. Haunting. But beautiful. Fills my mind with thoughts. My heart with feelings. Eyes with tears. Here it is:

Four Walls

by Chris While

Four walls surround me

There are days when they close in

Sometimes I turn them into steel

So no one can get in

I regularly paint them

In different shades of blue

And the only one who breached these walls

Is you

I hang pictures on them

Old faces I love

My own perfect family

Watching from above

There’s an open door among them

That I cannot get through

And the only one

I’d go out for

Is you

But you’re far away now

A distant shining star

So hard to reach you

Or get to where you are

No conversation

No holding in the night

But you’re right here

Beside my heart

A fire burning bright

But you’re far away now

A distant shining star

So hard to reach you

Or get to where you are

There’s no conversation

No holding in the night

But you’re right here

Beside my heart

A fire burning bright

I woke up this morning

So sure you were there

Ah just another dream then

That we can never share

I try to relive it

And bring it into view

But the only one

Who knows my dreams

Is you

I try to relive it

And bring it into view

But the only one

Who knows my dreams

Is you

Listening to it tonight I thought of love. Of feelings. Dependency. Hurt. Pain. Sadness. Loneliness. Beauty.

I thought how precarious a thing love is.

I thought of how it seems that we need to feel loved.

I thought of God. Of feelings. Facts. Reality.

I’m not sure about the truth of these thoughts. They are just thoughts mixed with feelings.

I remember a time when however I felt … whatever I thought … I believed I could talk to God about it.

I think that there’s a strange tension between reality and feelings.

I’ve talked to people who have felt extreme levels of depression and yet have known that the feelings don’t fit with the facts. At the time … whatever are the facts … it’s the feelings that matter.

I know also that at times all a person needs is someone that will listen. They don’t have to say anything. Just being there is what matters.

And so … I can see that whether God is real or not … a belief in God as someone that loves unconditionally … and listens … and cares … even when you feel no one else does … a belief in a God that is like that can make a big difference to a person.

These days I find it hard to believe that God is there.

But.

Well.

Sometimes.

I wish.

Weddings, Transvestites and Jesus

2010-11-09T21:58:00.001Z

Last weekend was the occasion of the wedding of my niece … or one of them at any rate.

It was great to see family and friends … and the whole occasion was wonderful.

My rather long and shiny fingernails were commented upon.

During the evening Jan … a close friend of Sally’s sister and someone that we’ve known for many years … though not very closely said to me …

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure … go ahead.”

I’m not sure of the exact words that followed on from here. But Jan was interested in the state of my faith … relationship with Jesus.

We had first met Jan at church … and she and her husband are still actively involved in things … Jan’s husband is closely involved in a well known Christian organisation in the UK.

She was interested in how and why I had got to where I am.

I talked about my questions … my doubts. And Jan answered them in the way that I might have answered them a few years ago.

We sat hand in hand and talked and talked.

“Jan … I’m a transvestite.”

It was a simple statement.

We talked some more … about gender … marriage … sexuality.

Who do I think about having sex with? Am I gay?

Jan’s husband dropped by as well and we talked some more. Sitting hand in hand.

It’s still true that I don’t really understand transvestism. But I know that, for me at any rate, that it isn’t just a sexual thing. It’s an expression of who I am. Andrea isn’t just someone that I dress up as. Andrea is me.

Jan and her husband pointed me in the direction of Jesus. But they didn’t see Andrea as an abomination. They didn’t talk about being prayed over …. being healed … or being possessed.

I know though … from experience … that diplomatic Christians will sometimes say “talk to Jesus about it and see what He says” … as an encoded way of saying “read the Bible and you will find that it says you better change your ways or else!”.

I don’t know for sure if that is what they were saying. And it’s possible that they weren’t.

Just as I would have done in the past, though, they pointed towards Jesus rather than to the church. The church … just like people … is full of contradictions and flaws.

So … can Jesus accept Andrea? Is the question meaningful? If I decided that He can … how do I square that with the people that say He can’t because the Bible says that He couldn’t possibly.

I know that at the moment at least I couldn’t accept a Jesus … a God … a church … a religion that couldn’t accept Andrea. And even if I could it would make no difference because such a religion … church … God … Jesus would be incapable of accepting me.

You see, it’s not that Andrea is a fetish thing. When I talk with people about Andrea I’m talking about me. I think that’s why I was hand in hand with both Jan and her husband at times as we talked. It was personal.

I don’t know where the conversations and thoughts will lead.

But it’s good to be able to talk with other people … and to discover … again … that people cope surprisingly well with accepting me.

Punters, Halloween and Swans

2010-11-04T21:56:00.001Z

Here’s the Pink Punters picture from 30th October:

The original is here.

Halloween, being in the last Sunday of the month, was a Surrey Swans evening.

Costume was optional … so I didn’t … but I had black hair for a change.

I won a bottle of wine in the raffle.

I couldn’t help but say how horny Billie was looking.

But I was one of the few that didn't say Fangs for the memory to Kathie.

And some ladies who dressed for the occasion:

How do I look with black hair?

With Laura:

Here’s Paula … a different Paula than the one at Pink Punters on Saturday:

Paula took this one:

And here’s Tina:

A very pleasant evening.

Pink Punters, Wonder Woman, Cat Woman and Police Woman’s Panties

2010-11-02T22:56:00.001Z

The Pink Punters visit on Saturday 29th was, as ever, great.

I’m managing to fit everything I need for the night into just one suitcase … not an especially small one … but not huge.

Laura arrived at about 4:00 pm and we set off.

There’d been an accident on the M4, just before the M25 exit, so the trip took rather longer than usual.

Usual kind of start to the evening. Check in. Makeup. Dress. Dinner at the hotel. Change. Then across the road to Pink Punters.

I think we were the first in … at least our names ended up at the top of the first page in the list of visitors for the evening.

We spent a while chatting with each other and then with different people through the evening.

It being so close to Halloween, quite a few people were dressed for the occasion. We met Wonder Woman, for example, accompanied by Cat Woman. There were quite a few cheerleaders around.

Wonder Woman had needed to invest quite a lot of time in putting a red skin on her boots. I never knew you could get such a thing as boot skins.

On a visit to the ladies I was just on my way out when a girl said:

“I can’t see so well … can you tell me what that says?”

My specs are in my handbag … so I can’t see so well either.

But I look in the direction that she is pointing. Stoop down a little and start to read.

“Tonight I am your Police Woman.”

Round about this point I notice the location of the words that I’m reading.

A girl is leaning forwards with her hands resting on the wall … bottom pushed out a little. Jeans slid down enough to reveal the pattern on her panties which are decorated with the words that I’m reading.

My face just a few inches away.

Well … like I said … my specs were in my handbag.

We danced a little. And sat some more and chatted.

Here’s me with Laura:

And again … but I’m not quite sure who we are with:

The Pink Punter photographer did take a picture of us with Wonder Woman and Cat Woman … but it’s not made it to the web site yet.

Talked with a couple of girls at the bar and then later with Paula and Sally.

It was nice to compare some life experiences with Paula. She is a TS. Neither of us really understand “gender” really … but are happy enough just learning to be ourselves. Paula mentioned a work colleague who is also TS but married and usually still inhabits a male world at home … but a female one at work.

Time always passes quickly. At two am all of a sudden it is 1:00 am again.

Eventually … at round about 4:00 am we head back to the hotel. By about 5:00 the makeup is removed and it’s time to get some sleep.

Accepting and Explaining

2010-10-27T23:59:00.001+01:00

It’s strange how easy it is to become insular and build up little prejudices.

Over the past few years I’ve met quite a lot of quite different kinds of transsexuals, transvestites and cross-dressers.

All different in lots of ways and similar in others.

Mostly they are people that want to express a certain femininity in the way that they look and act … in the way that they are … in who they are.

Just occasionally there are challenges though. Once in a while someone that wears a dress or a skirt and blouse … but no makeup or stockings … slightly hairy legs … sandals … socks.

It’s a delicate kind of issue for me to write about here because friends that read bits and pieces of some of the things that I post will think of people that I might be thinking about.

Really though … I’m not writing about any specific individual. More about my own feelings on a concept.

There’s a part of me that feels that a person that doesn’t “make the effort” shouldn’t be at the get-togethers.

Another part of me feels a sense of shame about this feeling. I mean … if I’m not able to accept such a person … do I have any reasonable right to hope that “mainstream” society should be prepared to accept Andrea?

So … I know that I need to learn how to deal with this … and move on from a reluctant and passive acceptance towards a willingness to be a friend.

Today at work I had an unusually angry few moments. I work with software … and there is a recurring conflict concerning release date deadlines … feature-creep … mistakes … over optimistic predictions.

The deadline was the end of October.

At the meeting the boss expressed a certain degree of dissatisfaction.

I guess though that … whatever the circumstances … I’m not prepared to accept disrespect from my employer. So I made this clear. And I was angry. But, I think, respectful.

Thankfully, he respected this.

And in the end … by rationally and reasonably explaining the state of things he was able to get a level of willing commitment to work longer hours for “free” that would have been impossible to get by just ranting and raving.

And in amongst all that extra work … there is Pink Punters on Saturday … Surrey Swans on Sunday … and a niece’s wedding next weekend.

I know, things could be a lot worse.

Pink Punters, Pints, Lipstick, Bathrooms and Boobs

2010-10-18T23:31:00.001+01:00

Friday had been a Candy Girls evening.

Saturday was a Pink Punters night.

My turn to drive … we set off a little after 4:00 pm and got to the hotel at about 5:30.

By about 7:00 we were all set and headed down to the hotel bar and restaurant and had a drink. Chatted a while with another tgirl then had a bite to eat.

Then back to the bedroom to get changed.

I’ve picked up an addiction from Nikki I think … so here are the hotel corridor shots.

Me:

Tina:

Tina had asked me …

“Why does your shirt say Pink on it when it’s black?”

“The secret”, I explain, “is in the colour of the word Pink”.

To be fair … the Pink did look kind of yellow in the hotel lighting.

But it made me giggle.

The shortest route from the hotel entrance to Pink Punters involves crossing the ditch. Kind of the the Bechers Brook of the tranny world.

Actually it’s just a little dip in the ground … but it is grassy and on a dark evening … especially on the way back … after a drink … and in high heels … well … it is a challenge … and there have been those that have fallen.

Rumour had it that the ditch had been filled in!

In fact … the ditch is there … but the gap is now bridged so the tiny little walk is much less fraught.

The security men say hello and we head up the steps and have a little chat with the lady at reception.

It’s still quite early and the place is very quiet …that’s in terms of the number of people that are there … the music on the dance floors never gets what I would call quiet.

We head to the top where the music is quiet enough to be able to hear people talking without having to use raised voices and buy a couple of drinks … we each have a half of Fosters … I’ve never known Tina to drink lager before … this girlie thing is getting serious

We sit and chat.

The photographer heads our way and takes a picture:

The original is here.

There are loads of pictures of the evening here.

We chat a while about all kinds of things. I remember mentioning that one of the sociological differences that seems to exist between tgirls and ggirls is the way that ggirls never seem to visit the bathroom unaccompanied. I’m using the term bathroom in an American kind of way here.

We head for the dance floor for a bit.

Then back upstairs.

My turn to get the Fosters.

