Documentaries, Café Rouge and more documentaries

Things have been busy over the past few weeks.

On Sunday November 25th there was a Surrey Swans meeting where we were visited by Nate, Harri, Alex,Terrell, Evie and Elisha from the University for Creative Arts who were putting together a documentary as part of a project for the course that they are studying.

On Monday December 3rd I spent a lovely evening with Tina, Susie and Chloe at Café Rouge in Windsor. It’s always lovely to meet up. And here we are … Chloe, Andrea, Susie and Tina:

Part way through the evening we talked about identity and who we are. Susie shared a simple and yet profound truth. She said that really, she is just herself. She’s not a label. And that is true. It really is.

On Wednesday December 5th I visited UCA in Farnham as a follow up to the documentary. It involved some filming and chatting with people involved with the Trans society there. I found that to be really helpful for me. It was really special to share some thoughts and feelings with younger Trans people. It reminded me a bit of Emily Maguires Song, The Borderline in that we each knew that the borderlines are things that people invent and that really each of us is just a person. The fact that we are trans is an incidental thing. Mainly, we are just people.

Trans* - what’s in an asterisk?

I recently received an email from someone planning to do some research on experiences that trans* people have had with the British criminal justice system.

I’d not seen the use of the * at the end of trans much before – although it has apparently been used in some circles for quite a while.

At first I looked for a footnote at the end of the email explaining what “trans”meant. The way that some books use an * to indicate that there is a footnote. But there wasn’t one.

Then, having a background in computer software I thought maybe it means trans-anything. In some computer environments an * at the end of a word means anything that starts with that word.

Here it says that trans* is:

An umbrella term to include folks who identify as transgender, transsexual, and other identities where a person does not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. It is a placeholder for suffixes of trans, that is, trans_____. The asterisk (*) is standing in for *gender, *sexual, *feminine, *masculine, *folks, *person, *guy, *girl, *woman, and *man.

But it also says:

It is also inclusive of identities that do not start with the prefix “trans,” but can be understood as under the trans* umbrella. These identities include, but are not limited to, genderqueer, bigender, third gender, genderf*ck, gender fluid, genderless, MtF, FtM, Two Spirit, non-binary, androgynous, and masculine of center (MOC). While all of these identities are distinct from one other, each can be understood as under the trans* umbrella because the folks who identify with them do not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth and/or are “queering” (deviating from norms; blurring) gender expectations and assumptions.

And continues with:

A note on usage: the identities above are all self-identifying terms. It is not for you to say then, “Well, I read a blog post that said genderqueer people are trans*, so if you identify as genderqueer you are trans*, whether you think so or not.”
Respect the words that people use to describe themselves by using those same words to describe them and not questioning their use of the terms.

That last part makes it a bit difficult, and I’m not sure that the example that’s used makes sense. Even though each of the individual terms are a matter of self-identification, if the word trans* is an umbrella term for them all then by self-identifying as any one of the things included in the umbrella it’s difficult to see the logic in saying that the umbrella term is inappropriate without redefining the umbrella term. And if the meaning of the umbrella term keeps changing then the umbrella term becomes less and less useful. I know, I’m beginning to form sentences reminiscent of Sir Humphrey Appleby.

In some circles, trans (without the *) means all of the above. So is the * really needed?

Here at the Trans Student Educational Resources web site there’s an article about Why We Used Trans* and Why We Don’t Anymore.

And here Julia Serano has a blog post dated August 2015 Regarding Trans* and Transgenderism. Julia says:

In the last few months, I have become aware of a new claim: Trans* is apparently trans-misogynistic. I am not sure where this originated, but it seems to have garnered steam (a recent google search using “asterisk” and “transmisogyny” revealed numerous pages of results to this effect). According to a recent post by Tobi Hill-Meyer (that I encourage you to check out), she summarizes the current arguments being made against trans* this way: “that female assigned genderqueers popularized it as a way to prioritize their issues at the expense of trans women.” But she then goes on to talk about many previous incarnations of the trans* in “2010, 2007, 2003, and 1998” when it was forwarded by trans women to circumvent “transsexual vs. transgender” infighting that was occurring in those settings at that time. The last paragraph of her post really resonated with me:

“I'm not really invested in whether or not people use [trans*]. I don't feel it's important enough to fight over. But seeing the way people talk about it now makes me sad that the trans community seems to have a historical memory permanently limited to only 2-4 years back.”

