On being a Human Book

Today was the day of the Human Library that I mentioned here.

Sally, my wife, was a human book with the title My Genderfluid Marriage. I was a human book with the title My Genderfluid Life.

The day began quite early. My makeup regime has changed over the past few months. I now use exfoliator and primer and apply foundation with a brush rather than fingers. It takes a bit longer but, for me, it works better.

We set off for Windsor at about 10:20. The car park at Victoria Street presented its usual challenged. The Windsor residents Advantage Card was ignored completely by the machine on level 1. A trip to the ground floor resulted in three failures to validate the card before success.

At the church people welcomed us both. Warmly and genuinely. Many are close friends of Sally and some are friends of us both.

We have a safe phrase in case any readers where to become bothersome. But the readers were all fine.

The librarians introduced themselves.

There was a format, but it wasn’t rigid.

As readers arrived they would ask the librarians if they could borrow a book.

The book and the reader then spend about 10 minutes together. The book tells itself to the reader and the readers ask questions. The book then makes itself available to the next reader.

Quite a few of my readers were people that attend Windsor Baptist church. Several of them I know as Andy, but haven’t met as Andrea. Some that I have met as Andrea as well. Two readers were Polish who were studying in England.

There is a sense of freedom in being able to share a personal story with people. It’s a thing of beauty. Very special.

I presented my story as an overview of how I got be be where I am.

It a story of a journey from a place characterised by secrets, fear, guilt and shame to a place of acceptance (both self acceptance and acceptance by others) and openness. A journey of healing.

Pretty much all that I said is written somewhere or other in this blog.

I don’t know how much of a difference the day meant to the readers of the books. You’d have to ask them to find out.

But I do know the difference it has made to me. The smiles. The conversation. The looks of understanding in people’s eyes. The hugs.

And most of all acceptance. Not begrudgingly. Just simple, affirming acceptance. The knowledge that I don’t need to be afraid or ashamed of being the person that I am.

It’s been a few years now since I learned that lesson. But it’s always good to have it reconfirmed.

Salons, Cosmetics and Phobias

Wednesday 21st was a really nice day for me.

Alice, a friend at Surrey Swans, had mentioned Julia Lampard’s hair salon in Guildford to me a while back. Julia had been really helpful to Alice and she emailed me to suggest that we meet up some time to talk about the kind of things that the salon does that might be of use to people that come along to Surrey Swans. So I visited Guildford on Wednesday and met Julia and Mariam at the salon. It was lovely to meet them both, to talk things over and to take a look at the salon. If there’s sufficient interest then Julia is thinking of organising an evening were people from Surrey Swans can come along to the salon for a chat and refreshments and an opportunity to see what’s available. And she and Mariam made it clear that trans people are welcome at the salon.

Amanda, another friend from Surrey Swans, had also mentioned a while back that people working within the cosmetics departments at House of Fraser were keen to be of service to Trans people. So I took the opportunity to call in and say hello. Again, it was really good. They are happy to offer makeup advice and lessons and makeovers without charge. I feel that’s a really positive thing for them to do to help transgender people.

I meet quite a few people who are at the beginning of their own journey of self-acceptance in terms of the gender that they are. And to be able to mention to them places such as Julia Lampard’s and House of Fraser where they can visit in the knowledge that they will be accepted, supported and affirmed is great … it’s a big deal.

On a different note, last year I made some posts about comments and discussions I’d had with people at the Shoebat web site. There’s some background on that here. Over the past several months I’ve made comments on a selection of articles there and been involved in several discussions.

Overall, my feelings about articles on the web site that mention LGBT issues are that the authors suffer from an intense and complex set of phobias that they justify from the way that they interpret what the Bible says. The sad thing is that these articles actually misrepresent LGBT people and, I believe, also misrepresent what the Bible says.

I’ve had some very negative feedback from some people that leave comments on the web site. In the most extreme of these, someone said to me:

Wow you are nothing but a sodomite TRANNY unnatural freak promoter... People like you are why there should be another inquisition... People like you should be executed... You are doing nothing but twisting God's word and I hope some shoots you in the face to stop your evil soon

That didn’t make me feel so good. The person did edit the comment and tone it down a little, and then said:

Ya if you deliberately are twisting God's word then I still do hope someone takes you out... Preferably a sodomite as the irony would be delicious... Keep the email dumbass it's not a threat at all its a simple hope .