The bar is a little crowded and I’m standing behind three girls who apologise for being in the way. But I manage to perch at the end of the bar and p[lace an order.

“Mind your head” I hear.

Being a little over 6 feet tall without heels … and I guess a little over 6 feet 4 inches with them … I need to duck down under one of the beams.

“At least it’s padded” says the girl. “I’m ok” she says “way too small to hit it”. She has what must be six inch heels on … takes them off and says “see … I’m really tiny.”

I pay for the drinks and turn round to see where Tina is.

Nowhere to be seen.

I look here. And there.

Maybe Tina has paid an unaccompanied visit to the bathroom?

I put the drinks down on a table and sit down.

Just a minute or two later I hear a voice:

“Excuse me … are you waiting for somebody?”

It’s one of the three girls that had been at the bar.

“Well yes … I guess she’ll turn up in a minute or two.”

“Well … we were wondering if you’d like to come and join us” she says.

I collect the drinks and move tables.

We’re all surprised that Tina should disappear without the drink.

Very mysterious we all think.

We all introduce ourselves … Dawn … Emma and Annette … and, of course, Andrea.

They’re a little amazed that people travel from Windsor to get to Pink Punters.

After a while Annette mentions that she is Emma’s mum.

Emma explains how strange an admission this is … “you said I shouldn’t call you mum out here … and it’s been really hard getting used to calling you Annette when you’re my mum.”

Dawn is Emma’s cousin. I think.

Tina arrives.

She was sitting in an alcove at the end of the bar … hidden from sight almost … and had been wondering where I had gotten to.

Ah well … all’s well that ends well.

Emma and Dawn spot a tgirl sitting alone at the bar and invite her over … Erica.

“Can I ask you a question?” asks Emma.

“Sure.”

“Why are you drinking half pints and not pints?”

“Well I guess it seems more lady-like” I say.

But then tell the story that when my daughter Katie had asked what I drink when I go out on a girls night and I told her the same thing … she said I ought to tell a few of her friends that.

Dawn agrees with me though … half pints are much more lady like.

Emma vows to have a pint when the next drinks are ordered.

I’m not sure if Annette or Dawn gets them. But sure enough, Emma has a pint.

She looks at my red lips and asks if I’ve got the lippy with me still.

I nod.

“I’ve never tried red like that before” she says. “Will you put some on for me?”

At this point I think it wise to warn her that I’ve never put lippy on anyone else's lips … not ever … and she could end up looking a little clown-like.

“I’ll take the risk” she smiles.

I take my glasses off'. And I think I’m more nervous than Emma as I start painting the bright red liquid.

Here’s the result. It’s a lot harder to paint someone else’s lips. Honest.

“You look a lot better without your glasses … you should keep them off” she says.

Then everyone seems to be trying them on.

Emma:

And Annette:

No one can see a thing through them and they make their way into my handbag.

As time passes the drinks have an effect and a trip to the the ladies is needed.

“Do you err … well … which one do you go to?” asks Emma.

“The ladies” I say.

“Come on then” she says. Emma and Dawn head for the stairs taking a hold of my hand and drawing me along.

Another difference between a girls visit to the bathroom and a boys visit is that boys tend to get in there and then get out. To girls it’s a networking opportunity. And it’s almost a must to powder your nose or gloss your lips or brush your hair.

We brush hair a while.

Back up the stairs we step outside a while for a cigarette break. I just take the opportunity to chat some more.

It’s a cold night … but there are log fires.

A friendly couple take a picture of Emma, me and Dawn. I think I should have powdered my nose while I was brushing my hair.

Back upstairs and we continue talking.

Dance a while.

Visit the bathroom a few more times.

It was at one such visit … on the way out … lagging a few yards behind Tina and Emma … the place is a little crowded and there’s a group of girls waiting in an orderly kind of line.

“Hi” says one girl as I mosey along towards the exit.

“Hi” I say.

She introduces herself and I introduce myself.

“I was just admiring your shirt” she says.

“Well thank you” I say.

“Well … to be honest … it was your boobs I was admiring.” she smiles.

Well … unaccustomed as I am … I say the first thing that comes into my head … “… well … they’re not real.”

Not the smartest response, I know.

She smiles and looks me in the eye.

Places a hand firmly on each boob and begins to jiggle them around.

“They’re real.” she laughs … good naturedly.

Like I said … the ladies room is on a totally different planet than the gents.

Back upstairs again and a kindly couple take a group picture.

Annette … Erica … Tina … Emma … Andrea … Dawn.

I quite like Emma’s ring … though she says that Annette says she’s a real chav

A little more dancing and talking.

Dawn says Emma and I look like sisters … similar hair.

Emma says … “Well … thanks!”

A little before 3:00 am Emma, Annette and Dawn head away. We say our farewells. They are such lovely people!

Kim drops by to say hi. She’s at the front of the Pink Punters picture below:

We talk a while. Like a lot of girls that I’ve talked to here she says she likes the place because you can dance … talk … have a great time … and there’s no trouble … no fighting … just people allowing themselves to be themselves.

Anna (on the left in the picture) sits with us a while.

We all head downstairs for another dance … the music is more my kinda style at the moment … a little more oldie-worldie … re-makes of YMCA and stuff like that.

Before we know it … it’s almost 4:00 am and we decide to call it a night.

It’s nice not to have to struggle down and up the ditch.

The end to a really nice evening.

Candy Girls … Wine, Women and Song

2010-10-18T21:29:00.001+01:00

Last Friday night Tina and I ventured out to Candy Girls.

Tina arrived at my place at round about 9:00 pm. We were both pretty much ready … so a few pictures and then we were off.

Me … smiling …

and then not …

Tina smiling.

The were just two little complications at the beginning.

First I needed to get some cash … so we stopped off at the cash dispenser at the local Tesco store. It was a little after closing time so it was pretty quiet and no one paid any attention.

And then … drat … I had put a bottle of wine in the fridge to take along and managed to forget all about it. So we stopped at the local wine shop and I paid them a visit. Candy Girls don’t sell alcohol but are happy enough for people to bring some along. Tina was driving … but I wasn’t … so the wine sounded like a nice idea to me at least

It being Tina’s car we listened to Radio 2 rather than Indigo Girls or While and Matthews … though roles were to be reversed the next day.

It’s a reasonably short and straightforward 30 minute drive to get to Candy Girls.

There’s plenty of parking and we were made to feel really welcome as soon as we walked through the door.

Although we hadn’t expected to meet up with anyone in particular, we’d hardly been there any time at all when we spotted a few friends … Nikki included! Cat and Julie were also there … friends that first met at a Trans Femme party a few years ago and also at candy Girls once before.

We spent a fair bit of the evening chatting and toured the premises taking a few pictures of the women.

Me myself:

Nikki said I looked great in this one … no face:

There were, of course, consequences for such wanton remarks:

Nikki photographing Tina:

And several stooges:

I was framed … honest … Julie took this one:

And we just dropped by the … err … well … the dungeon for a few minutes. Nothing naughty. We just hung around for a while.

Tina took these:

I know … I need an armpit repair:

Roberta the club photographer checked with us if it was ok to take a picture. When I get to see the picture I’ll post a copy here for posterity.

A little while later we were visited by another photographer … same camera … and it will be put on the same web site I believe. The new photographer was about the poses … so it’ll be interesting to see which of the two pictures is most perfect … or least imperfect perhaps.

It was past 2:00 am when we left … closer to 3:00.

The short drive back … a glass of wine for me … coffee for Tina (ah no wonder she didn’t sleep so well). A little Chris While and Julie Matthews.

This is the song bit.

Then some sleep.

Evenings with While and Matthews

2010-10-13T21:36:00.001+01:00

The two Chris While & Julie Matthews gigs have been and gone.

Both were great … similar to each other but yet different enough to make both worth attending.

“Worth attending”?

Well .. who am I kidding?

The “events” were fantastic. I remember thinking as I sat and listened … at this moment there is nowhere that I’d rather be.

Smiles.

Laughter.

Tears.

Even an invitation for the guys to get in touch with their feminine side … an aid to understanding the pain of being a reluctant netball player and the feelings expressed in the song Class Reunion.

I think Julie must play guitar with a lot of passion … a guitar string broke at both events. It was especially cute at the Ram Club. Towards the end of a song the string snaps. Julie continues to play. At a convenient point Julie changes strings whilst Chris sings sans musique. A few minutes later the guitar is strung and the next song is about to begin but tuning is not quite complete. “Could you just adjust my G-string a little?” says Julie. “No … the G not the D.”All is adjusted. The show goes on.

A big part of both evenings is the new album Hitting the Ground Running. I’d bought the music a few days before the first gig but only had chance to listen to snatches of it. Hearing the songs live …. together with a little background on many of them … is great. Here’s what I remember of the introductions to some of the songs.

Carved in Stone: Julie was in Spain … beautiful mountainside. A cemetery where the graves were dug into almost a wall. One of the stones had a name carved into it … but everything else was worn away … illegible.

The Coldest Winds do Blow: Chris lives in Southport and at a certain time of year pink footed geese fly overhead from Iceland. How nice to fly away.

Rock of Gelt: The word Gelt,it seems, means money. Julie was one of the five songwriters and two poets that “spent five days in the remote Northumbrian countryside writing a new concert”. There’s a lot more info on this here. It seems a piece of Roman graffiti was discovered on Hadrian's Wall. Translated from the Latin it reads: Domnius didn’t want to do it. This song written by Julie together with Ruth Notman describes how Dominius might have felt. In the live performance Julie included a poem written by Elvis McGonagall. There’s other stuff about the event here and also here.

We’re not over yet is a song by Julie inspired by the style and inspiration of the Everly Brothers and people that wrote songs for them.

The Darkside Wood … by Chris … inspired by stories of Australian bushfires.

Somewhere I Walk Alone. Julie said that a while ago the mobile phone signal at where she lives had died. No mobile phone seemed ultra depressing for a while. And then came news that made no mobile phone seem to be not so unbearable. Things can always be harder.

Hitting the ground running. A break up … and the ensuing tug of what should be love.

Bridge over time. Another song inspired by Hadrian’s wall and the excavations that take place there. Sometimes so little seems to separate us from the past.

If you like acoustic folk rock then buy the album! I love it.

At the second gig they sang Jewel in the Crown … which features on a Fairport Convention album of the same name and also on the Julie Matthews CD Such is Life. The lyrics are here and these are they:

Jewel in the Crown

(Julie Matthews)

We are a proud land we stand for freedom
We’ve got the franchise on how to lead them
We’ve got the history and books to prove it
Give us a mountain and we will move it
We rule the waves and the seven seas
We bring the mighty to their knees
We offer hope and inspiration
A fine example to lesser nations
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown

We brought a system to the masses
Divide the nation into classes
It’s in our breeding and on our faces
At least we’re all born knowing our places
We’re raised within our social borders
We only take what our class affords us
It doesn’t matter that it’s not even
This is the nature of the demon
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown

We are Britannia, we crowned an empire
We came and conquered
We tore their borders down
We need no conscience
God is on our side
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown

We are your friendly liberators
We’ll free your countries from their dictators
For a small slice of your oil wells
We’ll send our boys in with their gun shells
We are an ally to the needy
We’re always caring, never greedy
What other gesture could be finer
We’ve given Hong Kong
Back to China
We are Britannia the jewel in the Crown

We are Britannia, we crowned an empire
We came and conquered
We tore their borders down
We need no conscience
God is on our side
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown

History isn’t all a flattering thing if you are Britannia.