Julia then makes an interesting point that:

The word trans* is not inherently inclusive or trans-misogynistic. Rather, like all words, it gets its meaning from the way in which people use it. And it may be utilized towards positive or negative ends. Just because some people may use it in an exclusionary way doesn’t mean that the word itself disparaging or exclusionary.

This fits in with my understanding about how words and labels work. It’s all about how they are used and the motives and agendas that people have in using them.

There’s a way in which “umbrella” terms begin to lack usefulness as more and more people get included under the umbrella, and some of them begin to get dischuffed about sharing it.

I know people who self-identify as transsexual and others that identify as transvestite. There is no doubt that they have things in common. They are people. They identify as individuals that are part of minority groups that have a history being persecuted and of being misunderstood. They typically dress in a way that is associated with a gender that is different than their birth-gender (and the use of the term birth-gender in this context is open to debate). So they share an umbrella. Yet, with these things in common there are also some significant differences. These differences mean that some people prefer to be under a different umbrella.

When I began writing this blog I self-identified as a t-girl or transvestite. These days I tend towards gender-fluid. The main reason really is that most of the time if I sat to someone “I’m gender-fluid” they ask me about what that means. Which means I can tell them about what it means to me rather than what that label (or umbrella) means to them. On the other hand, people have a tendency to think they know what transvestite means, and just go along with their own understanding of the label (umbrella) without asking questions.

Having said all of that, personally speaking, I find the term trans (as an abbreviation for transgender(ed)) useful – with or without the *. I understand that the umbrella is quite large and it does cover groups of people that are significantly different from each other. But each individual is a person that is living their life in a way that tends to challenge societies stereotypical views on gender. And it provides some kind of context for terms such as transphobia.  And generally, if I tell a person that I am transgender(ed) they’ll ask me what does that mean exactly – which gives me an opportunity to explain to them that it doesn't exactly mean anything, because, of course, umbrella terms never do. In the same way that a * at the end of a search term in some computer environments isn’t searching for something that is exactly anything. It’s more about finding things that are a bit like something.

A visit to Guildford Police Station

May 31st was the day a group of us from Surrey Swans set for a visit to Guildford Police Station.

In April I’d received an email from Robin, who works there asking if I’d be prepared to visit them and talk about Transgender issues and how they could assist us should we come into contact with the police.

Robin also mentioned that it would be fine if other people came along as well and said that things that would be useful to talk about were things like:

How you discovered that you were Trans. Problems you’ve come across, how you’ve been accepted, or not, whether you’ve been victimised because of it, whether you’ve reported issues to Police and how they responded and how we can do things better ?

We agreed on a date of May 31st and ‘Chelle, Linda, Rose, Amanda and Cynthia said that they’d like to come along as well.

In the event, work commitments meant that Cynthia couldn’t make it.

I’d spent a while thinking about what I’d like say and wrote it down to try and estimate how long it would take to say it, and to try and keep myself from running off at tangents.

I was keen, as well, to provide some tome for everyone else to share some of their own thoughts and experiences.

We met at the Friary shopping centre in Guildford at about 11:00 am for coffee and a chat, and then headed for the police station to arrive there at about 11:50 … it’s a short 10 minute walk. We were met by Robin. Spent a few minutes signing in and headed up to the meeting room on the 7th floor.

Almost 30 people turned up to listen to us. We were a bit surprised. And impressed as well, that so many people would give up their own time to coma along and listen to us.

We spent a little over 30 minutes sharing thoughts and experiences. And had a lovely response from people afterwards.

Hermann, one of the officers at Surrey Police (the tall one in the picture) spent some time sharing about the way that their work is about safeguarding and assisting people.

