There are movies that make me cry. And this is one of them. I think it’s because it seemed to be imaginable and believable. And sad. There is a scene where people are singing “Silent Night” ... a Christmas carol of hope. And yet, there is no hope. Or is there? I found the relationships portrayed between daughter and mother and father had aspects of déjà vu about them. Not in a bad sense. It just meant that I could sense, a little, where people were coming from. Perhaps that’s something we all grow into as we grow older.
Once upon a time life seemed to be more black and white, true and false than it does to me now. In some ways it’s uncomfortable to increasingly feel that there are more and more questions and fewer and fewer answers. But I am realising that I don’t need to know what all the answers are.
A few weeks ago I discovered Simone White. She sings a song that is featured in an Audi advertisement on TV. A little hunting for lyrics courtesy of Google led me to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aB36GAPcfvc She has a lovely voice. I haven’t bought an Audi, but I did buy the CD. As well as her voice, I like the music and the lyrics. Her songs make me smile and also make me stop and think. These words are from the song “Great Imperialist State”:
There's a farmer in a distant country working on the land
A hat upon his head and a shovel in his hand
Till the soil plant the seed wait a while cut the leaf
And send another cup of tea to me
I'm a spoiled child of the great imperialist state
I cannot kill my meat nor grow the food upon my plate
I never walked a mile to the well, when the tap runs dry do tell
What will become of you and me
What will become of us, who will give us trust
Will you believe me when I say I never loved profiting from your pain
That I felt shame when I looked the other way
If you’re interested there’s more at http://www.myspace.com/simonewhite.
On a less serious kind of note Saturday is earmarked as Andreas first day out shopping. So if you’re in Windsor keep an eye open for me. I asked Bille about a trip out quite a few weeks ago ... Billie has a lot more experience at shopping whilst wearing a wig and dress and makeup ... We decided March 1st 2008 was good for both of us. So there we are.
Last week I was beginning to have second thoughts. And third thoughts as well, actually. Chatting with a few girls at “Surrey Swans” last night helped reassure me a little. Thank you! Sitting here writing about it isn’t so bad. But I expect that come Saturday I’ll be feeling rather more nervous about the prospect. In fact ... thinking about thinking about it is making me nervous.
I think the nervousness isn’t unusual for girls like me. Most of it, I think, is associated with how people will react. It’s not so much about “will anyone notice I’m not an RG?” If they look or if I speak then they will notice. But, I am assured that most people don’t look. Let me know if you have any hints and tips on all of this ... I’d be very appreciative!
At times I stop and ask myself “why do I want to do this?” And really, I don’t know. No more than I really know why wearing a skirt once in a while makes such a difference to me.
In a way I think it’s that I want the part of me that is Andrea to be less closeted and confined.
Whatever the reasons are ... I think that the approach of Saturday will be full of nervousness and, I guess, fear. But I’m hopeful that the experience will be more than worth the nerves. Just so long as I don’t resort to biting my fingernails!
In a way I think it’s that I want the part of me that is Andrea to be less closeted and confined.
Whatever the reasons are ... I think that the approach of Saturday will be full of nervousness and, I guess, fear. But I’m hopeful that the experience will be more than worth the nerves. Just so long as I don’t resort to biting my fingernails!