Freedom to Cuss

2010-10-04T20:29:00.001+01:00

Mistress of My Fate?

Place, Time

Mother, Father

Egg, Sperm

Ordained Destiny?

Random Chance?

Free to choose?

Programmed to react?

Driving home tonight I thought about King James and his merry men. About the time we devote to the things that matter to us. The people that matter.

Somehow or other this led to thoughts about the choices that we have … and those that we don’t.

It seems that a lot of the things that happen to us are beyond our control.

And for some, it seems that reactions to life’s events are predictable. Almost inevitable.

This led to some thoughtful theorising.

Maybe the biggest potential “good” that religion offers to people is a realisation that it is possible … to some extent at least … to break free of the programming. Free to be ourselves rather than a genetically guided response to an ecology.

The downside is that sometimes one set of programming is just replaced by another.

Of course, religion has no monopoly on this.

And it’s not just religion that can replace one set of programming by another.

And the new programming can be worse than the old.

I remember reading a book a long time ago. I don’t remember the title. But the author wrote of an experience in New York. He regularly visited a newsstand. The newsstand owner was an unfriendly kinda guy it seems. One day the newsstand man was so awful that the author left the newsstand fuming … in an awful mood. And then he realised … it doesn’t have to be that way. He didn’t have to allow the owner of the newsstand to ruin his day. He had a choice about it.

I guess that the choice begins when we realise we have a choice.

And even then … it’s easy to forget.

If someone cuts me up when I’m driving along minding my own business … I don’t have to cuss if I don’t want to. I can smile and get on and try to enjoy the day.

Although … I guess there is a time and a place for almost everything under the sun … even a little non-violent, peaceful private cussing.

And some choices are easier for some people.

While, Mathews, KJV1611, Potties, Candy, Punters and Leonard Cohen

2010-10-03T21:10:00.001+01:00

On Friday Chris While and Julie Matthews are playing at The Ram Club in Thames Ditton … not so far away from Windsor … and I hope to get along. I already have a ticket for the gig they are doing in Maidenhead on the Sunday … so twice in 3 days. Maybe I should become a groupie?

The weekend after it looks like Candy Girls on the Friday and Pink Punters on the Saturday.

All is quiet on the King James Bible Believers front. I am soooo tempted to pass on on a link to this wonderful web site:

http://www.pottytrain-dogs.com/

in order to help free up some of the web masters time. But I said I wouldn’t pester any more.

And here are a few pictures taken at a recent Leonard Cohen concert in Helsinki … taken by one of my most favourite people:

I’m reliably informed that Mr Cohen has quite a … well … effect upon some people. Wouldn’t you agree E?

A lovely thought.

Philosophy or Dung

2010-09-29T20:44:00.001+01:00

Here I mentioned my ongoing discussions with the webmaster at http://kjv1611.org.uk/hivyersay/index.php

So here is my previous comment and the reply.

Thank you also Webmaster. I'm sorry that you feel my blog is "obviously" nothing more than a self indulgent ego trip. I'm impressed that you have read my whole blog ... I'm not aware of anyone else in the world that has done that, so thank you. I think though that to say that there is "no reason" in the whole of my blog ... well ... honestly ... that just isn't true. Honestly ... if I could look you in the eye and say this I would ... I firmly and honestly believe that the assertion that there is "no reason" in my blog is not true. This assertion is a lie. I would be very happy to meet you one day to discuss this further if you were willing. My whole life I have been a studious person ... ask my family or friends. I realise that some of what the Bible says is not easy to understand. But this has no relevance to my non-studious answers to the studious questions posed on your web site. I apologise if you find my reasoning difficult to follow - but honestly I am happy to meet with you so that you can explain to me and I can explain to you.
I know ...from your perspective I am blinded by Satan ... a dog that has turned to its own vomit ... a sow wallowing back in the mire. But from my perspective things are different.

Andrea:
It comes across that you are totally deluded in your philosophy ( so called ) and spoiled with vain deceit. Your blog is of a falsehood. I wouldn't waste any time browsing through your blog, I have enough dung to pick up after my dog.
There's one thing for sure though, The Lord Jesus is faithful.
2Ti 2:13
If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself.

I’ve signed off on the discussion. I don’t know how to have a rational conversation with such a person. My losing words:

Dear Webmaster,
Your words speak for themselves.
I'm sorry that your mind and heart seem to be too small to have the common courtesy to discuss things in a polite and adult fashion.
The reason I assumed you had read my blog is that you said: "Andrea, you talk about having “reason” but have none in your whole blog."
If someone were to tell me that there is no sense in the whole Bible ... and then tell me that they had never taken the time to read the whole Bible ... well I would be unimpressed.
I will now leave you to follow your delusions as you are leaving me to follow mine.
I'm sorry that you don't seem to be prepared to discuss things nor to answer any questions or respond to challenges in any way other than belittling and insulting the person that asks the questions.
You know ... I Peter 3:15 says:
"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and [be] ready always to [give] an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear."
I'm really, really sorry that you are not able to do this. Don't you feel that you do your Lord a disservice?
I feel that your Guest book isn't a place to continue this ... and realise that I am becoming an unwelcome guest.
So ... it's goodbye.
But please ... email me if you would like one day to discuss things. I'm always ready to try to explain why I believe what I believe to anyone that asks me.
Andrea

So … there you go. Which one of us is deluded?

At the last check … the webmaster deleted the above message … adding the text to the end of the previous posting:

Webmaster:
Heretical blog removed from site guest book

I think I am almost proud to be a heretic.

A little later I tried adding the message to the guestbook again. It was deleted again.

And then again. But was informed that my IP Address was banned from the guest book.

So … accepting the challenge … using a proxy server … posted the message again.

The reply is:

Yet Again:
Andrea, you came to this site and said that the KJV1611 bible was full of errors and the reasons were on your blog and named the page. I checked out that "blog," (named)whole and fully.
I was the one who asked you questions not the other way about as you are now pretending. You have gave not one iota of proof that the KJV1611 bible is in error.
As anyone can plainly read on our guestbook, we are more than willing to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.
There is only one here who is delusioned and thats you Andrea, because I have already emailed you with the question and you refuse to explain why you believe what you believe.
But up you pop on the guestbook again, under false pretense.
Webmaster

Also the:

Webmaster:
Heretical blog removed from site guest book

stuff has been removed.

I said in my last message that I would not add more to the guestbook, so I won’t.

However I have received no email. And I have made no pretences.

To be honest … there has maybe been mix-up of terms and phrases here. The terms blog and blog posting seem to have been misunderstood. And perhaps the idea of emailing a question with posting a question on the guestbook.

I did, however, say goodbye to the guest book. So I’ll leave it at that and maybe will eventually receive an email?

Egotistical and reasonless wallowing

2010-09-29T01:04:00.001+01:00

In my most recent post (here) I mentioned the comments I had left dated 27th September 2010 at http://kjv1611.org.uk/hivyersay/index.php

Here is my comment:

Thank you for replying to my earlier comment of September 21st.
I believe that you are misguided over the issue of the infallibility of the KVJ1611 version - but also about other things as well.
I've written in a little more length in my blog at: http://andrea-wright.blogspot.com/2010/09/popes-cardinals-catholicism-evil-and.html I do though, respect your right to your beliefs and also respect that you are prepared to allow people to leave messages on your guest book even where the message is in disagreement with you.
Andrea

At the moment, the replies I’ve received to this are:

Tommy H. Heffner Sr.:
Howdy Andrea,
This is from another poor "misguided" King James Bible Believer in the USA. I was just wondering if you were saved by the "Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ"? You weren't if you read in the "ASV" Colossians 1:14 in whom we have our redemption, the forgiveness of our sins: OR in the "World English Bible" Colossians 1:14 in whom we have our redemption, the forgiveness of our sins; OR in the NIV Col. 1:14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. OR in the ESV Col.1:14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. OR in the Good News Translation Col. 1:14 by whom we are set free, that is, our sins are forgiven.
I could go on and on but I'll take the King James Bible Colossians 1:14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
Are you saved "by the blood" of Jesus Christ? Maybe you should check up on how you were saved!
Tommy H. Heffner Sr.
Bible Baptist Ministries
http://www.akjbible.com/

Hello Andrea,:
Your blog is obviously a self indulgent ego trip, as you were asked a reasonable question to your accusations. Andrea, you accused people of being mistaken. They asked you, “What may we ask 'are we mistaken about'?”
Your big answer goes like this “It begins with the infallibility of KJV 1611 thing. And the way that “reason” seems to be belittled and scorned whenever it seems to conflict with the infallible.
Andrea, you talk about having “reason” but have none in your whole blog. That is why I say you’re self indulgent. You like to hear yourself and be heard. If your statements to the questions posed are anything to go by, then you’re not very studious.
2 Peter 3:16 As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction.
By your own statements you claim to have been a Christian, and now reprove people of wanting things set in stone. Here is a scripture perfect for you.
2 Peter 2:20-22 For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning. For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
Webmaster

And here … my additional comments added today – dated 29 September 2010:

Hello Tommy. Thank you for your comment added to my entry of 27 September.

Honestly, I do not see you as being a 'poor "misguided" King James Bible Believer'. Just misguided. I'm not attempting to pass judgement on your honesty or personality or character. All I'm saying is that I disagree with you. I think then I am not saved by the "Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ".

Thank you also Webmaster. I'm sorry that you feel my blog is "obviously" nothing more than a self indulgent ego trip. I'm impressed that you have read my whole blog ... I'm not aware of anyone else in the world that has done that, so thank you. I think though that to say that there is "no reason" in the whole of my blog ... well ... honestly ... that just isn't true. Honestly ... if I could look you in the eye and say this I would ... I firmly and honestly believe that the assertion that there is "no reason" in my blog is not true. This assertion is a lie. I would be very happy to meet you one day to discuss this further if you were willing. My whole life I have been a studious person ... ask my family or friends. I realise that some of what the Bible says is not easy to understand. But this has no relevance to my non-studious answers to the studious questions posed on your web site. I apologise if you find my reasoning difficult to follow - but honestly I am happy to meet with you so that you can explain to me and I can explain to you.

I know ...from your perspective I am blinded by Satan ... a dog that has turned to its own vomit ... a sow wallowing back in the mire. But from my perspective things are different.

Please feel free to add to the discussion at: http://kjv1611.org.uk/hivyersay/index.php … look for the comments from Andrea dated 27th and 29th September 2010.

Popes, Cardinals, Catholicism, Evil and King James – an Andrea’s eye View

2010-09-27T22:07:00.001+01:00

Recently the Pope visited the UK.

It was a mixed kind of event.

The biggest challenge seemed to be the Catholic Church’s involvement in child abuse over the years.

In addition to expressing sorrow over this … the Pope expressed concern that religious views … especially Christian views … maybe especially Catholic views … and people … are being marginalised and their views and values are not being taken into account sufficiently.

But I can see why the un-churched might not see a problem in this. Looking around the world, religion has a very mixed history.