We spent quite a while eating bread rolls and soup and chatting. It was especially good in that lots of people (including we five visitors) said it had been a useful time and that we’d learned important things.

For me, and I believe also for others, it had been a really valuable time.

Here’s a picture taken after the the talking and before the soup and bread rolls:

If you’re interested in the kind of things that we said, then here is some of it:

Robin (front centre in the picture) introduced us and explained a bit about what we were likely to be talking about.

The script that I worked from was this:

Hello

• Good afternoon, I’m Andrea
• And here are: Chelle, Linda, Amanda and Rose
• We are trans or transgender
• But more than that we are just people
• Each of us have been involved in one way or another with Surrey Swans
• A place where trans people, friends and partners meet socially once a month in Ash

Firstly

• I’d like to begin by saying thank you
• Jo and Michelle came along to Surrey Swans back in 2014 along with Carol (from New Patch) to talk with us about what you do … so it’s nice to return the visit
• When I mentioned this meeting to people at Surrey Swans, I got very positive feedback about the police force … about you.
• We know that what you do makes a difference to people. It makes a difference to us.
• What you do is not just a job
• Isn’t it strange, yesterday I was thinking, there are times when I’m driving and I see a police car, and I feel anxiety. My mind fills with stuff like “I hope my break likes are working. But as Andrea When I see a police officer I feel safe
• So, thank you

A definition of Transgender / Trans is that it is an umbrella term used to cover numerous types of gender identity such as:

• Transsexual
• Transvestite
• Non-binary
• Bi-gendered
• Non-gendered
• Genderfluid
• … etc.
• that’s a lot of diversity

A question:

• How many people here meet trans people on a regular basis?

You know though, whatever trans is:

• Trans is people
• Individual people with unique stories and life experiences
• Not all trans people agree with each other even on all things trans
• I, and all of us here, are not representing the trans community – mainly we are just sharing personal experiences and thoughts

My story … which is different from everyone else’s

Childhood, which was a long time ago. I remember:

• I confusion
• experimentation with clothing

Growing up, as a student and then later, I remember

• Confusion
• What it was all about?
• Just a fetish?
• Becoming a Christianity
• Was it sinful?
• Should I feel guilty?
• Feeling guilty.
• Buying things
• Throwing things away
• Repenting
• Keeping secrets
• Feeling ashamed

By 2006 or so

• The internet – communication with strangers
• I wasn’t the only person in the world like this
• Telling anonymous people
• Buying clothing that was more than underwear
• Someone asking if my wife knew
• Letting my wife find out
• Her coming to terms with it and accepting me
• Neither of us understanding
• Trying makeup and lipstick - Try it sometime … there’s all kinds of possibilities for total disaster.
• Seeing an advertisement for a makeover, clothes and pictures
• Going along
• Being encouraged to tell my wife all about it
• Meeting myself
• Crying
• Telling my children, family, friends
• Learning to be myself
• Working out that really, it’s just about who I am
• If I have a label it’s Genderfluid - People say “what’s that” rather than just go along with a likely incorrect stereotype

And some experiences

• A preacher in Manchester
• A piece of banana at the Arndale centre in Manchester
• Being called a “She-man” in Windsor
• A drunken man in Peascod street in Windsor
• A drunken man in Weatherspoon’s in Manchester
• A visit to Surrey Swans by Surrey police LAGLO’s Swans
• Police officers at Sparkle
• Strangers that say nice things
• Acceptance by friends, family, church people

Linda, Rose and Amanda then shared some of their thoughts and experiences.

And a few more points to finish:·

• Trans people are really just people
• Not a label, a problem or an issue to be dealt with (being trans is not really about bathrooms)

In common with other people:

• Each of us is unique, with our own life stories, fears and dreams
• Sometimes we are still in the process of trying to discover ourselves, understand ourselves and accept ourselves
• We don’t always act logically and sensibly
• We sometimes suffer from uncertainty, stress, confusion, fear and vulnerability

We (all people, not just trans people) mostly just want to be free to be ourselves.

