On being a Human Book

Today was the day of the Human Library that I mentioned here.

Sally, my wife, was a human book with the title My Genderfluid Marriage. I was a human book with the title My Genderfluid Life.

The day began quite early. My makeup regime has changed over the past few months. I now use exfoliator and primer and apply foundation with a brush rather than fingers. It takes a bit longer but, for me, it works better.

We set off for Windsor at about 10:20. The car park at Victoria Street presented its usual challenged. The Windsor residents Advantage Card was ignored completely by the machine on level 1. A trip to the ground floor resulted in three failures to validate the card before success.

At the church people welcomed us both. Warmly and genuinely. Many are close friends of Sally and some are friends of us both.

We have a safe phrase in case any readers where to become bothersome. But the readers were all fine.

The librarians introduced themselves.

There was a format, but it wasn’t rigid.

As readers arrived they would ask the librarians if they could borrow a book.

The book and the reader then spend about 10 minutes together. The book tells itself to the reader and the readers ask questions. The book then makes itself available to the next reader.

Quite a few of my readers were people that attend Windsor Baptist church. Several of them I know as Andy, but haven’t met as Andrea. Some that I have met as Andrea as well. Two readers were Polish who were studying in England.

There is a sense of freedom in being able to share a personal story with people. It’s a thing of beauty. Very special.

I presented my story as an overview of how I got be be where I am.

It a story of a journey from a place characterised by secrets, fear, guilt and shame to a place of acceptance (both self acceptance and acceptance by others) and openness. A journey of healing.

Pretty much all that I said is written somewhere or other in this blog.

I don’t know how much of a difference the day meant to the readers of the books. You’d have to ask them to find out.

But I do know the difference it has made to me. The smiles. The conversation. The looks of understanding in people’s eyes. The hugs.

And most of all acceptance. Not begrudgingly. Just simple, affirming acceptance. The knowledge that I don’t need to be afraid or ashamed of being the person that I am.

It’s been a few years now since I learned that lesson. But it’s always good to have it reconfirmed.

Personal Shopping at House of Fraser, Guildford

At the end of August I went along to a Womenswear evening at the House of Fraser store in Guildford as mentioned here.
Amanda had been chatting with Chloe (the Guildford store manager) and had come up with the idea that girls that go along to Surrey Swans might be interested in a Personal Shopping Experience.
September 16th is the date.
Myself, Amanda, Susie, Paula and Chloe (a different Chloe than the Guildford store manager) are the girls.
I collect sizes and clothing preferences from the girls and email them to Chloe (the Guildford store manager). These are passed on to Vida and Julie.
The plan for the afternoon is complimentary prosecco, a few hours of no obligation to buy anything clothing sampling and an hour devoted to makeup and cosmetics.
I arrive at Caffè Nero on the first floor of the store at just before 11:30 am. A trip to the right-next-door washroom later and I see Paula in line for coffee.
We sit and chat.
Amanda arrives.
I send a text to Chloe and Susie.
There is no mobile phone signal.
And then there is.
It’s about noon as we take the escalator to the ladieswear second floor where the personal shopping suite is located.
Chloe is there already.
Julie says hello and introduces us to Vida. Amanda has met them several times before. I’ve met them once before.
Susie arrives.
The suite has been recently refurbished.
A glass of prosecco.
Julie has selected some things for Paula and Chloe.
Vida has done the same for Susie, Amanda and me.
Dresses and skirts and blouses and coats come off and go on. Come off and go on. Come off and go on.
I like the dress. Vida looks and goes to get the smaller size. The smaller does fit better.
As things come off and go on there’s a dress and blouse that I like.
Vida and Julie offer advice without pressure. Assist with zips. Manoeuvre between the shopping suite and the shop floor getting alternatives.
The only really challenging thing is the tendency that a wig has to come off in sympathy with blouses and dresses.
Amanda, Chloe, Susie and Paula make their own selections.
Lauren, from, Clinique arrives with samples.
Susie volunteers.
Eyes and lips with hints and tips and explanations.
No pressure to buy.
Afterwards we chat. The consensus is that whatever we had expected from the day, the actual experience exceeded our expectations.
Heading for the car park, the alarm sounds as I leave the store. My thoughts return to a visit to the washroom at the end of October.
The security man smiles helpfully.
I wiggle my House of Fraser bag of clothes at the sensor. Nothing happens.
I wiggle my handbag. The siren wails.
I smile. I shrug.
He smiles. He shrugs.
I offer him a look into my handbag.
A quick inspection and he wishes me on my way.
My thoughts on the whole experience?
I think it is great that the people at House of Fraser in Guildford are so welcoming, friendly and accepting.
I felt that to them I was a person. A fellow human being.
I didn’t feel that they saw me as a trans person. I was simply a person.
And, for me, that is just exactly how it should be.
The thing … well one of the many things really … that I find so positive is that they made the effort to reach out and make it known that I was welcome just as me. As who I am.
It was clear that I, as a person, am welcome at the store at any time. If I need advice on clothing or on cosmetics then they are ready to help. I don’t need to be embarrassed or shy about it.
I know that I am also a potential customer and that it’s possible to argue that it would make no business sense at all for a store to make me feel uncomfortable. But there are businesses around that don’t see things that way.
So, for me, the afternoon was another step along the way. Each experience like this adds to my own sense of personal acceptance and confidence.
Chloe, Julie, Vida and Lauren have, in their own way, made a positive contribution to the lives of myself, Susie, Paula, Chloe and Amanda. And it’s by making differences to individuals that differences are made to societies.
Small days like this can make a big difference.
Here are a few pictures:

Andrea and Paula:

Susie sampling a dress:

Lauren touching up Susie’s eyes:

Womenswear at House of Fraser

A while ago Amanda, a friend from Surrey Swans, mentioned  that she’d been along to an evening ladies wear event at the House of Fraser store in Guildford. A few weeks ago (Thursday 31 August 2017) I went along to the Womenswear re-launch event at the store. Amanda plus over a hundred other people went along as well.

I heard about this particular event from Chloe, the manager of the House of Fraser store in Guildford.

I’d been given contact details for Chloe by Amanda who’d been chatting with Chloe who had asked if anyone from Surrey Swans might be interested in coming along to the store for a Personal Shopping Experience.

Several emails and telephone calls later Saturday September 16th 2017 between 12:00 noon and 3:00 pm was set aside for myself, Amanda, Paula, Susie and Chloe (not Chloe who is the store manager) to partake in the Experience. I’ll write a bit about that separately.

In a way, the Womenswear re-launch event was a kind of a prequel.

I wasn’t working on the day of the re-launch event, so had decided that it’d be a piece of cake to get to Guildford by 7:30 pm.

As the day approached, I checked the calendar again and noticed that the builders were due to be re-engineering the bathroom during that week.

This realisation released a cat amongst the pigeons.

Tuesday evening planning.

Windsor to Guildford, according to Google, typically takes 50 to 80 minutes.

An optimistic Andrea thinks … to be there by 19:15, she’ll set off by 18:15.

The house will be builder-free before 18:15.

Makeup needs to begin by 16:45.

This could be challenging.

Thursday arrives.

14:15 is nail polishing in the builder-free lounge.

16:15 select skirt, blouse and shoes. Transport these from the wardrobe where they are to the bedroom. Together with hair, boobs, bra and tights. The hallway is unoccupied.

16:40 shaving begins in the en-suite shower room. The door is closed. Occasional bangs from the not-too-distant bathroom.

Moisturiser.

The challenge begins. From round about now a visit from a builder could result in blushes.

Undress.

Panties. Bra. Breasts. Tights.

Foundation.

Powder.

Eye shadow.

Liner.

Mascara.

Blush.

Lipstick.

An unexpected sound.

A turn of the head … the bedroom door quietly closes.

Blushes.

Blouse.

Skirt.

Hair.

The sound of builders leaving.

Jewellery.

Perfume.

Shoes.

Time to go.

The drive to Guildford is uneventful. The car park on Leapale Road has plenty of spaces at 7:20 pm and evening parking costs £1.

A short walk to North Street.

Amanda is at the end of the line of people at the store entrance. We chat as we with just a few minutes.

The escalator takes us up a few floors where a glass of prosecco awaits.

We sip and chat.

Although I had received an information leaflet that described what would be happening, there is a sense in which I have no real idea of what to expect.