It isn’t all bad … but bad enough to mean that almost anyone involved in any mainstream religion ought to be prepared to apologise for past misdeeds before suggesting agendas for the present and the future. And some way of making sure that it doesn’t happen again.

I guess the same goes for political parties and a lot of non-religious groups as well.

Cardinal Walter Kasper hit the news in the UK just before the Papal Visit … though what he actually said in the context in which he meant it to be heard is something that the media seemed to lose track of.

For a little while I gave some thought to the Church’s role in past misdemeanours.

I typed the following search into the little box displayed at www.google.co.uk

is the catholic church evil

The second result in the list that came back tells me that God Hates the Catholic Church!

The thing I find difficult to understand is that the person that wrote this stuff expected to be taken seriously.

Even harder to understand is that some people agree.

And even harder … how can someone write all that stuff and then … at the very top of the page in bright red letters make the following quote:

"The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate." -Proverb 8:13

My mind is boggling.

I then took a look at the home page: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/

Oh my gosh!

Which led me to: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Bible/NIV/why.htm where Mr Stuart tells me:

If you are using the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible, and continue to do so after reading this article, then you are truly blinded by Satan, or just don't care.

At this point Andrea breathes a sigh of relief … no NIV for me.

There’s a part of me that thinks – so what? What if David J. Stewart thinks this?

And another part of me thinks – David J. Stewart should not go unchallenged.

So … here goes … in my opinion … David J. Stewart is a misguided man who misunderstands the book which he proclaims to be divinely inspired and infallible. He’s lost touch with the God that is described in the New Testament. He has made the book that He reads into his God.

I guess that he might see me as an abomination … under the influence of Satan. The only way I know to disagree with that it to discuss things rationally and reasonably. But maybe I’m on a loser when disagreeing with the infallible.

The letter that Paul wrote to the Galatians says:

... the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance …

Or in the 1611 version:

… the fruit of the spirit is loue, ioy, peace, long suffering, gentlenesse, goodnesse, faith, meekenesse, temperance …

It would be nice to see a little of this at http://www.jesus-is-savior.com. But I’m not holding my breath.

Having spent a little while reading some of this stuff I wondered if there were other people that had similar views on the King James 1611 version of the Bible.

And Google led me here: King James Bible Believers

Mostly it saddens me. It seems that people are willing to buy into infallibility at the cost of their reason.

I left a message in the guest book:

http://kjv1611.org.uk/hivyersay/index.php dated 21 September 2010:

I'm convinced that you are mistaken ... but have the feeling that no amount of discussion will change your mind.
Infallibility - real or imagined - is a difficult thing to enter into a discussion with.

The reply:

Andrea:
You signed our guest book saying we are mistaken. What may we ask 'are we mistaken about'? What article are you referring to?
Webmaster

It begins with the infallibility of KJV 1611 thing. And the way that “reason” seems to be belittled and scorned whenever it seems to conflict with the infallible.

But it doesn’t end there. I read parts of the article at: http://kjv1611.org.uk/What%20Happens%20to%20Babies%20and%20the%20Retarded%20at%20Death.htm. There was a time when I might have thought the same. But really … to follow this logic to its extreme … wouldn’t it be better if most of humanity had never grown beyond babyhood?

The page that I first visited at this site was: http://kjv1611.org.uk/Questions%20for%20those%20who%20think%20the%20KJV%20Only%20are%20wrong!.htm

Here are the questions from the web site … and my thoughts in italics:

Let me ask you to answer the following questions about my position:

1. How many people am I leading to Hell because I believe the AV1611 is infallible?

If there is no hell … then no one.

If there is a hell … then perhaps there is just one person that turned away from Christ because they found it hard to see how anyone could make such a big thing out of this.

And if there is one … perhaps there is another.

2. How many young Christians will grow up with a stunted knowledge of the Bible, if I teach them to read it with the belief it is infallible and the very words of God?

To read it in the belief that this one translation is infallible requires a leap of faith that, I believe, discredits the word faith. How can it be infallible? It’s a translation. Really? How can it? And what happens when they discover the truth?

3. What is wrong with holding up the AV1611 and telling Bible-believing Christians, "You can trust every word"?

There are mistakes in the translation. Really. There are.

4. How much of my reward will I lose for trusting God to keep his "WORDS" to every generation?

Which generation? Which language? Where? When? You mean God promised somewhere that there would be a 100% accurate, unequivocal and unambiguous translation of the Bible in English? For ever? Always?

5. If I am not allowed to believe the AV1611 is infallible, then which version should hold that distinction?

You may believe what you will … but really … honestly … there isn’t one.

6. If no version can hold that distinction, what do you suggest I tell my grand-children the next time they read Psalm 12:6-7?

This would be a start: http://kjvonlydebate.com/2010/03/17/psalm-126-7-preservation/

7. If I am forced to learn Hebrew and Greek before I can study the "words" of God, will you pay for our lessons?

I didn’t mention Hebrew nor Greek. And you do know … they aren’t infallible either. Honestly.

8. Please tell me why you still "preach from" the AV1611 but do not believe it is infallible?

Actually I don’t.

9. Which Bible do you use in your private studies and which one is the "best translation"?

None. But if I did … and when I did … looking at different translations added meaning and aided understanding … tended to avoid bigotry. It wasn’t ever about the best translation. It was about understanding and doing.

10. Why can't you just leave us "ignorant brethren" alone with our belief in the infallibility of the Scriptures and let us retain the title "Bible-believers", while you could use the title "Bible-correctors and interpreters"?

Mainly, I think, because you make such an issue of the truth and base the premise of your truth upon what seems to be an untruth. Also … if you cannot leave other people alone, you can expect others to not leave you alone.

So … there you go.

Of course … I am definitely not infallible.

Well … unless I am having a discussion with Sally, Sarah or Katie … in which case everyone knows I am always right. The clue is almost in my name :)

I’ve left the following message in the guestbook dated 27 September 2010:

Thank you for replying to my earlier comment of September 21st.
I believe that you are misguided over the issue of the infallibility of the KVJ1611 version - but also about other things as well.
I've written in a little more length in my blog at: http://andrea-wright.blogspot.com/2010/09/popes-cardinals-catholicism-evil-and.html
I do though, respect your right to your beliefs and also respect that you are prepared to allow people to leave messages on your guest book even where the message is in disagreement with you.
Andrea

Andreas Outings and Being Different

2010-09-22T22:21:00.001+01:00

Last week was the first time in what seems ever so long that I had a trip out as Andrea. It was to a monthly TV Dinner at Kathie and Billie’s.

The food was excellent … as was the company.

Nikki had news of a recent trip to Pink Punters … an evening of champagne, good company and dancing. I was envious.

It was great to catch up with Tina, Julia, Tania and Katie as well as Billie and Kathie and everyone else.

I’ve heard really nice things about Femesque and am need of a change in hair and also makeup hints and tips are always welcome. So I hope to pay a visit sometime soon.

This coming Sunday, being the last in the month, is a Surrey Swans day. So that’ll be nice. And there’s a chance of a visit to Candy Girls with Tina in October.

I’m frequently challenged at my own attitudes to things and to people.

As a t-girl myself I have developed … or maybe acquired … a set of preconceptions.

Yet the transgendered “scene” challenges these fairly frequently.

Most t-girls that I’ve met are keen to express femininity in the way they dress and makeup.

Of course there is a particular kind of view of femininity here. And it’s not the only one. I’ll call this particular view of femininity “t-girl femininity”.

There are people in the transgendered community though that have a different view of things. People with beards … less makeup … stubbly chins … an unconventional dress sense.

There are t-girls who will only venture out into public because they feel they will not be spotted. And others that can’t venture out for fear of being spotted.

And there are ways in which a transsexual perspective on things can be quite different from a transvestite perspective.

When I go out I accept the fact that some people will spot me as a transvestite. But, something I learned from Fiona Floyd quite a while ago … that’s what I am. And so it need be no big deal. And yet … it depends on who notices and how they react.

It is, I think, about accepting differences. People being able to accept transvestites like me as just being different. Just as I must accept other people in the transgendered community as being different. And all kinds of other people as being different.

Different isn’t bad. It’s not always easy. But in itself it isn’t bad.

Korans and Bibles

2010-09-10T21:16:00.001+01:00

In the early morning there has been no sign of Zo.

And then there is the Dove World Outreach Center in Florida.

Will they or won’t they spend a day burning copies of the Koran?

It reminds me of a conversation I once had with Jeff Peake … a friend way back when I was a student. At the time I was a born again Christian and Jeff a once-upon-a-time Catholic.

He was leafing through a Bible that I had and asked hoe I’d feel if someone tore it up.

“I’d feel it was bit of a waste” I said.

He was a bit surprised that that I didn’t see it as being some kind of deeply sacrilegious act.

To me, even then when I believed that the Bible was the divinely inspired word of God, the book in Jeff’’s hand was just paper. The words mattered. But the book was just paper.

On the TV news I saw the posters that declared “Islam is of the Devil.”

Of course, the people that write that kind of stuff really mean “Every religion and philosophy that disagrees with my outlook on life is of the Devil.”

Today I was wondering … would Jesus have burned copies of the Koran if it had been around then?

I wondered other things as well.

I think there are a lot of things He wouldn’t have done even if He had the opportunity.

Would He have fought in a war? Burned religious books? Killed people that burned copies of religious books … even the Bible? Would He have had two coats while He knew of people that had none? Would He have fought against people who wanted to persecute Him? Kill Him?

Pastor Terry Jones … I don’t know you or your congregation. And I’m not a Christian any more. But you know the answers to these questions. You do. Really you do.

Read I Corinthians 13. Read the Bible.

You are wrong.

Honestly.

It’s a shameful day for the Church when the world at large shows more compassion and understanding than does the Church.

And to the people of Islam … isn’t Allah strong enough to make sure that things work out in the end?

Does Allah really need you to threaten people with death because of the actions of a few extremists?

Does Allah really need anyone to kill anyone?

Cannot God take care of Himself … or Herself.

Zo, Larry Norman and Jesus

2010-09-08T21:39:00.001+01:00

In the early hours of the morning a message pops up on my screen.

>Hi

I say Hi and we talk a while.

She is Zo. Though when all you know about someone is the words that they type you may not actually know anything about them.

Early twenties. Unhappy.

She mentions suicide.

Kits.

Bags of Helium.

I know it’s not easy to know how seriously to take people during online chats. It hard enough face to face sometimes.

But she seems to mean what she is typing.

> takes just a couple of minutes not too painful if at all

> yet there is pain for other people

> my family understand I’ve tried a few times before and in the beginning I was trying to get help

> there would still be great pain

> then to be shut away in hospital again now I just don’t want to be here my family have said they would do anything to get me to stay but they wouldn’t make me stay in a world I couldn’t understand be a part of or be happy in i know I’m going to hurt them but I wouldn’t do it unless I really felt I needed to

> you don’t need to … there are alternatives and choices

> I’ve made my choices I’ve tried everything else over the 8 years I’ve been ill

> there are always other things

> time, therapy, counselling, confidence building courses, family bonding groups, medication, the lot

> at the heart of it all though is you … maybe you just need a way to rediscover yourself somehow

> I know who I am I’m the person who looks in the mirror and sees every bad persons hand that’s ever been on her, the person who has so much sadness in her eyes she’s ashamed of herself, the person who can’t walk past her front door, who is frightened to live, too scared of failure of pain who has medication just to keep her calm because anything scares her now

> I think the person you see in the mirror isn’t you … the real you inside is different than that

> the person inside is hateful, scared, kind yet still sad

>the person inside … deep inside … is beautiful

We talk a while longer.