And that’s from someone that thinks they are a follower of Jesus.

And yet, someone else said:

You seem to be a caring and decent person. I totally respect that. There is too much hatred in the world today.

So it isn’t all bleak.

Human Library–Windsor 24 March 2018

On Saturday 24th March there is a Human Library in Windsor. The details run something like the following.

I’m participating as one of the human books.

Come along if you can.

Personal Shopping at House of Fraser, Guildford

At the end of August I went along to a Womenswear evening at the House of Fraser store in Guildford as mentioned here.
Amanda had been chatting with Chloe (the Guildford store manager) and had come up with the idea that girls that go along to Surrey Swans might be interested in a Personal Shopping Experience.
September 16th is the date.
Myself, Amanda, Susie, Paula and Chloe (a different Chloe than the Guildford store manager) are the girls.
I collect sizes and clothing preferences from the girls and email them to Chloe (the Guildford store manager). These are passed on to Vida and Julie.
The plan for the afternoon is complimentary prosecco, a few hours of no obligation to buy anything clothing sampling and an hour devoted to makeup and cosmetics.
I arrive at Caffè Nero on the first floor of the store at just before 11:30 am. A trip to the right-next-door washroom later and I see Paula in line for coffee.
We sit and chat.
Amanda arrives.
I send a text to Chloe and Susie.
There is no mobile phone signal.
And then there is.
It’s about noon as we take the escalator to the ladieswear second floor where the personal shopping suite is located.
Chloe is there already.
Julie says hello and introduces us to Vida. Amanda has met them several times before. I’ve met them once before.
Susie arrives.
The suite has been recently refurbished.
A glass of prosecco.
Julie has selected some things for Paula and Chloe.
Vida has done the same for Susie, Amanda and me.
Dresses and skirts and blouses and coats come off and go on. Come off and go on. Come off and go on.
I like the dress. Vida looks and goes to get the smaller size. The smaller does fit better.
As things come off and go on there’s a dress and blouse that I like.
Vida and Julie offer advice without pressure. Assist with zips. Manoeuvre between the shopping suite and the shop floor getting alternatives.
The only really challenging thing is the tendency that a wig has to come off in sympathy with blouses and dresses.
Amanda, Chloe, Susie and Paula make their own selections.
Lauren, from, Clinique arrives with samples.
Susie volunteers.
Eyes and lips with hints and tips and explanations.
No pressure to buy.
Afterwards we chat. The consensus is that whatever we had expected from the day, the actual experience exceeded our expectations.
Heading for the car park, the alarm sounds as I leave the store. My thoughts return to a visit to the washroom at the end of October.
The security man smiles helpfully.
I wiggle my House of Fraser bag of clothes at the sensor. Nothing happens.
I wiggle my handbag. The siren wails.
I smile. I shrug.
He smiles. He shrugs.
I offer him a look into my handbag.
A quick inspection and he wishes me on my way.
My thoughts on the whole experience?
I think it is great that the people at House of Fraser in Guildford are so welcoming, friendly and accepting.
I felt that to them I was a person. A fellow human being.
I didn’t feel that they saw me as a trans person. I was simply a person.
And, for me, that is just exactly how it should be.
The thing … well one of the many things really … that I find so positive is that they made the effort to reach out and make it known that I was welcome just as me. As who I am.
It was clear that I, as a person, am welcome at the store at any time. If I need advice on clothing or on cosmetics then they are ready to help. I don’t need to be embarrassed or shy about it.
I know that I am also a potential customer and that it’s possible to argue that it would make no business sense at all for a store to make me feel uncomfortable. But there are businesses around that don’t see things that way.
So, for me, the afternoon was another step along the way. Each experience like this adds to my own sense of personal acceptance and confidence.
Chloe, Julie, Vida and Lauren have, in their own way, made a positive contribution to the lives of myself, Susie, Paula, Chloe and Amanda. And it’s by making differences to individuals that differences are made to societies.
Small days like this can make a big difference.
Here are a few pictures:

Andrea and Paula:

Susie sampling a dress:

Lauren touching up Susie’s eyes:

Womenswear at House of Fraser

A while ago Amanda, a friend from Surrey Swans, mentioned  that she’d been along to an evening ladies wear event at the House of Fraser store in Guildford. A few weeks ago (Thursday 31 August 2017) I went along to the Womenswear re-launch event at the store. Amanda plus over a hundred other people went along as well.