Over a hundred people. Almost all are ladies. Just one or two accompanied by men.

Seats lined along the side of the aisles in an L shape. Each with a goodie back of cosmetic samples.

Seats are taken and the fashion show begins.

The clothing is gorgeous.

A few hours to browse the shop, meet people and sample wine and gin.

I meet Chloe, the store manager. And also Veda and Julie who are to be involved in the Personal Shopping Experience.

And other people as well.

We have a look at the personal shopping suite.

I browse and collect ideas for September 16th.

The alarm goes off as I made my way to the ladies washroom. But no one panics.

All too soon it’s 9:30 pm and time to go home.

I loved the evening.

Another step along the way.

It was really a pleasure to meet people who were happy to go out of their way to make trans people welcome.

No one attending the event paid any undue attention at all. A few hello’s. Polite chit-chat.

Just an evening out.

In a way uneventful. Just as it should be.

Yet, in its own way, hugely significant for me.

Quiz nights and Café Rouge

A few weeks ago Linda, Chloe and Chelle who come along to Surrey Swans went along to a quiz night organised by people at St. Mary's Church Ash Vale. They had a great time and were made to feel really welcome by people there. I had hoped to go, but wasn’t able to. Not so long ago Chloe, Rosemary and myself went along to a barn dance organised by the church.

I’ve often-times mentioned my own mixed-up views on religion and, more specifically, Christianity. But I have been greatly encouraged by the openness and acceptance shown by people in the Ash Vale area.

Last week I spent a lovely evening with Tina and Julia at Café Rouge in Windsor. There weren’t many other diners, but the food was excellent as was the service.  And here we are, Julia, Andrea and Tina:

Harrogate again with Tina and Malcolm teaches Tina some Geordie

I select the same suitcase that I used for a 16 day holiday. It’s just about big enough for a weekend away as Andrea.

Shoes, makeup, wigs, boobs all take up space.

Tina arrives at about 9:45 on Friday morning and we set off at about 10.

The traffic starts off ok. Gets worse. Even worse. Then better.

We pass a few of Eddie’s girls.

Take a detour round about Doncaster.

Pull into the hotel at about 3:20 pm.

A chat with Kay, who organises the weekend followed by check-in and selection of seats for the gala dinner.

The room is large with a nice big bathroom. Nice big mirror.

However.

It is hot.

Very hot.

The sun shines directly into the room.

No air conditioning.

Local legislation forbids messing around with the safety catches on the windows.

After a shower, shaving takes a while.

Foundation takes a whole lot longer.

I guess that most guys have never tried applying foundation cream in a hot hotel room. Whilst perspiring.

However, weather you’ve tried it or not, you’d maybe guess that foundation and perspiration don’t get along so well at all.

Starting on the right, I pat it onto my chin.

Round my mouth.

Nostrils.

Nose.

Eye.

Cheek.

Drip.

The perspiration doesn’t make a sound, really. But it’s there.

On my forehead.

Running down my face occasionally.

In the mirror it isn’t looking too good.

Perseverance isn’t always the better part of valour.

There is a time to retreat and regroup.

I’m going to have to start again.

At which point I discover that my makeup remover is in Windsor, whilst I am in Harrogate.

Tina to the rescue!

The foundation comes off and Andrea starts all over again.

As time passes I learn new things.

The foundation is more robust than I thought.

This time I do the lower half of my face.

Apply the powder.

Brush off the excess.

As the perspiration drips I can dab it off without totally destroying what’s there.

I get into the habit of using tissue to dab away the moisture as I continue with my face.

Eventually it’s done.

Not at all perfect. But I guess that it never is. Even more imperfect than usual.

Unwisely I use two shades of eye shadow as well as  eye liner and mascara.

Rouge.

Lipstick and gloss.

By the time I’m dressed complete with hair I feel as though I am melting.

Time for dinner.

We head for the bar and find seats near an open window in the restaurant.

Slowly it starts to feel cooler.

We chat with Sarah and her partner from Stirling.

Coffee in the lounge.

Andrea:

Tina:

We chat with Jean in the bar.

Saturday we have breakfast.

Makeup is much easier.