Circles.

Zo disconnects.

Today whilst walking at lunchtime I thought of Zo.

I don’t know if she is real. I don’t know if what she said is fact or fiction. But I can live with the possibility of being duped.

Her words remind me of what I wrote of Paulo Coelho just yesterday.

He wrote:

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.

This isn’t the whole truth, of course. There are many other things that can make a dream impossible to achieve.

And yet … fear of failure is debilitating. If it even stops the attempt at the dream, then the dream is doomed.

There was a time when my instinct would have been to pray for Zo.

Prayer offers a sense of doing something positive. Of helping.

In my agnostic days prayer no longer is an instinct.

But I did pray … as best I could.

Zo had a lot of questions about life.

And the answers aren’t easy. I’m not so sure exactly what they are.

I thought of my pre-Indigo-Girls, pre-Agnostic, post-Atheist life. My favourite musician of the time was Larry Norman. Christian but unconventional. The words of a song of his that I liked a lot at the time buzzed through my mind.

It’s here:

And the lyrics:

Sipping whiskey from a paper cup,
You drown your sorrows till you can't stand up,
Take a look at what you've done to yourself,
Why don't you put the bottle back on the shelf,
Yellow fingers from your cigarettes,
Your hands are shaking while your body sweats,

Why don't you look into Jesus, He's got the answer.

Gonorrhoea on Valentines Day,
And you're still looking for the perfect lay,
You think rock and roll will set you free,
Honey, you'll be deaf before your thirty three,
Shooting junk till your half insane,
Broken needle in your purple vein,

Why don't you look into Jesus, he's got the answer.

You work all night and then you sleep all day,
You take your money, throw it all away,
You say you're going to be a superstar,
But you've never hung around enough to find out who you really are.

Think back to when you were a child,
Your soul was free, your heart ran wild,
Each day was different, and life was a thrill,
You knew tomorrow would be better still,
Things have changed you're much older now,
If you're unhappy and you don't know how,

Why don't you look into Jesus, He's got the answer

Of course, to think back to when you were a child isn’t a happy thing for some people to do. In the same way that talking about God as being a father doesn’t help everyone.

There was a time when I thought Jesus had the answer. Was the answer.

And still, maybe for some people, in some places, He still does and is. There are times, I think, when people just need a reason to keep going. To keep trying. To have a reason to be able to face their fears and not be overcome. And maybe there are worse reasons to keep going.

While I’m in a Larry kind of mood … the first song of his that I ever heard is here. I still find it moving.

A friend, Rob Wilson, played it for me having sussed out that Larry Norman might appeal to me more than did the Glorylanders. He was right.

And then there is this … written so long ago … and yet … it’s absolutely up to date. Protest kind of songs seem to be timeless. Listen to it all the way through if you can … it’s worth it … honest.

What do you think?

Tonight … early tomorrow … I’ll go online a while.

Perhaps Zo will be there.

Really I don’t have much to say.

But I’m happy to listen.

Dreams, The Universe and Paulo Coelho

2010-09-07T22:38:00.001+01:00

One of the books that I read whilst in Austria was Like the Flowing River: Thoughts and Reflections by Paulo Coelho. Over the years I’ve read several books by Paulo Coelho. And I have mixed views on the things that he says.

I think that my main hang-ups are associated with statements that may have an element of truth in certain circumstances, but are patently not universal truths.

In his book, The Alchemist there are these words:

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

…

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

In my heart and mind I feel and think that these statements are not true.

Maybe some people find that it works for them.

But I need only to watch the news on TV on almost any evening to know … to be certain … that for many people the universe seems to be disinterested … and unfulfilled dreams have nothing at all to do with the fear of failure.

I know, The Alchemist is a story. It isn’t a work of non-fiction. But it seems to also be written as a parable … a philosophy … a theology.

But the words … well … ultimately they seem to be empty because they seem to be not true.

Austrian Walking and Emergency Calls

2010-09-06T21:20:00.001+01:00

We recently got back from a walking holiday in the Upper Inn valley area of Austria.

In addition to walking more kilometres in any two week period ever I managed to read three and a half books.

The walking was great … amazing scenery … and only a minor amount of foot pain. Mostly good weather. Nice people. Excellent food.

The Austrian Tyrol is a place of mountains, valleys and villages. Many shades of green.

It is also a place of crucifixes … almost on every street corner.

We stayed in a village named Ladis near Fiss and Serfaus.

Over the two weeks I managed to take over 1200 photos. Here’s a small selection:

A view of the villages:

Walking above the birds:

A blade of grass:

A view of the upper Inn valley:

The church at Ladis at dusk:

Hanging around:

More hanging around:

A cloud and a tree:

A butterfly:

The walk down t0 lake Reschen, Italy:

In Serfaus there is a small subway. This picture was taken inside one of the carriages:

Having searched Wikepedia … I now know that NOTRUF means “Emergency Call”.

At the time, it amused me as a kind of philosophical statement … you have to sound it phonetically and pronounce the F as TH.

I know. It’s sad. But it amused me enough to prompt me to take the photograph.

The books that I read … well one of them at least … did give me some food for thought. More of that in a future post, perhaps.

God, the Bible, Gender, Shellfish, Haircuts, Love and Nail Files

2010-07-22T21:44:00.001+01:00

It’s that time of year again. As I take my lunchtime stroll there are bushes overflowing with fruit. It hangs heavily on their branches. The grey footpath is littered with yellow and red.

Each year I think … how extravagant nature is. Or is it wasteful? Or is it so harsh and cruel that there needs to be an over-abundance of fruit … just so that a few survive.

I guess until relatively recently it was the same with people.

A thought that has crossed my mind several times over the past few months is the idea that I should revisit the concept of God.

There was a time that God was a person to me. That Christianity was a relationship … a friendship … much more than it was a religion.

This was all based on the “evangelical” kind of view that the Bible is the final authority on all matters. And, what I now believe to be incorrect, a feeling that there was some kind of definitive logic in the way that evangelicals … the kind of person that I was … interpreted and understood the Bible. That there was some kind of objective and unbiased view that represented the truth.

And yet … there isn’t. We all bring our preconceptions and prejudices. The things that influence what we accept as fact and truth … and those things that need to be “interpreted”, discussed and disregarded.

My friend Dani recently left a comment on a blog posting that I made a while ago … it’s here. Reading the article that Dani mentioned led me on to some more searching around … and there is this … Proof that fundamentalists selectively quote the Bible. It’s worth reading. It makes it clear that if you you are Christian and have hang-ups about Gay or Lesbian people then you should also steer well clear of shrimps and be careful how you shave.

Really I knew this all along.

One of the first “Christian” Books I ever read was a thing by Francis Schaeffer called Genesis in Space and Time. It had a title that intrigued me.

It’s intelligently written … but even then as a new Christian … I wondered why Francis Schaffer was adamant that it was important that there was a literal Adam and Eve … and yet the eating of the fruit in the Garden of Eden was an allegory.

At the time I guess I though that he knew better than me.

In fact, really, I think it’s about what we choose to believe … which then influences how we interpret these things.

Emily Saliers … an Indigo Girl just in case you didn’t know … put it like this in her song Deconstruction:

We talked up all night and came to no conclusion
We started a fight that ended in silent confusion
And as we sat stuck you could hear the trash truck
Making its way through the neighbourhood
Picking up the thrown out different from house to house
We get to decide what we think is no good
We're sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary
And as for the truth it seems like we just pick a theory
The one that justifies our daily lives
And backs us with quiver and arrows
To protect openings cause when the warring begins
How quickly the wide open narrows
Into the smallness of our deconstruction of love
We thought it was changing, but it never was
It's just the same as it ever was

The song is here:

Life is a subjective kind of thing.

Anyway … I digress.

My plan is to try revisiting some of the places that I’ve been before but with an acceptance that it is ok … inevitable even … to have a subjective view on the stuff. That it’s ok not to see it all from an evangelical perspective.

I don’t know where this will lead me. Though I know there is no going back to where I used to be.

Tonight I read through I Corinthians Chapter 13. It’s here. And I have to say … it’;s hard to disagree with any of it.

I remember, many years ago, someone saying it’s an interesting exercise to take these words:

Love is patient,

love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude,

it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects,

always trusts,

always hopes,

always perseveres.

Love never fails.

And wherever it says love or it try substituting with the word I.

And even today, if I do that, I’m left with the feeling … I wish.

So now … though I don’t know where this is leading or what I’m looking for … it’s true to say that even without a belief in God … and in the certainty that I disagree wholeheartedly with the views that some Christians have … the Bible does say some things that are worth listening to.

Like many things though … it’s not what you read … not what you say … or what you say you believe … that matters. Not really. In the end it’s about what you do.

And now I need a break … so it’s out with the nail file.

Party on the Lawn 2010

2010-07-22T20:13:00.001+01:00

Just in case you were wondering what Party on the Lawn was like … and if if you weren’t … here’s just a few snippets of video so you can get a tiny little flavour. I did enjoy it a lot.

Graduations, cats and bags

2010-07-20T22:41:00.001+01:00

Towards the end of January Katie, my younger daughter, graduated at Durham University. Sally and I … and Katie as well … enjoyed the day enormously.

There were occasional moments of drama.

Sally had just finished showering at the hotel … just after I had finished showering … when there was a knock at the door.

A maintenance man needed to get at the bathroom … downstairs was experiencing a bit of a flood.

In a way this wasn’t a big surprise. To get hot water the shower needed to be on full power. When it was on full power … well … there was a lot of water.

At the time both Sally and myself were … I was going to say scantily clad … but the word unclad is closer to the reality.

I wrapped a towel around my waist and let the man in to check out the bathroom.

It wasn’t until after he’d gone that I realised my toenails were a bright shiny red nail polish kind of colour.

Bill Bryson is the Chancellor at Durham University … and so Katie got to shake his hand and be congratulated by him. One of the new Graduates gave Bill a high five rather than a handshake.

In his speech Bill explained that sometimes he even got a hug or a kiss.

He joked that the most important thing that the new Graduates needed to do was to work out a way to actually beat Germany at football.

He lamented that we seem to not be able to plan for the future … even though the architects of Durham Cathedral, where the graduation ceremony takes place, had planned way ahead into the future … so long ago.

Of course, this is an over simplification. Katie and I talked about this later … and … unusually for us … actually had similar views and admitted it.

Needless to say, it was a very proud … in the nicest sense of the word … day.

In mid July Sarah … elder daughter … graduated at the University of Manchester. Just a few days after Sparkle … so it was another trip to North West England for me. Again the graduation was a very, very special occasion for us all. Another proud day.

We spent the night before the graduation with my brother and sister in law who live near Manchester.

It must have been about 2:00 am when we were well into a bottle of Bushmills Whiskey that my brother asked me about my fingernails.

Why are they so long?

Have I got nail polish on them?

Have I got to nails that are extremely long as well? In fact I don’t … but they do have red nail polish on.

“So … what is it all about?” he asks.