I heard about this particular event from Chloe, the manager of the House of Fraser store in Guildford.

I’d been given contact details for Chloe by Amanda who’d been chatting with Chloe who had asked if anyone from Surrey Swans might be interested in coming along to the store for a Personal Shopping Experience.

Several emails and telephone calls later Saturday September 16th 2017 between 12:00 noon and 3:00 pm was set aside for myself, Amanda, Paula, Susie and Chloe (not Chloe who is the store manager) to partake in the Experience. I’ll write a bit about that separately.

In a way, the Womenswear re-launch event was a kind of a prequel.

I wasn’t working on the day of the re-launch event, so had decided that it’d be a piece of cake to get to Guildford by 7:30 pm.

As the day approached, I checked the calendar again and noticed that the builders were due to be re-engineering the bathroom during that week.

This realisation released a cat amongst the pigeons.

Tuesday evening planning.

Windsor to Guildford, according to Google, typically takes 50 to 80 minutes.

An optimistic Andrea thinks … to be there by 19:15, she’ll set off by 18:15.

The house will be builder-free before 18:15.

Makeup needs to begin by 16:45.

This could be challenging.

Thursday arrives.

14:15 is nail polishing in the builder-free lounge.

16:15 select skirt, blouse and shoes. Transport these from the wardrobe where they are to the bedroom. Together with hair, boobs, bra and tights. The hallway is unoccupied.

16:40 shaving begins in the en-suite shower room. The door is closed. Occasional bangs from the not-too-distant bathroom.

Moisturiser.

The challenge begins. From round about now a visit from a builder could result in blushes.

Undress.

Panties. Bra. Breasts. Tights.

Foundation.

Powder.

Eye shadow.

Liner.

Mascara.

Blush.

Lipstick.

An unexpected sound.

A turn of the head … the bedroom door quietly closes.

Blushes.

Blouse.

Skirt.

Hair.

The sound of builders leaving.

Jewellery.

Perfume.

Shoes.

Time to go.

The drive to Guildford is uneventful. The car park on Leapale Road has plenty of spaces at 7:20 pm and evening parking costs £1.

A short walk to North Street.

Amanda is at the end of the line of people at the store entrance. We chat as we with just a few minutes.

The escalator takes us up a few floors where a glass of prosecco awaits.

We sip and chat.

Although I had received an information leaflet that described what would be happening, there is a sense in which I have no real idea of what to expect.

Over a hundred people. Almost all are ladies. Just one or two accompanied by men.

Seats lined along the side of the aisles in an L shape. Each with a goodie back of cosmetic samples.

Seats are taken and the fashion show begins.

The clothing is gorgeous.

A few hours to browse the shop, meet people and sample wine and gin.

I meet Chloe, the store manager. And also Veda and Julie who are to be involved in the Personal Shopping Experience.

And other people as well.

We have a look at the personal shopping suite.

I browse and collect ideas for September 16th.

The alarm goes off as I made my way to the ladies washroom. But no one panics.

All too soon it’s 9:30 pm and time to go home.

I loved the evening.

Another step along the way.

It was really a pleasure to meet people who were happy to go out of their way to make trans people welcome.

No one attending the event paid any undue attention at all. A few hello’s. Polite chit-chat.

Just an evening out.

In a way uneventful. Just as it should be.

Yet, in its own way, hugely significant for me.

Pink Punters, Wolves and Friends

Last Saturday (August 5th) a few of us spent an evening (and a morning) at Pink Punters.

Travelling light I pack only 1 pair of shoes, 2 dresses, 1 skirt and 1 shirt. That’s in addition to the dress and shoes that I am already wearing. Together with the makeup and all the other stuff that needs to be taken.

The suitcase is by no means small. But quite a bit smaller than I’ve used in the past. And everything fits inside without having to sit on the top to zip it all up.