So, in dealing with trans people, as with anyone else, it’s great, whenever possible, to:

• Be polite to us
• Treat us with dignity and courtesy
• Use the pronouns (he, she, they ...) that we prefer. If uncertain then ask us
• Consider our physical and emotional condition
• Be aware that there is a possibility that we are feeling afraid and vulnerable. Talk to us to find out about our own situation.
• Explain what’s happening and why it’s happening
• Try to understand us

And we, on our part, will try to do all of these things when we meet you, because we know that you are people just as much as we are

What we want … what we need … each of us in this room

• To be treated with respect, as we in turn, treat others with respect
• To be listened to just as we listen
• To be accepted … or at least not be intimidated or hated … just as we are accepting

And finally from me:

• Thank you again for listening
• And at Surrey Swans we’re keen to maintain good links with the police service, so pay us a visit soon
• And … ask us questions …

Chelle then shared some thoughts and experiences. She also raised a question as to the kind of definition of “trans” that the police use when safeguarding trans people. We were reassured that the definition is the same one that we talked about near the beginning of the session.

Where does all the hatred come from?

Today, as I often do, I listened to the Today programme on Radio 4.

I remember two news stories in particular.

One was the Orlando Shootings. I cannot understand this. How someone builds up such depths of hatred. Or fear. Or whatever it is that drives them to do this. How a person can gun down people.

And there’s another part of me that listens to songs like this, (Great Imperialist State by Simone White):

There's a farmer in a distant country working on the land
A hat upon his head and a shovel in his hand
Till the soil plant the seed wait a while cut the leaf
And send another cup of tea to me

I'm a spoiled child of the great imperialist state
I cannot kill my meat nor grow the food upon my plate
I never walked a mile to the well, when the tap runs dry do tell
What will become of you and me

What will become of us, who will give us trust
Will you believe me when I say I never loved profiting from your pain
That I felt shame when I looked the other way
Woke up this morning, the revolution knocking down my door
Those capitalist pigs? No, they don't live here anymore
Slipped out the back door into my car how far can you drive how far

There's a farmer in a distant country working on the land
Food turned into flowers for the uptown florist stand
What you saved another paid to turn his soil into sand
The world will not deliver on demand

What will become of us who will give us trust
Will you believe me when I say I never loved profiting from your pain
That I felt shame when I looked the other way

You can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRlEA0ZTxZ4

And I wonder how we tolerate and perpetuate the inequalities and injustices that are in the world.

I can think of no justification for what happened in Orlando.

I can think of no justification for the things that we tolerate.

I shed tears. And in the small ways that I am able, commit myself to make the changes that I can make that will one day help make a difference.

There was a time that I thought that the answer to the worlds problems lay in Jesus.

Which leads me to the next news item on the Today programme.

There was a news story that’s also mentioned in The Guardian, to say UK state schools get gender-neutral uniforms.

And comments from people that include:

It is so utterly wrong that we allow left wing nut jobs to dictate school policies.

or:

Gender change has never been so explicit. It looks to me a recipe for confusion for many young people who want to have sex with a member of the opposite sex but are denied by a law regulating legality at 16. Hormones for lads are raging for a few years before that. Some will take the first chance of a 'sexual experience' they can and may then feel controlled into that for life. And that is often a boy going with a boy. And many find they are straight and go on to have fulfilled lives

Gender change is as fashion.

or:

These nut jobs will be recommending "gender neutral" toilets and changing rooms soon enough...

I’m glad that not everyone agrees with these comments.

On the radio they interviewed a head teacher at a school that has introduced such a policy. And a lady who said she was offering a Christian viewpoint. Her view seemed to be that if any child is struggling with their gender identity, no matter what the specific circumstances of that child are, the only loving thing to do is to ensure that the child comes round to the idea and practice of living with the gender of their birth.