We look at a few of the things being exhibited in the hotel reception area. Wigs, jewellery and clothing.

A friendly guy from M&Co has a chat with us.

My ankle is sprained from walking on a stony beach on holiday.

Rephrasing that.

My ankle is sprained from falling over on a stony beach on holiday.

We drive into Harrogate and park the car.

At Debenhams we take the elevator to the first floor and admire the handbags. And dresses. And skirts. And blouses. Pretty much everything.

Nothing especially takes our fancy.

We wander around in the summer sunshine.

Superdrug provides me with makeup remover.

We have a drink at Wetherspoons.

A sit down and chat in the shade.

 

And a stand up in the shade.

And a walk back to the car park.

Back at the hotel, Tina buys me a birthday Pimm’s.

And it’s time to prepare for the gala dinner.

It’s very hot.

But not so hot as Friday.

The food is great.

The karaoke is amazing.

I’m not planning to dance.

But I can’t resist.

Flats replace highs and we boogie. Ankle holds up well.

The dancing ends and we retire to the bar.

There are a group of golfers from the Newcastle-upon-Tyne area staying at the hotel.

As we sit chatting we’re joined by one of them.

He’s intrigued.

Never seen anything like it.

A hotel half full of of guys who are girls … or girls who are guys?

He has lots of questions.

Tina slowly learns to understand Geordie.

Why?

How often?

Where?

Gents or Ladies washroom?

Who else knows?

How do they react?

How does it feel?

His name is Malcolm.

What does Tina’s lass think of it all?

And my lass?

Children.

Family.

Friends.

Times like this seem important to me.

The whole weekend.

The opportunity to communicate.

To demystify.

To de-stereotype.

Building bridges of understanding and acceptance.

Thanks again, Kay, for putting it all together!

There’s also an account of last years trip to Harrogate here.

Radio Interviews and Being Accepted as a Person even when you are a transvestite

The BBC Radio Berkshire interview happened on Friday March 2nd.

If you’d like to listen in, there was a little over 19 minutes of talking, so I had to split it into two pieces for YouTube which has a maximum item length of 15 minutes.

So … part 1 is here:

Part 1

And part 2 is here:

Part 2

 

The pictures aren’t of the actual day. The one of Bill Buckley came from his website. The one of me was taken in Windsor a while ago. I was actually wearing the same blouse and cardigan at the interview.

I took a day of annual leave from work. And it went something like this.

It’s 9:00 am and Sally wakes me. Toot brushing. Shower. Coffee and cereal. Shave. Moisturise. Makeup. Dress.

10:50 and Andrea is set to go.

A little nervous.

The car radio is tuned in to BBC Radio Berkshire.

Somehow the listening makes me more nervous. Everyone sounds clear. Uncomplicated. Easy to understand. Gulp.

I’ve been in the car just two minutes.

The lady on my Sat Nav says “Turn right”.

But I drive straight on.

Silently she re-routes.

I’m more nervous than I think.

I decide to turn around when possible and the engine stalls.

I must be even more nervous than I think.

I change my mind about turning round and follow the re-routed route.

On the Radio Bill interviews a local lady who has brought in some Goat’s fudge (fudge made from Goats milk) that her goats produce.

A recorded piece from Anne Diamond about a lock that would shoot you if you tried to use the wrong key to open it.

Travel news. Weather.

It’s a little foggy. But not bad enough to affect traffic.

Tom Tom is programmed to avoid motorways so it’s a short route and takes me through Twyford and Sonning on my way to the studio at Caversham.

11:30 and I’m outside Caversham Park, where it all happens.

A little on the early side, so I drive past and re-program the Sat Nav to take me towards the pub that I’m to meet up with Tina at once the interview is over.

Enough traffic to make me turn back before reaching there.

11:38 back at the BBC.

The security barriers are impressive.

I press the intercom button.

“Hi. It’s Andrea Wright … the Anne Diamond show.”

I have quite a deep voice for an Andrea, But they are expecting me.

The barrier descends into the road and the green light flashes.

I drive towards the car park and pull into a space.

On the whole, I feel nervous but relaxed.

I#m not sure what the questions will be nor what angle things will be approached from. But the people that I’ve spoken with on the phone have been really helpful and positive. So although nervous, I’m not feeling worried.

