Showing posts with label phobias. Show all posts
Showing posts with label phobias. Show all posts

Sunday, 16 July 2017

Being Different–Love and Murder

A few days ago I watched “Murdered for Being Different”.

It’s a “real life drama” that tells about the love between Sophie Lancaster and Robert Maltby. It also tells about the murder of Sophie, and the equally brutal attack on Robert that left him almost dead.

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A significant motivating factor in the attack and murder was the fact that Sophie and Robert, as goths,  were seen to be different.

There’s an article in Cosmopolitan here that talks about the people and what happened. And a review of the drama by Julia Raeside in The Guardian here. As she says, "It’s not a programme you’ll love, but it will stay with you long after the credits have rolled."

At the end I was left wondering. How can people do that? What makes them that way?

And it has stayed with me.

Julia Raeside mentions this moment:

When they are chased by another gang of youths, Rob wants to hide. “Hiding means the idiots win,” she tells him, grinning and inviting him to the pub.

Simon Usborne wrote an article based on an interview with Robert Maltby that was published in the The Guardian here. A few extracts from this:

 “My initial memory was seeing the coffin and thinking, that’s too small,” he says. “Her entire life shouldn’t have fitted into that small box. That’s when I began to crumble. And I’ll be honest, I was resentful of the fact so many people were there. They had the best intentions, but I was thinking: ‘Did you ever eat a meal with her? Did you know how she took her coffee? You just saw this archetype on the news. You didn’t know her.’”

But for Maltby, struggling alone in Bacup, the “goth murder” narrative widened the gap between his and the public understanding of what had happened, and who Lancaster was. “I have never seen it as a hate crime,” he says. “It was always like: ‘Sophie Lancaster was killed because she was a goth.’ No she wasn’t: she was killed because some arseholes killed her. Why can’t we ask what it is about them that made them want to murder someone? Not what it is about someone that made them be murdered.”

To Maltby, the media focus on their appearance in the aftermath of the crime felt like a form of victim-blaming. “Besides being patronising, the goth thing was also an oversimplification of a much broader social issue,” he explains. “Life hasn’t progressed in these poor areas. There is still that dissatisfaction, that stagnation. These areas are still forgotten, and forgotten people will feel like … well, it can breed nihilism. I’ve never tried to demonise the attackers and, in many ways, they were victims.”

After the funeral precipitated a steep decline in his mental health, he became a recluse. On receiving proper treatment, eventually he felt ready to return to the park, and then to visit Lancaster’s grave in a nearby village. “I said: ‘I’m sorry, I have to find my life again’,” he says. “If anything, it was a ceremony for myself, to go: ‘Look, this has happened but now I need to be me again.’” Going back to university became part of that process. He studied illustration with animation at Manchester School of Art and moved to the city for his final year. But none of these moments felt like breakthroughs. “They were both incredibly profound and entirely meaningless,” he says. “There is no panacea, no one big thing that snaps you out of it. It has been gradual and hard.”

Maltby was not in court when his attackers were sentenced, but a lawyer read out a statement. “Before all this happened I was settled into a life quite independent,” he said. “Now I’m finding the whole world a terrifying place.” Today, he no longer lives in fear, but finds life “terrifyingly meaningless”, albeit in a strangely reassuring way. “Life is chaos, anything can happen and it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things,” he says. “No matter how significant something is to you, the universe doesn’t care. But there’s something freeing in that: do what you want, what makes you happy.”

What is it about some people that makes them want to murder someone? Hate? Fear? Ignorance? Evil?

I don’t know the answer. But I think that there’s more than one.

Somewhere in it all, I think, is the fact that we don’t know each other. Rob’s words made me stop and think:

‘Did you ever eat a meal with her? Did you know how she took her coffee? You just saw this archetype on the news. You didn’t know her.’

And I didn’t.

It can be surprisingly easy to harbour phobias about the kind of people that we don’t know. And phobias aren’t good things. At the heart of them there is no sense. Just non-sense.

A thing that I take away from this is a renewed personal commitment to engage with people that I see as being different from me whenever that is possible. To not make assumptions about people without taking the trouble to get to know them.

And also to do what I can to make it safe for people, so that there is no need to hide. For, if we hide, then it may seem as though the idiots win. But when idiots win, we all lose. Idiots included.

Thursday, 21 June 2007

By the way ... I am a transvestite

It's interesting how different people react to the concept of a person being a transvestite.

In the real world everyone that I have been able to tell so far has survived the experience.

T-girls in Portsmouth who are all lovely people.

People that I've chatted to on the couple of occasions that I've been "out" so far. They have asked questions and been interested. All of them lovely people.

My wife ... who is happy that Andrea makes me happy ... and that makes me easier to live with.

Eldest daughter who seemed OK but is struggling a bit. To have a dad that likes to dress like her mum isn't easy for her. But she is being honest about her feelings. I hope and think it will get easier as time passes.

Younger daughter ... who says it's OK if it makes me happy and if mum is OK with it. But she is kind of quiet. I think she is OK.

People I know on the Internet.

Two people have said they are proud of me. Being able to accept myself better and beginning to escape from the closet. Thank you!

A friend in Canada that I have known for years but never met thanked me for introducing Andrea to her.

Another friend in Canada that I chatted with a couple of weeks ago with the Webcam on said it was like talking with one of her girlfriends. She meant it in the nicest of ways.

A lady in Australia who mentioned the movie "The Adventures of Priscilla ... ". I bought the DVD and like it a lot.

Another in Norway ... surprised ... but cool.

And two people that may never chat with me online again.

But mostly a strong sense of acceptance.

Will I ever tell my brothers? People at work? Neighbours? Friends?

The nicest thing is that no longer do I live in fear of people finding out that I'm a tranny.

It's no big deal to me now. I don't want to flaunt it. Don't want to upset people. But if people find out then so be it.

When I got back from work today my wife was excited ... a trip to Marks & Spencer for some things to wear at a wedding later in the year.

It was lovely to see her trying the things on.

She thinks it's sweet the way that all of a sudden I like clothes.

I feel closer to her now than I have done for years and years and years.

At times I wish I had come out of the closet earlier. And yet ... earlier may have been too soon. Maybe we all needed the time to grow up a little first? So ... mostly I am content.

On Saturday I'm planning on hitting the shops myself.

It's nice to have some things in common :)