Andrea Williams, the Chief Executive of Christian Concern has said that this is not only pushing an agenda onto impressionable minds, but it also sets a dangerous precedent for other schools. She says:

To introduce such facilities – seemingly without parental consent – is highly irresponsible of the school. These pupils are of an impressionable age and are in the process of maturing physically. Introducing unisex toilets and uniform is surely to confuse them at the time when they are most in need of reassurance about their God-given identities as male and female.

"We are increasingly seeing boundaries being overstepped, and it is concerning that other schools may follow this example."

 

Personally I don’t believe that there is an agenda in schools to coerce boys into wearing skirts or girls into wearing trousers. I think it’s about allowing people the freedom to be themselves.

Over the weekend I read about Lily Allen and the impact that a stalker had upon her life. That led me to look into some of Lily’s songs, which I’d not done before really. I came across Fuck You  (Very Much). You can listen to it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4NHXvQEOok:

My own style shows more of an incination to engage in constructive dialogue. However … I like the song – it makes a point and, surprisingly, lacks any sense of animosity. And there are times when no amount of dialog seems to make any difference.

The words are something like this:

Look inside
Look inside your tiny mind
Now look a bit harder
'Cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired of all the hatred you harbor

So you say
It's not okay to be gay
Well I think you're just evil
You're just some racist who can't tie my laces
Your point of view is medieval

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

Do you get
Do you get a little kick out of being slow-minded?
You want to be like your father
It's approval you're after
Well that's not how you find it

Do you
Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
You're losing control of it and it's really distasteful

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate and it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
Fuck you

You say, you think we need to go to war
Well you're already in one,
'Cause its people like you
That need to get slew
No one wants your opinion

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate and it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you

 

There was a thing that I came to believe in the days that I was a Christian. It was that change begins with me. In the end it’s unreasonable to expect the entire world to change if I’m not willing to.

So if I want the world to be less hateful, then I need to begin with myself and my own attitudes and actions.

It’s a surprisingly difficult thing to do, and it is still a work in progress.

I once read the G K Chesterton once responded to the question:

“What’s wrong with the world today?”

With a letter that simply read:

Dear Sir,

I am.

Yours, G.K. Chesterton.

I empathise with that thought.

It’s not what you say it’s the way that you say it

Here are a few comments taken from here on the article in The Guardian entitled: Against Me's Laura Jane Grace slams Arcade Fire for transgender video that I already mentioned in an earlier post here.

This isn't a video about a transsexual girl, not to me. It's about a transvestite girl. Transvestites aren't welcome in the TG community by many transsexual girls, who resent the sexual aspect mudding up their waters. It's quite odd when you think we're their natural cheerleaders.

received the following response:

Transvestite is to transgender people what the N word is to black people. Please do not use it. I believe the term you were looking for was drag queen. Or transgender (which is a broad term that can refer to a host of types of people, from drag queens to cross dressers to transsexuals).

to which I replied:

Actually, I know many transgendered people that aren't at all offended by the term "transvestite".

to which another replied:

As a trans woman, I am deeply offended by anyone that tries to call me a "transvestite". The term is ONLY properly applied to cis folk that like to dress as the opposite sex for personally gratification, not as part of their actual identity.

I can understand that someone identifying themselves as a trans woman is offended by people referring to her as a transvestite.

I am, though, a bit saddened that a trans woman doesn’t realise that a person that identifies themselves as transvestite might feel offended by someone who refers to them as simply cis folk that like to dress as the opposite sex for personally gratification, not as part of their actual identity.

Maybe it depends a bit on exactly what the word gratification is intended to mean.

But many, many of the people that I know that identify with the term transvestite would also say that it is part of their actual identity. It isn’t just about some kind of gratification. It’s a means of self expression.

Maybe there’s a  difference in meaning of the word transvestite in the UK compared with the USA. Since The Guardian is a UK-based newspaper – as am I (UK based, that is, but not a newspaper) I’ve stuck with the UK meaning of the word.