I’ve thought about this moment a lot. But haven’t rehearsed any answers.

“Do you really want to know?”

He says that he does.

I remind him of a trip that M (my sister in law) had made to Brighton with a friend a few years ago.

P (my brother) doesn’t remember.

M smiles … recollecting the conversation. They had ended up accidentally calling in at a bar where there was a singer that was a tranny. She doesn’t say anything, though.

Me and my brother head to the kitchen to get a glass of wine.

I look at him … and … a little hesitantly … say “I’m a transvestite.”

He is a little gobsmacked.

But not appalled.

The door opens … M is about to say g’night. But before she does … I tell her as well.

A little gobsmacked but not appalled.

Then M (P & M’s younger son) wanders in. I tell him.

“So?” he says. Not even a little gobsmacked and fine about it.

P & M haven’t worked out exactly what they feel about it all yet. They need some time. I don’t know if they’ll ever want to get to know Andrea. That’s up to them.

But it’s good to have been able to take the opportunity to tell them. And for them to be able to accept things … even if not able to embrace them.

We talked as little about things like … how long? Why? Who knows? Sparkle.

Next day we met up with them for a meal to celebrate Sarah’s graduation … no opportunity to talk further … but also no tension.

The cat, as they say, is getting more and more out of the bag.

Sparkle 2010 – Saturday

2010-07-20T20:52:00.001+01:00

A thing I forgot to mention that happened on Friday afternoon as Tina and I were walking along Canal Street. A girl stopped and asked if I could help tie the shoulder strap of her dress together … her partner was standing there looking a little helpless … she said he was useless at that kind of thing. We talked a little while and the shoulder strap was fastened in almost no time.

It’s kind of nice how some girls just sort of accept us as girls.

10:00 am and time to get up.

Shave, shower, teeth, makeup and dress.

The plan is to breakfast at Weatherspoons – we just have to get there by mid day.

Laura and Billie say they’ll meet us in a while.

We’re just about finished eating when we discover that Billie and Laura maybe drank a little more than we thought last night.

Ring … ring.

“Hi Laura.”

“Hi Andrea. Err ... which way do you turn when you leave the hotel to get to Weatherspoons?”

“Turn right … walk a hundred yards or so and it’s on the right.”

“Oh … we went the wrong way. See you in a few minutes.”

Just a few minutes later they arrive. We head for the Arndale Centre to do a little shopping.

We wander around Primark a while. Then H & M.

Do you like the shades?

There’s a man walking from side to side across the paved area.

Bible in hand.

Reading.

Condemning all kinds of things.

The term Sodomite is included in what he is reading.

And he’s not saying anything nice.

At first I walk on by.

But I can’t go on just leaving what he is saying unchallenged.

I walk towards him … but his head is in his Bible so I don’t think he sees me coming.

I put my arm around his shoulders and say … “Brother … you are wrong.”

He’s a little surprised.

“Do you believe that God is Holy?” he asks me.

“If God is there … I think He loves people more than you give Him credit for.” I reply.

“But do you believe that God is Holy?”

I look, and feel, sad.

We only talk for a few moments.

I guess that to him, Andrea is just as much an abomination as as the sodomites that he has been reading about. Though he doesn’t say this, and he doesn’t look appalled.

There are people standing close by.

I ask if they agree with what he’s saying.

“Nooooooo they say.”

They say they find it difficult to see how God could cope with such people in Heaven.

To some extent I feel that I know where the preacher is coming from.

There was a time … a long time ago … when I stood in front of a microphone in the Town Hall Square in Rochdale and gave Bible Readings and little sermons.

The emphasis though was, I think, on God’s love rather than His judgement.

But I know that the preacher was doing what he thought was right.

I guess that he believes that TV’s, TS’s, gay people … the unconverted … are travelling along the wide road that leads to Hell and he wants to help rescue them.

He’s doing what he does because he cares.

But, I believe that the place that he is starting from is wrong.

And good intentions don’t make a thing right.

We passed by a little later and I took a few pictures. He smiled and said he hoped that I’d caught his good side. Actually, it’s hard to find a good side to what he was saying. There he is on the right.

I don’t feel angry at him … though I do feel sad.

I’m glad that not all Christians have the same overly narrow minded view of God. There are churches that accept Gay and transgendered folk.

In trying to work out what passage he was reading from I Googled around a little. There are a lot of people with views that are, to me at any rate, appalling. Truly appalling.

In a strange way, though, the event is somewhat liberating for me. I’m past the stage where I feel that as a transvestite I’m compelled to fade into the background. Little by little I’m gaining the confidence to just be myself … and … if need be … to assert to other people that I have the right to be myself.

Having said that … it was a safe kind of environment to do. He may have had problems with accepting gay people’s right to be gay … but he was hardly likely to start being abusive or violent. There are other places and times where it is better not to be noticed.

We pop into Evans … a girl wanders over to us and asks “Is Sparkle this weekend?”

Well … we certainly aren’t hoodwinking everyone into thinking we are girls.

But for me that’s ok … I’m not actually a girl ... I’m a transvestite and I’m ok with that.

We have a nice little chat with her.

Next stop is a cafe for a bite to eat for Laura (who had not had breakfast) and coffee, Sprite or water for the rest of us.

Tina is on the lookout for some perfume so we begin searching for a Boots store.

A girl walks towards us … “Hey girls …. you all look great!” she smiles.

It’s strange … how differently people react.

She tells us where to find Boots … just out the exit and across the street.

Inside the store, we are handed lots and lots and lots of samples by the girls on the cosmetics counters.

Slowly we meander back towards the Canal Street area and head for Sackville Gardens, where the afternoon show takes place.

We take a look around the various stalls. Several Police forces are represented:

A lady at an NHS (National Health Service) stall asks me if I’d mind answering a few questions. They’re collecting information about transgendered people’s experiences of the NHS. So I answer some questions.

Lots of people seem to be selling wigs. A few are selling boobs. Cosmetics. Clothing.

At one stall a girl says “We’ve changed the prices … everything is just £1. Well … everything apart from me. I’m 50 pence” she winks.

There’s music … January is the only non TG performer. Here she is with the Pink Punters bus in the background.

We head for Eden again … there it is in the background to the left, with Tina in the foreground.

And again, with Andrea in the foreground:

A few longboats sail down the canal … stopping to pass through the locks.

I just kind of rested up against a lock gate.

And then back to the park to watch the Tranny of the Year presentation.

And here you go … a bit of January singing and Tranny of the Year:

It’s a little curious that there is a sign at the entrance to Sackville Gardens explaining that you had better not drink alcohol in there.

Today, of course, as well as representatives from three police forces there is also a bar and the alcohol is flowing. But not much sign of anyone getting drunk.

Eventually Tina and I head for the hotel to get changed for the Sparkle Ball.

As we head in we meet Laura and Billie who are two hours early. They head for the bar. We head for the hotel room.

Everything gets renewed.

A little over an hour … well … quite a bit over an hour … later we head for the lift (elevator). and here I am.

And here’s Tina:

The receptionist telephones for a taxi … it’s not actually very far to where the Ball is … unless you have heels … then everywhere is very far.

The taxi arrives within a few minutes and here we are a little later:

And a passer by:

And eventually we head back towards Canal Street … rather slowly and carefully and call in at the Via bar for a couple of drinks.

And all to soon it’s time to wash the makeup off … sleep … and be a guy again.

I did enjoy the weekend a lot.

Roll on Sparkle 2011!

Sparkle 2010 – Friday Evening – Restaurants, Clubs and Pubs

2010-07-16T20:52:00.001+01:00

The makeup is still intact from the afternoon, so only minor touch-ups are needed.

And a change of clothing.

Knock, knock.

Laura and Billie arrive and we head out.

It’s a short walk to the Red Chilli restaurant – highly recommended by my daughter, Sarah.

We take seats and browse through the menu. The food is great.

Tina and Billie:

Laura and myself:

Later we head along to a bar along Canal Street.

“A half of Fosters, please.” I say.

A pint of Fosters arrives.

Oh well. I can cope. The weather is hot, the beer is cold.

“Do you have a Crunch Card?”

“Pardon?”

“Do you have a Crunch Card?”

Having no idea what a Crunch Card is or why I might have one, I admit that I don’t have one.

“That’s £2.50 then please.”

“Here you go … you can use mine.” offers a guy standing close by.

After a short discussion I get to use the Crunch Card.

“That’s £2.00 then, please.”

I head outside to phone home.

“Where are you?” asks Sally.

I look around and see a sign … “The Crunch Bar on Canal Street” I say. The penny drops and in a moment of enlightenment I figure out what a Crunch Card is.

Next we head for Eden. Just a little way down the road from the Crunch Bar and across the other side of the Canal.

We discover that they even serve Black Sheep at Eden.

Black Sheep is actually a beer, rather than a troublesome kind of person.

But maybe they server troublesome Black Sheep as well.

Billie and Laura head out on a voyage of discovery whilst Tina and I deal with the Black Sheep. They say just cross the bridge, turn right and we’ll be in whatever bar is first on the left.

We set off in search … calling in every bar on the left.

Eventually I get my phone out.

“We’re at a bar called ….” says Laura.

“What?”

“…”

“Pardon?”

Eventually we manage to translate … the place is called Via.

We sit outside with a drink. You can see the Crunch Club in the background.

At about 11:00 pm we notice the tables and chairs disappearing around us.

“Sorry ladies … we need your furniture.”

It seems that after 11:00 pm there is no alcohol on the street.

We head inside and discover the Via bar is not all that it seems from the outside.

There are three bars, a dance floor and a whole mini labyrinth of interconnecting staircases and passageways.

Like many of the bars on Canal Street, the Via bar looks as though it used to be a Cotton Mill at some point in its history.

The decor is quite quaint … parts of the furnishings looking as though they could once have been a part of a Church at some time or other.

We sit at a table beside a chair that looks like a min throne.

Here’s the chair.

Laura and myself …

And we all take a turn in the chair.

Time passes and we head for the Weatherspoons pub on Oxford Road … just round the corner from the hotel.

On the way there's a bar that

seems to have come up with an interesting mechanism for allowing people outside to smoke cigarettes and yet stop people passing by from sneaking inside. It’s a little like walking past a cage.

The inmates seem quite tame.

We’re the only trannie’s in Weatherspoons, but no one minds.

After a short while, a girl with her partner wanders over with two small bottles of perfume and asks us which we prefer … blue or yellow.

Laura tries the yellow:

And the blue:

And recovers:

Whilst Tina and I watch:

On the whole, the blue wins.

At 1:00 am it’s time to go.

A short walk back to the hotel.

Makeup removal.

Sleep.

Sparkle 2010 - Arriving

2010-07-15T22:25:00.001+01:00

The weekend of July 9th, 10th and 11th was Sparkle (Sparkle). This is my third visit.

I arrived at Tina’s at about 08:45 on the Friday morning and we set of for Manchester pretty soon after that. Both in “male mode”.

As always, the amount of stuff packed for a mere two nights away could be viewed as being somewhat excessive. But you never know what you might need.

The traffic was pretty light and we arrived at the Premiere Inn on Portland Street at about 1:15. The girls working at the hotel reception asked about what had brought us to Manchester and we talked about Sparkle for a while. We promised to say hi on our way out later after we’d had a chance to get changed and made up.