It’s a short walk from the car park to reception.

It’s strange the things that go through my mind.

How is my deportment? Am I walking in a lady-like fashion?

At reception I introduce myself. Sign the visitors book. Receive my security pass. The ladies at reception are totally un-phased. They make a phone call to say that I’m here.

I take a seat beneath the large TV screen that quietly plays the BBC News service.

Across the way there two guys sit and talk with each other.

And then, someone arrives to collect the three of us.

We’re escorted towards the studio.

Gareth Owen, a movie producer and BAFTA judge from Pinewood studios heads for the studio … I’m due next at midday.

I visit the ladies.

Back in the room beside the studio I’m offered a coffee.

I chat with Andrew, who’s waiting for Gareth, and, I think Marie, who works at the radio station.

Andrew tells a little of his experiences as a contestant on The Weakest Link.

It’s getting close to noon.

Gareth arrives back.

I psyche myself up.

A siren kind of noise begins to sound.

It’s a fire alarm.

We have to evacuate.

Oh my gosh!

I follow people outside.

There’s Marie (I think … but I didn’t catch her name at the beginning) with Bill and she introduces me.

I’m wondering if the interview will ever happen and am glad that it’;s not raining and that the cardigan I’m wearing is nice and warm.

Bill offers goats fudge sweets all round. Coffee flavoured and very nice.

In an odd kind of way the surprise of the fire alarm going off is a bit of a tension reliever. And it’s really nice to have a chance to say hello outside of the studio atmosphere.

The radio listeners are presently listening to music.

Surprisingly soon the alarm stops and the all clear is given. We head back inside and I’m escorted straight to the studio.

Bright Eyes (Art Garfunkel) is playing.

I take a seat opposite Bill, behind a microphone that has a green covering.

The music ends.

The interview begins.

And how do I feel about the whole experience now?

Very positive. The people were all great. Bill Buckley is a lovely guy. The questions were put together in a way that provided an opportunity to say a little about how I got to be where I am.

Of course … after the event … with some time to think … there are lots of observations:

• wow … I said kind of and I guess wayyyyy too many times
• there are so many things that I didn’t say that I would have liked to have said … other people that have made such a big and positive difference to me over the past few years on the journey that I’ve made to self acceptance … people like Fiona Floyd, Billie and Kathie, the group that meet for TV Dinners, the Surrey Swans and friends that include Laura, Tina, Emma, Nikki and many more. Places like Pink Punters and Cafe Rouge.

I missed out a whole lot more than I said … but 20 minutes is a short time.

I’m glad of the experience and really grateful to Catherine Bolsover at BBC Radio Berkshire who first contacted Billie and Kathie about the possibility of doing this interview and followed it all up and organised it.

Towards the end of the  interview, Bill asked:

What’s your ultimate aim both for you and for transvestite people generally? Do you have any kind of dreams or hopes particularly?

My response was:

I think, I find it very satisfying and comforting just to be able to kind of walk out in normal places like town centres and things and for people just not to take any notice really. Just to be treated as a human being.

Bill: You just want to be accepted.

Andrea: Yes, exactly.

And I think that captures the essence.

And as Bill said:

Well we’ve come a long way when you think how life would have been either for me as a gay man, or you as a TV, even 20 years ago. Certainly 50 0r 100 years ago. My goodness. Hooray for that.

And yes, things are changing.

And hopefully just little things, this interview will help in that.

Software, Sparkle, She and St Trinians

The long slog at work is, I hope, drawing to an end. Version 9.0.309 should hit the streets tomorrow. One cycle ends and another begins. The beginning of software development cycles is always less stressful than the end. So working hours should get to be a lot less extended than they have been for the past few months.

The forthcoming weekend is a busy but, hopefully, very nice one.
I have Friday off work to drive up to Manchester for a long weekend. The last weekend of June is different than most other weekends. It’s time for Sparkle ... you can read all about it here http://www.sparkle.org.uk/.

I haven’t been to “Sparkle” before, but have it all organised for this weekend – in a fairly disorganised kind of way.

I am looking forwards to it a lot. Though there have been the usual feelings of ... why? Is it worth the effort? What is this cross dressing thing all about?