Here are a few definitions from the Gender Dysphoria section of the National Health Service Web Site:

Gender terminology

Gender dysphoria is a complex condition that can be difficult to understand. Therefore, it helps to distinguish between the meanings of different gender-related terms:

• gender dysphoria – discomfort or distress caused by a mismatch between a person’s gender identity and their biological sex assigned at birth
• transsexualism – the desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by the wish to have treatment to make their physical appearance more consistent with their gender identity
• transvestism – where a person occasionally wears clothes typically associated with the opposite gender (cross-dressing) for a variety of reasons
• genderqueer - an umbrella term used to describe gender identities other than man and woman - for example, those who are both man and woman, or neither man nor woman, or moving between genders

I think the term for a variety of reasons is important here. Maybe many transvestites also fall into the genderqueer category as well.

Actually quite a lot of people don’t fall into such neat categories at all. 

People are often more complex than that.

Also, this article is interesting: Transvestites and cross-dressing at netdoctor.

To be honest, I can cope with people that use incorrect terminology through ignorance. I’m using the word ignorance in a non-stigmatic kind of way here. If a person has never been told something then how can they be expected to know all about it?

Quite often it’s not the actual words that people use that are hurtful and offensive. Always it’s the way that the words are used and the context that they are used in that makes all the difference.

I thought a lot before using the word “Always” in the sentence above. But I think it’s the right word.

I think that’s the reason I find it difficult to understand why some transgendered people have had such a big problem with the video, and even more difficult to understand the way in which some have expressed their dissatisfaction.

Whatever the video is, I’m sure in my own heart that the intension was good.

But if I had been involved in the production of it I could easily have felt quite offended at the following comment. It uses smooth words, but they have sharp edges:

Yet another attempt by segment s of the cisgender community to marginalize transgender folk. The band's spokesperson made matters worse by slapping whitewash on their video by trying to claim this was really about a gay boy and his father. Caught in a lie and no way out must be very uncomfortable for the band, right now.

Creative license is one thing. Outright lying to save ones "pride" is another. The trans community has every right to be outraged by this latest example of denigration and the subsequent attempt by the abusers to cover their tracks.

Maybe I’m being too picky/fussy in all of this.

What do you guys, girls and genderqueer folk think?

Spiderman, transgender, tolerance and Indigo Girls

As a follow on to my thoughts about We Exist, Laura mentioned this to me:

Arcade Fire Respond to Laura Jane Grace's 'We Exist' Criticism. which includes a link to this: Arcade Fire Interview: 'We Exist' Sends Message to the Mainstream.

Having read through them I have to admit that I’m surprised at some of the comments made by people.

In a world that has a desperate need for acceptance, understanding, love and tolerance … such vitriol.

I know that all people are never going to agree on all things. And there’s scope for discussion and argument about it all.

But there’s a way to disagree about things.

I’m not sure that the way some people are disagreeing here is actually helping anyone very much.

The intensions of the video are, I believe, good.

Maybe it could have been done better.

But there’s a better way of disagreeing with people than by bad-mouthing. Isn’t there?

Reminds me of an Amy Ray song that I’ve mentioned before. It’s a great song. Truly.

Indigo Girls–Second Time Around

Second Time Around

by: Amy Ray, Indigo Girls

The second time around, you know it really got me down
Sister don’t you judge it, just keep it to yourself now
And if you ain’t got nothing good to say
Don’t say nothing at all

I got bitten by the bitter bug, and now I just can’t get enough
Of ill will and my own conceit
I’m weary of the world it seems
I’m weary of the world, weary of the world it seems

It’s sort of always gone my way
I’m just a little bit off these days
Like I’ve had hard knocks all my life, like I’m a Bible belt wife
Like I didn’t see it coming, like I didn’t walk in willingly

See, I never want to sing again
La la la like a butterfly
Without my wits about me, without my heart in line
Third times a charm and this is mine

You said you heard Loretta sing and felt the loneliness seeping in
The cowboys made you uneasy, you’re a god-fearing lesbian
So you learn not to yearn and you take it on the chin again

Here’s what I find about compromise-
Don’t do it if it hurts inside,
Cause either way you’re screwed, eventually you’ll find
You may as well feel good; you may as well have some pride

Come August we’ll go to Cherokee and hear Loretta do her thing
Pack it into the Indian casino and make the hillbilly scene,
Kick up our heels and join in

Are you my ally or my enemy?
Do you have self-loathing or empathy?
Can you keep me in your prayers, sister,
Can you keep me in there somewhere?
And sister if you ain’t got nothing good to say…
Don’t say nothing at all.