We parked the cat in the NCP Car Park on Oxford Street assuming that we wouldn’t see it again until Sunday.

Stepping out of the lift (elevator) on the ground floor I realised I might get to see it a little sooner. The hotel key-card was sitting on the top of the dashboard still.

Eventually, back at the hotel we began to change.

I sent a text to Laura and Billie to say we’d arrived and which room we were in.

The usual make up and getting dressed routine. Complicated a little by the warm weather and the fact that the air cooling system wasn’t cooling the air very much. Foundation goes on a lot more easily without perspiration.

Tina was ready before me and set off to meet up with a friend that was staying at the Britannia Hotel a little way along Portland Street. We aimed to meet each other at the Rembrandt Hotel on Canal Street where the Welcome to Sparkle reception was taking place.

Eventually I was ready and set off … a wave towards reception and a short walk down Portland Street taking a right turn into Chorlton Street.

Most people don’t notice me at all. A few look at me a little, but pay no real attention.

As I reach Canal Street and think about whether to head left or right to get to The Rembrandt I see Tina and a couple of girls and I rediscover that it’s a right turn.

We chat and walk and arrive at the Rembrandt in just a few minutes.

Tina and I head upstairs, say hello and pick up a few leaflets.

It’s very hot up there so we head downstairs to buy a drink.

A girl at the bar says she likes my perfume.

We head outside. There’s just one table free … with only a single chair.

I talk Tina into sitting down … and within a couple of minutes a guy from a nearby table spots that there is a spare chair and brings it over to me. It’s quite sweet sometimes … the difference that wearing a dress can make. Here’s the view form where we are sitting.

And Tina …

And me …

Laura phones … she and Billie were delayed … but are almost here.

We head back to the hotel to get ready for the evening and to meet up with them.

Party on the Lawn and TV Evangelists

2010-06-21T22:36:00.001+01:00

Last Saturday(June 19th) I went along to Party on the Lawn with Sally (wife) and Sarah (elder daughter).

A really nice day. Chris While and Julie Matthews were great … as were all the other folk that played.

Jim Crawford was especially good. Sarah said he was the only person that had her laughing at his jokes … they seemed unrehearsed. He made me smile when he introduced one song something like this …

“My next song was inspired by one of my pet hates … TV Evangelists … or … as we call them in our house … bastards.”

I’m sure that not all TV evangelists are. But the good natured way in which Jim said it made me smile.

He said his first ever gig was at an old people’s home in Rochdale … my home town … though Jim himself is from Bury.

A night on the town

2010-06-14T23:24:00.001+01:00

Sally was away last Saturday so I took the opportunity to invite a few friends for a girls night out and a sleepover.

Sally was very sweet … I got home on Friday night to find that she’d sorted out the rooms for everyone.

I was all made up and ready by about 4:30 pm. Billie arrived soon after that. We sat in the garden with a glass of wine and chatted as we waited for the others to arrive.

Nikki arrived a little later than planned … unable to resist a little en-route shopping.

Laura arrived soon afterwards … having become snared up in Legoland traffic.

Laura and Billie in the garden …

And me and Billie:

Eventually everyone was ready …

Surreptitiously sneaking out to the car in the driveway is an impossibility when there are four of you.

Getting into the car was an exceedingly odd experience.

A small 2 door Nissan Micra and a gaggle of taller than average girls was bound to be a little different.

The way that Billie decided to get into the back seat was more than different.

Picture the scene.

The passenger door was open and the seat folded forwards.

And Billie makes an entrance … bottom first.

Nikki found it hard to believe.

I couldn’t see how it could possibly work.

Billie was sitting on the floor.

Nikki was giggling.

Me too.

Somehow though … Billie ended up sitting on the seat.

Quite a bit of squirming around I think.

There followed a short drive to the car park at the library.

I went to get a ticket from the machine … and so have no knowledge at all of how Billie managed to get out of the car.

The ticket was inexpensive … it’s free for Windsor residents after 7:00 pm.

The walk from the library car park, through the little alleyway to Peascod Street … then up towards Windsor Castle … along Thames Street towards the Central Station and to Cafe Rouge is uneventful. Though not without a little pain for those of us with higher heels.

A table for four.

The restaurant was fairly quiet … I guess a lot of people were watching England play the USA in the World Cup match.

No one pays us any undue attention.

Nikki manages to wangle a steak for the price of a chicken dish.

After paying the bill we head off back towards Peascod Street.

We pause to take a few pictures.

There is a sense in which Trannies out in the wild ought to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

There’s another sense in which this isn’t at all easy.

As we take the pictures people walking by can’t help but notice. After all … our voices are a little on the husky side. But no one minds or says anything.

We’re headed for the Crosses Corner pub.

Walking down Peascod Street we pass a group of girls … Filipino I think … who say hello. They’re headed to the Liquid nightclub. One has her shoes in her hand … sore feet … and is impressed at the height of Laura and Nikki’s heels and the fact that they are still walking on them.

As we reach the Crosses Corner … it looks a little more daunting than expected.

There’s quite a crowd of people outside … a lot of macho looking kinda guys.

We decide to give it a go anyway and walk through the throng towards the entrance. In as ladylike a manner as we can.

People are staring somewhat.

But no one is taking or giving offence.

We order some drinks … orange juice for me … the joy of driving … and sit down at a table.

After a little while the landlord comes to collect empty glasses.

I pass Billie’s glass … oops … it’s not quite empty.

I pass it back and genteelly slap my own wrist.

There’s a little debris on the table from previous occupants.

The landlord smiles and looks at Billie.

“Give me your nuts” he says.

We giggle … a husky kind of giggle … and pass the almost empty bag of peanuts.

It’s quite noisy … the aftermath of the World Cup match … with fairly loud music.

As we head towards the exit a cheer sounds. At first just a coiuple of voices and then most of the people in the pub.

Maybe the second loudest cheer of the evening … England perhaps got a louder one when they scored.

Someone assists Laura down the steps.

The cheer is … I think … good natured.

The atmosphere wasn’t entirely a “make yourself at home” kind of thing. But nor was it hostile.

Outside amongst the still quite large group of people we work out where to head next. No one is paying us any attention. Which is a good thing.

We head back up Peascod Street aiming vaguely for The King and Castle pub on Thames Street.

A group of guys walk past.

One of them wanders towards us.

He says something … but we’re not sure what it is.

He’s obviously had more alcohol than is good for a person and seems to be speaking in an Eastern European language.

He seems to be smiling though.

We continue walking slowly.

He continues walking alongside.

Back and forth … away a little and then back towards us.

We have no idea what he is saying. No real idea of his intentions.

Eventually … he walks right across in front of us … and towards Nikki ,,, blocking her path and saying something that makes no real sense. But it sounds somewhat unpleasant.

Confrontational.

I step between them … hoping that it will be interpreted as a … hey … let’s cool things down kind of thing … in a pleasant kind of manner.

The guy looks me in the eye …. and pushes his chest into me.

I’m not sure what he expects me to do at this point.

Two girls walking past come over towards us and say to him … “You know …. there are a couple of policemen headed this way …. you ought to calm down.”

He seems to speak quite well in English swear words.

“Wankers” … he says.

Actually … it is my firm belief that almost every male on the planet that has reached the age of puberty would have to plead guilty to this in their more honest moments. Even those of us that wear dresses from time to time.

I am pretty sure that the Eastern European gentleman falls into this category as much as I do.

He carries on swearing a while.

The girls re-emphasise the coming of the policemen.

After a few moments a friend of the guys takes a hold of his arm and pulls him away … offering apologies.

They head off up the street.

“Idiot.” say the girls.

"Are you ok?” they ask me.

I’m fine.

It’s strange. A first experience for me.

As Nikki mentions though … such big extremes in behaviour.

The total twateddness of a drunken man … and the sweetness of a couple of girls who could have just walked on down the street but actually took the trouble … and risk … of coming over and offering assistance.

There’s shouting from further along the street as our friend begins to verbally abuse other people that he is passing. It seems that it’s human beings that he has a problem with … not just trannies.

We decide to get to the King and Castle via King Edward Court rather than along Peascod Street.

And so … eventually … we arrive.

Nikki goes to order the drinks.

A girl walking by smiles at Laura and says “Ohhhh … I like your hair” and runs her fingers through it.

As she disappears into the distance Laura recovers from the surprise and thinks about the things she could have said.

Maybe I should have complimented her in some way. “You have great boobs …”. Well … then again … maybe not she smiles.

We sit on the terrace. People notice us. But it;s fine.

A man comes over and asks if we’d mind coming sitting with him and his friend. Just curious he says.

It’s not easy to be sure about people’s motives … but Billie goes along and sits and chats with them a while … and the buy a drink … and they really do just want to talk and ask questions.

The time comes to head back.

Nikki and Laura are walking a little ahead of me. I allow them to walk past the alleyway that leads back to the library and then call them back.

The main reason is that I spotted the guy that ducked into the alleyway to pee and though it would be better not to surprise him.

Billie gets into the car backwards again and before you know it we’re back home.

It takes Billie an age to get out of the car.

We talk. Drink. Listen to music. Compare breast sizes. In a bizarre few moments we try a breast exchange.

Nikki gives me a few pictures from previous Pink Punters evenings.

Nikki makes me smile as she tells us about the perils of printing photographs at Boots.

Eventually … it’s time to sleep.

A really enjoyable … though fraught in parts … evening.

School Girls and School Dinners

2010-06-14T21:36:00.001+01:00

Last Tuesday we the theme at the TV dinner hosted by Kathie and Billie was School Dinners.

Many of us succumbed and took the opportunity to become school girls for the evening.

Fairly mature looking schoolgirls, I know.

The food was an enormous lot better than anything I ever got to eat at school. Delicious.

At one point during the evening Kathie revealed a secret …

“I’m hot in bed.”

Billie’s eyes widened a little at this point. With a smile.

We’d been talking about the warm weather.

A few pictures of fellow class members:

Nikki with extraordinarily long looking legs:

Laura with very non-regulation looking leg wear:

Tina:

Julia:

Tania:

And me:

And … well … I blame Anne Summers for this … and Kathie (the supplier of the cane) … and Nikki isn’t exactly an innocent bystander.

Friends and fears

2010-06-02T20:47:00.001+01:00

Sally, my wife, has been away the past few days … walking and golfing in North Wales. School holidays have benefits as well as disadvantages I guess.

Laura came over on Saturday evening and spent the night. It was a really pleasant evening. We drank tea and talked a bit and then went into Windsor for a while. Parking the car at the local library car park which is free in the evening … we walked up along Peascod street and down Thames Street past the castle. It began to rain a little se we ducked into the Central Station shopping area which provided a perfect opportunity to get a bite to eat at Cafe Rouge. It was quite busy so we sat outside … it’s a nice location in a covered area. The environment is perfect …. friendly … accepting.

Here’s Laura:

And here’s Andrea:

After eating we wandered back up to Thames Street. The rain had stopped so we took a left and headed down towards the river. It was just beginning to get dark … so sometime round about 9:00 pm I guess.

We turned left just before the Theatre Royal. Walking down the road with the theatre to our right a group of three girls were headed towards us.

“Excuse me … do you know where there’s a shop?” asks one.

“Err … what kind of a shop?” asks Andrea.