Laura arrives in Windsor a little after 5:00 pm and says hello to Sally. Soon we’re on the road  off with TomTom instructed to avoid motorways. The traffic is kind and we’re at the Campanile Hotel soon after 6:30 pm.

A text to Paula and to Susie to say that we’re in room 119 and we’ll be at the bar by about 7:00 pm.

The little card says there is a £100 fine for doing anything that impedes the effectiveness of safety equipment. We check the smoke alarm for condoms.

Laura tries a dress on. Andrea unpacks. Laura tries a skirt on. Andrea unpacks some more. Laura tries a dress on. 7:00 pm seems wildly optimistic.

7:10 pm at the bar. Hello Chloe and hello Sonia.

There is no Shiraz so it’s house red for Laura. And no Sauvignon Blanc so it’s house white for Andrea.

Susie and Paula arrive. Emma arrives.

We sip and chat.

Chloe has a cool new phone cover courtesy of Sonia. It has a picture of a howling wolf … maybe a bit like this:

Andrea learns that one way of receiving a new phone cover is to leave the current one on the roof of your car before setting off on a journey. Of course, the new cover is only any use if the phone isn’t inside it’s current cover when it gets left on the car roof. Or at least at the moment that you drive off.

Susie and I reminisce over Sparkle, giggling over the “please can I have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc” experience.

Talking with Chloe, Sonia, Paula and Susie, thinking about the love that people show, and also the apparent hatred.

19:33 … Andrea sends a text to Lucy:

Hi Lucy, we’re sipping things in the hotel bar, Andrea

Conversation continues.

“Is Lucy coming?”

Andrea nods. I sent her a text.

Andrea checks the address book on her phone. Lucy Surrey Swans.

Does Andrea know an other Lucy at Surrey Swans? Is a different Lucy sitting somewhere wondering who is sitting in which bar sipping what things?

Emma comes to the rescue. The number she has for the Lucy is the same as Andrea’s Lucy Surrey Swans. All is well. Or so we think.

19:57:

Hi Andrea, are you and the others at the bar? 

Lucy.

Lucy has a new number … or at least Andrea has an old one.

19:58:

We are yes, I texted your old number :)

Lucy arrives.

We talk of Indigo Girls in Brighton, along with Lucy Wainwright Roche.

And Bruce Springsteen.

Food and conversation follow.

From left to right it’s: Chloe, Emma, Paula, Sonia, Susie, Laura and Lucy.

The camera-girls arm is just about visible in the mirror at the back of the room.

It’s 21:20 and the plan is to change as need be and meet again at the bar.

Andrea suggests 21:30.

Stares of astonishment.

We compromise on a.s.a.p.

In room 119 Andrea takes off a dress and puts on a dress and a belt. Laura takes off a dress and puts on a skirt and a shirt and a belt.

a.s.a.p. for Andrea and Laura is 22:00. The girls at the bar waited very patiently.

It’s cool outside, but dry. The short walk through the car park and across Watling Street. The bus is noticeable by its absence. When it’s there it looks like this:

Handbags are scrutinised. We part with £7 and ascend the steps. Drinks at the bar.

The evening passes quickly.

Dancing. Sipping. Chatting.

The pink room is still pink, my dress is black.

Another dance. Another drink.

Andrea stands at the bar, and, without a word, the girl serving the drinks places a half of Fosters right there in front of her. Magic!

There’s a cis girl with a tiara. Andrea wonders why. The girl points at a badge. Andrea says “Happy Birthday” to the princess.

The friend of the princess wears a dress and a beard. Andrea smiles thinking Eurovision kind of thoughts.

We chat a while. He prefers to not be called she. Is straight. Is not trans. But likes the dress.

“I have a very firm bum. Have a feel.” he says.

He does indeed have a firm bum.

Two other friends of the girl without a beard drop by. No beards. And bums of an unknown degree of firmness.

They dance.

Andrea chats.

Andrea dances. Alone and with the bearded and non-bearded ladies.

Where is Laura?

1:00 am and it’s time for Chloe and Sonia to head back across Watling Street.