Billie, Laura and Didi are all going. Fiona Floyd and people from Portsmouth will be there. Nikki and Tracey will be there. Lots and lots and lots of tgirls will be there. Perhaps more guys with skirts and makeup on gathered in one place than ever before!

I’m not sure what exactly I’ll do when I’m there. Nor am I sure how I’ll cope with having makeup on for so many hours in a day. I am, though, expecting to enjoy the experience a lot. I even get a chance to spend some time with my daughter who is a student in Manchester at the moment still.

Tomorrow night will be busy as well. What do I take? How many pairs of shoes do I really need? How many skirts and dresses that are less than 4 or 5 inches above my knee do I need. It’s nice to have a few days where these kinds of question will be the ones that are at the forefront of my mind. I know that the world is full of much more important questions. But it’s good to be able to set aside a little time to issues that are a little more frivolous.

I had an email from tgirl a friend named Tina today. Tina’s wife is finding it hard to get to terms with the concept of Tina.

I often don’t appreciate my own wife enough. The whole concept of Andrea was hard for her initially. And I do take her and the way that she has accepted this different side of me for granted sometimes. More often than sometimes. Deep down, though, I am thankful to her. The children ... who are both now young adults ... have handled the whole thing in a way that could not have been better. They seem to be ok to buy Father’s days gifts that look a bit more like Mother’s day gifts. The acceptance of me as me in this way means more than is easy to put into words.

I do hope that things work out for Tina and her wife. I still find the use of the wo0rds “him” and “her” confusing when it comes to tgirls.

There is an Indigo Girls song that I like a lot ... and the words are ...

Guess I wasn’t the best one to ask
Me myself with my face pressed
Up against loves glass
To see the shiny toy I’ve been hoping for
The one I never could afford
The wide world spins and spits turmoil
And the nations toil for peace
But the paws of fear upon your chest
Only love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers
No match for the predators of pain inside her

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they’re true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there’s now one there will be two

I was born under the sign of cancer
(love will come to you)
Like brushing cloth I smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(love will come)
I’m always closing my eyes and wishing I’m fine
(I close my eyes and wish you fine)
Even though I know I’m not this time
(even though I know you’re not this time)

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they’re true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there’s now one there will be two

Dodging your memories a field of knives
Always on the outside looking in on others lives

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they’re true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
(I have offered up to you)
Where there’s now one there will be two

And I wish her insight to battle loves blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scattered
Learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters

I love the words. The feelings.

Whenever I have heard these lines being sung:

But the paws of fear upon your chest
Only love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers
No match for the predators of pain inside her.

I’ve thought of “me” as being “her”. A part of me is “she”.

I’m hoping to take enough pictures to catch the mood of Sparkle.

Sunday night is a St Trinian’s evening at the Surrey Swan. My Anne Summers school uniform will maybe get another outing.

Coming out

Time passes surprisingly quickly at times ... it seems like no time since I last posted an entry here ... and yet ... it is ages ago.

The weddings in July were nice things to be involved in ... although we actually missed one of them - the M25 was almost stationery for a long time!

The BBQ with the Surrey Swans was great. It was the first time I've walked out of my own front door in broad daylight whilst wearing a skirt. Of course, no one noticed. Or at least if they did no one is saying anything. It was really great to meet a few new people. One of the t-girls was there with his (her) wife. It was good to get a chance to compare life stories. The food was great as well.

A little after that my wife and I were invited round to B & K's. B is a t-girl and K is his (her ... these "he" and "she" kind of labels are a little complex in a transvestite kind of world) wife. They'd invited us round so that my wife would have a chance to meet a couple of people in similar circumstances to ourselves in a place that wasn't totally overrun with guys dressed as girls.

When we first arranged it my wife had been happy with the idea of B and myself being "dressed". However, over breakfast that morning my wife was beginning to have misgivings and asked if we could just dress as guys ... or at least wear trousers. So that's how it happened ... B wore makeup and girlie jeans and sweater ... I was just the masculine looking me.

During the day leading up to the evening I felt a huge sense of disappointment mixed with, I guess, a kind of anger or frustration ... or something. I think it was because I'd been looking forwards so much to the first shared t-girl thing with my wife. And all of a sudden it wasn't going to happen.