“One that sells cigarettes. And that’s open.” she smiles.

It makes a nice change to be able to helpful in these circumstances and know the answer.

“Ah … head down …” (pointing right) “… and on the corner at the next right there’s a shop that’s open 24 hours.”

They thank us and head right.

It’s strange. Just a few years ago I couldn’t have imagined wandering anywhere in public as a girl. And even more surprising is the way that so many people accept the whole thing so easily. However much people don’t notice … as soon as a trannie speaks … well … it’s a bit of a giveaway. But so many people seem to not be perturbed.

We continued on down towards the river. Still a few people walking here and there and several swans a-swimming.

We headed for the bridge that connects Windsor with Eaton.

Here’s Laura on the bridge. You can see the Windsor Eye (kinda like the London Eye but on a smaller scale) in the background.

And here’s me:

We meandered back towards the library car park and headed home.

The rest of the evening we talked and talked and talked about all kinds of things. Especially music. Peter Gabriel … a new CD Scratch my Back … is kind of unusual … but very pleasant. Bob Dylan … Bruce Springsteen … Indigo Girls … While and Matthews.

Work out which of us knew most about which of them?

We also talked about other things. Y’know the normal kinda macho things like suspender belts. Stockings. Hold ups. Tights.

Oh … yes … we managed to get through a fair amount of wine and Budweiser between us as well.

One minute we were talking … I was trying to remember which store sold Evie branded goods. The thought Peacocks came to mind.

All of a sudden I felt my arm being nudged .. it was almost 4:00 am.

Time to remove makeup and get some sleep.

I really enjoyed the evening. Laura is a great friend.

Sunday was a Surrey Swans evening. A chance to catch up with friends again … Laura, Billie, Emma and Tina.

Last night there was a story on the news about gay people … women mainly … in South Africa. Not easy at all. A lesbian that was raped and murdered just because she was lesbian. What kind of people would do that? Why are we … men especially … so afraid of what is different? Why does fear instil violence and hatred?

Today in Cumbria a taxi driver shot 12 people dead and injured 25. What drives someone to do that? What makes a man so afraid?

It makes the choice between stockings, tights and hold-ups seem somewhat mundane.

I heard on the breakfast news that 96% of dangerous driving offences are committed by men.

Testosterone isn’t necessarily such a good thing.

I emailed my MP (Member of Parliament) a little over a week ago asking about the government’s position on the homophobic bill that is being considered in Uganda. Having had no reply I emailed again last night and copied the PM (Prime Minister) as well. Tonight I received an acknowledgement from my MP’s PA (Parliamentary Assistant) with an assurance that he is looking into things and will write to me.

A few days ago I received an email from someone that had read my profile and would like a chance to meet with people at the Surrey Swans … that was cool.

Uganda, Gender and Phobias

2010-05-23T21:32:00.001+01:00

Over the weekend I’ve thought some about the Gay and Lesbian thing in Uganda that I mentioned in my previous post … and thanks Dani for your comment on that.

The text of the memorandum that describes the proposed bill is available by clicking here.

It makes sadder reading than I had imagined.

It says that it aims to protect the traditional family. And yet presents non-facts as facts.It gives the impression of being put together by people who are afraid of something or someone that they don’t understand. People who feel threatened. People who feel that the only way to deal with people who are different is to eradicate them. It rates as one of the most homophobic pieces of literature that I have ever read.

It says:

2. The offence of homosexuality.
(1) A person commits the offence of homosexuality if-
(a) he penetrates the anus or mouth of another person of the same sex with his penis or any other
sexual contraption;
(b) he or she uses any object or sexual contraption to penetrate or stimulate sexual organ of a
person of the same sex;
(e) he or she touches another person with the intention of committing the act of homosexuality.
(2) A person who commits an offence under this section shall be liable on conviction to
imprisonment for life.

And goes on:

3. Aggravated homosexuality.
(1) A person commits the offense of aggravated homosexuality where the
(a) person against whom the offence is committed is below the age of 18 years;
(b) offender is a person living with HIV;
(c) offender is a parent or guardian of the person against whom the offence is committed;
(d) offender is a person in authority over the person against whom the offence is committed;
(e) victim of the offence is a person with disability;
(f) offender is a serial offender, or
(g) offender applies, administers or causes to be used by any man or woman any drug, matter or
thing with intent to stupefy overpower him or her so as to there by enable any person to have
unlawful carnal connection with any person of the same sex,
(2) A person who commits the offence of aggravated homosexuality shall be liable on conviction
to suffer death.

And there is more. All of it depressing and saddening.

The Church of Uganda has published its own views … you can read them if you click here. And a group of Thinking Anglicans have expressed opinions on this here. The Anglican thinkers that have expressed thoughts are unimpressed with the Church of Uganda’s statement. Thank goodness.

There is an interesting article published by the New York Times here. There are also some views of people that live in Uganda here. If you have time please listen to them and let me know what you think. The taxi driver says, of Gay and lesbian people:

I am telling you, these people are not bad. They are not bad.

The Church Times has an article here.With some additional comments here.

A Ugandan bishop’s view (Joseph Abura) of it all is here.

I find this latter article the saddest of all. The same kid of idiocy that justified slavery … apartheid … the oppression of women … of protestants … Catholics … children … muslins.

It’s hard for me to understand how a Church can allow a man with such opinions to hold any kind of official position.

As I write this there is a program on television. A young black South African girl is crying as she tells the story of how she was raped. The narrator said that black South African girls have a 1 in 3 chance of finishing secondary school. They have a 1 in 2 chance of being raped. And nothing much seems to be done about it.

There is an article at Afrol here that includes the following information on Uganda:

Violence against women, including rape, remains common. Wife beating is viewed as a husband's prerogative. Delays in bringing capital offense cases to trial in situations, where a husband killed his wife, remains common.

Child abuse remains a serious problem, particularly the rape of young girls (known locally as "defilement"). While defilement carries a maximum sentence of death, that punishment has never been meted out to a convicted rapist.

An undetermined number of women were victims of abduction and rape by rebel forces. In past years, the LRA rebels/terrorists also reportedly sold and traded children, mostly girls, or provided them as gifts to arms dealers in Sudan. Women may not own or inherit property, nor retain custody of their children under local customary law.

Polygamy is legal under both customary and Islamic law, and a wife has no legal status to prevent her husband from marrying another woman. Men also may "inherit" the widows of their deceased brothers. The proportion of girls in higher school grades remains low since families traditionally favour boys when making financially related educational decisions.

The marriage of young girls by parental arrangement is common, especially in rural areas. Females of the Sabiny tribe are subjected to the practice of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM).

Maybe someone somewhere expects the proposed new bill to solve these problems.

Being ourselves

2010-05-20T22:08:00.001+01:00

Last night there was an item on the BBC 10:00 o’clock news that saddened me a lot at first. The more I think about it, though, the more it fills me with a sense of anger.

According to the story, the Ugandan government is considering introducing a death sentence for certain types of homosexual activity. Or maybe it will only be life imprisonment.

Of course … I know that the BBC is not always totally impartial. And I admit to having biases myself. So the story that I heard and the way that I interpreted it might not be the way that it actually is.

So … please read this as a comment on an attitude rather than an attack upon Uganda.

It was an update of the kind of information presented here.

The news item last night included extracts from an interview with a church man and scenes from a service that he seemed to be leading. I think it was the reporter John Simpson that said to the church leader that he had seldom experienced such hatred as was evident in the church service.

The badges that people wore expressed a vehement attitude against the act of sodomy.

A biblical perspective on this is given here. It’s not pleasant reading.

There is this whole thing about gay sexuality being “unnatural”.

I used to think that way myself.

These days I realise that people engage in many unnatural activities that some religious zealots are happy enough to engage in. To name a few:

flying
driving around in automobiles

Surely … if God had intended us to do these things we would be born with wings .. or wheels.

But if God had intended us not to do those things .,.. maybe we shouldn’t have brains either?

There was a time in my life when I had this belief that gay relationships must be about sexual depravity.

Amy Ray and Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls) helped me discover that gay and lesbian relationships … just like heterosexual relationships … can be about love.

In that discovery … fell away a whole lot of misconceptions and prejudices.

I know … some people would say that they have been replaced by a whole lot of other misconceptions and prejudices.

My daughter once shared with me that the thing that she finds hardest when talking with some lesbian friends is that way that some seem to think that every girl should be lesbian.

Of course … there seem to be plenty of heterosexual people that think that everyone should be heterosexual.

There are some Catholics that think everyone should be Catholic. Born again evangelicals that think everyone should be a born again evangelical. Muslims that think everyone should be Muslim.

Me … I’d be happy if everyone agreed with me.

Well no … not really. If everyone agreed with me I’d worry about it because I hate the idea of agreeing with everyone!

One day maybe we will learn to accept differences. I’m still learning and I know that I haven’t got there yet.

There is a French saying: Vive la difference! And I can happily say Amen to that.

Tonight, driving back from the office, I listened to a song by Julie Matthews. It’s called Take these Bones … there's some background info on the song here. It’s about the use of Comfort Women by the Japanese during the second World War.

For me it makes me wonder about the way that people have had a propensity to exploit each other.

There are some aspects of masculinity that are not at all nice things.

It’s strange how some people sometimes seem to be very anti twenty-first behaviour such as consensual homosexuality … pornography … prostitution … and yearn for the sublime past … days of legalised child labour … no votes for women … slaves.

I wonder if there is significance in the fact that it was a woman caught in the act of adultery that was brought before Jesus and not a man. It’s hard not to suspect that it’s because it was a society controlled by men that made sure it happened that way.

In a way I’m maybe a feminist … or at least a laissez-faire kind of feminist … and kinda glad that a part of me at least is a girl.

And yet … even more than that … within reason at any rate … I think it’s good to allow people to just be who they are and not force them to be who we want them to be.

Balls, Gowns and Bicycle Tyres

2010-05-17T19:46:00.001+01:00

Slowly but surely Sparkle is approaching.

A few weeks ago Tina and I booked tickets for the ball … along with Laura and Billie.

Ball gowns are optional says the publicity material.

I decided to take a look around anyways. Not necessarily for a ball gown … just a long evening dress.

Last week Sally and I took a look around Windsor but found nothing. We didn’t actually visit all the shops … just the ones that might have something in the “not totally insane” kind of price bracket.

Yesterday we had a wander around Slough.

It involved quite a lot of walking … but eventually we spotted a little something at the Jane Norman section at Debenhams’s.

Here it is:

Not ultra-extravagant, but I do like it.

On getting back home I was co-opted to fix a puncture in a bicycle tyre.

On the good side … it was the front one.

On the bad side … I hate breaking my finger nails.

So I tried wearing gardening gloves.

On the good side … I lost only a little piece of one fingernail.

On the bad side … having got the wheel off, and the inner tube out … gone through the process of filling the bowl of water … pumping up the inner tube … and patiently moving it around in the water looking for bubbles … there were no bubbles. None at all.

Next time someone (aka Sally) says there is a puncture in a bicycle tyre I think I’ll just pump it up and leave it for a day or two before getting out the spanners (that’s wrenches in American, I think … and tyre is loosely translated as tire).

All in all, sorting out the fingernails took longer than sorting out the tyre. But … sorting out the dress took even longer.