We meet Felicia and Kirsten and chat a while. Kirsten is thinking of offering some kind of a makeover before Pink Punters service.

Laura re-appears having had a worrisome hour or so.

Before we know it, it’s 03:45 and time to wend our way back to the hotel. Punters is still busy. Watling Street is extremely busy.

At room 119 Andrea and Laura compare breast sizes. Detachable boobies are easy to compare. Laura’s puppies are considerably larger.

Makeup, dresses and skirts come off, nightwear goes on.

Alarm is set for 10:00. It’s nor far off 05:00 and time to sleep.

At 09:30 a text beats the alarm.

Shower. Shave. Makeup. A skirt and shirt for Andrea. Pack. Check-out. Drive home.

A lovely night with lovely people/

Trans Rights–Some thoughts on Being and Choosing

I’ve been reading the article entitled “Choose your own gender WITHOUT seeing as doctor: Government to rip up rules on switching sex” in the Mail Online together with some of the comments made by people.

I’m saddened by the way that some people contribute to and make comments on articles like this without really seeming to think about the people that they are talking about.

I believe that for a person to be trans doesn’t make that person a sexual predator. It doesn’t make them a sexual deviant. Doesn’t make them into a person that wants to sneak into toilets and changing rooms to sneak peaks at people. Or go to rape crisis centres or prisons to abuse people.

I haven’t met anyone that identifies as being trans who says “I just woke up one morning and thought I’d like to be a girl” … or “boy”.

I know a lot of people that have faced years and years of struggling with a sense of guilt, shame and denial before reaching a position where they began to accept the fact that they are trans.

At Sparkle this year there were quite a few people wearing T-shirts a bit like this:

The article “Check the Science: Being Trans Is Not a 'Choice'” provides some interesting reading on the subject. It includes these thoughts:

We should know then that to be transgender is not a choice.

It is not a choice when meta-analysis of suicide rates indicates that lifetime prevalence of attempted suicide in transgender individuals is ~40 percent as opposed to ~4 percent in the overall population. It is not the same as deciding whether you will wear a red tie or a green one.

It is a choice for us to educate those who mistakenly believe that allowing transgender people to use bathrooms appropriate for their identity endangers women and children. Such people either do not know transgender people or, more likely, know them but do not know they are transgender.

And those that believe that real sexual predators will be dissuaded by a sign on a bathroom door are truly lost.

It is a choice for those of us who study the complexities of biology and the human brain to inform those who are not neuroscientists so that they can understand why it is not “a choice” for transgender people; it is who they are.

And there is this comment:

Scott T. Parkhurst · Santa Rosa Junior College
Look, all I know is that transgender people are just humane beings who want to be left alone and be treated with respect just like everyone else....because they are everyone else.

And as far as using the restroom...for Gods sake, they...us, we, just want to go in and use it and hopefully wash your hands and then walk out and go about with your day!

They do not choose to be male or female because they are born male or female in their brain and not what is between their damn legs. They are trapped and they are in a lot of pain and suffer in silence and a lot of them do kill themselves and I can promise you the rate is VERY high.

A lot of you have sat and worked and talked to some and never knew it. They are the gender that they feel they are in their brain and soul. There's no questioning it.

Their not going/saying "Oh, I think I'll be a women or guy today so I it will be fun to dress up"...which I have a few folks write and think that's what transgender people do and or think.

…

Never in my law enforcement career have I ever had problems nor arrested a transgender person in a restroom for being inappropriate either.

But I sure did arrest mostly middle age white men who were doing nasty crap in there! And they were from all walks of life too....

So don't be so quick to judge each other if you haven't walked in ones shoes....Just my up close and on the job 2 cents. Thank you.

There are people around who are predators, molesters and abusers.

But is it right to allow such people to set the standard by which genuinely trans people are to be treated?

Is it right to make innocent people suffer because bad people exist?

The article in the Mail Online says: “Reforms to help transgender people choose their legal sex, which include speeding up the bureaucratic process, will go out to consultation in the autumn.“

Which means that at the moment nothing has changed.

It’s simply the beginning of a conversation and of a process.

And yes, of course there are and will be challenges to face and obstacles to overcome.

But please, let’s not write the whole thing off before it’s even started.