The evening was good though. My wife ... and myself as well ... had a chance to find out how other people handle things.

One thing that kind of surprised me ... but that I think may be a common occurrence - is both K and my wife said that one of the strong emotions that they felt on discovering / being told about their partners transvestism was a sense of anger. I'd be interested in hearing from any of you guys and girls out in the big wide world if you've experienced the same feelings or known others that have.

I think that the feelings of anger had roots in not being told earlier, not being trusted earlier and of being lied to or deceived or mislead.

In a way I know that there isn't any water-tight kind of excuse for keeping something like that a secret. And yet ... I've heard that not so long ago in England a guy seen wearing a skirt in public was likely to be arrested (though I think that a tartan skirt would have been maybe OK in England as well as in Scotland). And also, it's not an easy thing for a guy to go public with. And also it's not easy at all for a born again Christian guy to go public with. At the same time it's not that easy for a born again Christian guy to live in denial of.

All I can say with any certainty is that I'm glad that it's not a secret any more and that I don't have to live in fear of discovery. Being Andrea is an OK thing to be. It's made an enormous difference to me and to the relationship that I have with my wife. She has really handled the whole thing remarkably!

I'm glad that in the end I have been able to come out.

Stepping out a little further

Yesterday was another special day in the life of Andrea. I managed to contact a group of transvestites that meet each month not too far from home. It seems that there are quite a few things that happen not too far away.

Anyway, I emailed B who kind of organises some monthly meetings at a pub. (S)he also produces a monthly "whats on in the area" newsletter and she and her partner organise a monthly get together at their home.

It just so happened that having emailed my queries to B over the weekend I discovered that the next home get together was due for Tuesday 10 July 2007.

It meant that I needed some new shoes ... ones with smaller heels. This also proved to be an irresistible opportunity to buy other things ... I'm gradually becoming a shopaholic.

So ... I organised leaving work a little early yesterday ... and took a small case full of clothes and makeup. Not quite sure what to expect.

They say that "the devil is in the detail" ... but sometimes it seems there are angels in there as well.

Over and over I am discovering that the transgendered community that I'm getting to know are the sweetest and friendliest that I have ever met. I guess it's possible to come up with a multitude of theories and reasons as to why this might be. But really, at the moment, the reality of the friendliness matters a lot more to me than the causes of it.

It was the first time that a self-made-up Andrea had been seen outside of home. That in itself is a special thing to me.

B and his/her wife said that they'd really love to invite myself and my wife over for a meal sometime. Just to provide my wife with a chance to get to know people in similar circumstances without being faced by a whole group of trannies.

And my wife is OK with the idea as well. That means a lot to me. It's not easy to put into words. I think it's in knowing that the Andrea in me doesn't have to be marginalised. That my wife is OK with being a part of the Andrea in me.

I chatted with B and his wife a while last night. mentioning the way that my own wife has said how less stressed and irritable I have been since I "came out". This isn't such an unusual thing. B's wife said something along the lines of ... well ... in a way when you are dressed you are different.

I've been thinking about that today. And yes, there is an element of truth in it. When I am dressed I don't even vaguely think about the hassles of the work day. It's a way of shedding burdens. Kind of therapeutic I guess. So, as well as being an opportunity to express an inner part of me that I've kept hidden for so many years ... it's also a way of letting go of some of the not-so-nice parts of the day.

B also said that if I'd like to go out for a meal or a drink with her, or shopping ... then she'd be happy to do that. I'm really looking forwards to taking her up on that.

At the meal last night there were quite a few girls that needed to change before setting off back home ... wash off the makeup .. remove the nail varnish ... become drab (dressed as a bloke) again. Mostly this was because of wives / partners that didn't know, or children being home.

I'd decided that I would drive home as Andrea. That was such a relaxed experience. Not having to worry about hiding myself before I got home.

As time passes I'm becoming less and less concerned about people discovering that Andrea exists.

I don't want to upset people ... but also I need to be able to be myself.

Ultimately if people decide that they cannot live with the concept of Andrea ... then really it means that they cannot live with the concept of me. Handling this might be seriously difficult at times ... but I know that pretending that Andrea doesn't exist is even more seriously difficult.