We exist

Earlier this week Laura emailed me a link to a video of  the song We Exist by Arcade Fire. Thanks Laura

It’s here.

 

The lyrics to the song are:

We Exist

by: Arcade Fire

They're walking around
Head full of sound
Acting like
We don't exist
They walk in the room
And stare right through you
Talking like
We don't exist
But we exist
Daddy it's true
I'm different from you
But tell me why they treat me like this?
If you turned away
What would I say?
Not the first betrayed by a kiss
Maybe it's true
They're staring at you
When you walk in the room
Tell 'em it's fine
Stare if you like
Just let us through
Just let us through
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
They're down on their knees
Begging us please
Praying that we don't exist
Daddy it's fine
I'm used to 'em now
But tell me why they treat me like this?
It's cause we do it like this
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
Maybe it's true
They're staring at you
When you walk in the room
Tell 'em it's fine
Stare if you like
Just let us through
Just let us through
Let 'em stare! Let 'em stare!
If that's all they can do!
But I'd lose my heart
If I turned away from you
Oh Daddy don't turn away
You know that I'm so scared
But will you watch me drown?
You know we're going nowhere
We know that we're young
And no shit we're confused
But will you watch us drown?
What are you so afraid to lose?
Down on your knees
Begging us please
Praying that we don't exist
You're down on your knees
Begging us please
Praying that we don't exist
We exist!
We exist!
Down on your knees
Begging us please
Praying that we don't exist
You're down on your knees
Begging us please
Praying that we don't exist
We exist!
We exist!
We exist!
We exist!

Na na na na na na na,

na na na na na na na,

na na na na na na na
Maybe if you hang together
You can make the changes in our hearts
And if you hang together, you can change us
Just where should you start?

The song is from Arcade Fire's album Reflektor, and is "about a gay kid talking to his dad." To me, the video kinda illustrates that the same kind of thing applies to the whole LGBT community.

Pandora Boxx added an interesting comment at YouTube:

This is a powerful message marred with hateful comments but it just shows as far as we've come the journey ahead is a long one.  Thank you Arcade Fire and Andrew Garfield for doing this video.

Having said that there’s an article in the Guardian here with the headline:

Against Me's Laura Jane Grace slams Arcade Fire for transgender video.

And the quote:

'Maybe when making a video for a song called We Exist you should get an actual 'trans' actor instead of Spider-Man,' writes the singer.

Together with some interesting comments here.

I’m not so sure that I’d say that Laura Jane Grace exactly slammed Arcade Fire. She just asked a question.

For myself, I think it would have been great if a transgendered actor had been featured in the video. At the same time I have no problem with the fact that a non-transgendered (cisgender – I only just learned this as a word) person feels enough about something to feature in a video like this. So I go more along with Pandora Boxx than I do with Laura Jane Grace.

A very special Wedding and a little making up and telling

Friday July 20th was a great family day – the wedding day of Sarah (my eldest daughter) to Paul.

Sarah told Paul about Andrea a few months ago. She told me they were having a conversation about little known things about each others families. She had wanted to tell Paul for a while, but the opportunity hadn’t arisen. So this seemed like an opportunity. She opened a page of this blog and said … that’s my dad.

Sarah said that she thinks Paul didn’t think she could tell him anything that was surprising. But he was … well … surprised. I don’t know if Paul will ever want to meet Andrea … that’s up to him completely … but it’s good that he knows that Andrea exists and that he isn’t totally mind blown by the concept.

Sarah and my wife Sally had done pretty much all of the organising of wedding things with a lot of help from friends and family and even some from myself and Paul.

And, just as it should have been, it was one of the happiest and proudest moments of my life. Pretty much every moment went smoothly, and even the weather took a turn for the better.

In amongst all of the regular things that happen during the run-up to the occasion and on the day itself, there were a few not-quite-so regular things happened.

Tatyana, one of Sarah’s closest friends, and also a great family friend and a bridesmaid was staying with us.

She volunteers to take care of the camera and take pictures over the coming few days.

Thursday morning we ferry things from home to the venue of the wedding reception. It’s at Beaumont in Old Windsor.

Beaumont is now a hotel, conference centre and venue for events such as wedding receptions. In the not-too-distant past it was a venue for IT (Information Technology)training courses courses and I spent about 21 years of my working life there teaching things ranging from COBOL in the late seventies and early eighties through to database management and XML in the early part of the 21st century, so the place.

Before being an IT training college the building was a school run by the Jesuits.

In the days of IT training, the school chapel housed mainframe computers and had false floors and ceilings hiding the architectural beauty of the building. These days, the interior chapel building is visible again and used for events such as wedding receptions.

On arrival we moved things to Tudor 2ready for the staff there to put onto tables in the chapel the next morning.

Flower vases are unpacked and candles assembled.

The candles have a mind of their own. However carefully and firmly we press them into the adhesive in the candelabra, they insist on leaning over at all kinds of crazy angles as soon as you turn your back on them.

Jars are filled with sweets (candy) and boxes of cigars are set out. Little blackboards are decorated … one for the sweets and one for cigars.

Sarah points out that the cigars that I’ve drawn on the blackboard look a bit like willies.

A photograph of each guest is attached to a small stand.

Paul and his mum and dad arrive, having driven down from the north west of England.

A little later we head for Windsor and a rehearsal for the service at Windsor parish church and meet up with bridesmaids, ushers, best man and priest.

The rehearsal goes smoothly.

Sarah and two of the three bridesmaids head off for a session of nail polishing at a nearby salon. Sally and I head off to help ferry the wedding cake from a friends house to the reception venue.

Later in the afternoon, Sally decides she’d like to wear some nail polish, though she doesn’t usually. We’d already talked about this possibility a while back and since Andrea has the largest selection of polishes in the household, I’m asked to provide the polish and to do the painting.

My own recommendation was red … I like the colour, it applies easily and seems to dry faster than a lot of other colours.

Sally’s preference was something more dark pink than red. So in the end Rimmel Pure Sin was the selection. Two coats.

Tatyana has some really nice shiny, sparkly red nail polish. Somehow or other I’m asked if I could paint her nails as well. So, with a certain amount of trepidation on my part, it’s two coats of red for Tatyana. So far as we know, Tatyana doesn’t know about Andrea … only that I have unusual expertise in nail polish.

On the morning of the wedding people arrive to do makeup for Sarah, and also her hair.

The makeup lady has even more makeup brushes than me.

Just hair for Sally, Katie and Tatyana.

The doorbell sounds. It must be the photographer.

But no … a man to replace a cracked window. This is a bit of a surprise and I explain it’s not a very convenient moment. Sally chats with him a while and in he comes and gets the job done without any hassle and in a very short time.

A glass of champagne and strawberries.

Sally asks what eye shadow I have … and so one of my biggest jobs for the morning include applying shadow and mascara to Sally’s eyes. And then helping finish off applying shadow to Tatyana’s.

sally blinks a lot when having mascara applied … so I’m glad that I have plenty of cotton wool buds.

We come to an amicable agreement not to even attempt doing the lower lashes.

Katie and Tatyana also borrow some of makeup brushes and Tatyana borrows my eyelash curlers.

Sally’s nails needed a third coat.

It was a little surreal. My guess is that most father’s of the bride don’t spend quite so much of their time painting the ladies nails and eyes.

I have to say, though, that it was great fun to do. Much more enjoyable than the earlier job that I’d been given of cutting the grass on the front lawn.

The photographer arrives and begins snapping things.

Katie helps Sarah into the dress.

The car arrives.

Tatyana takes a lot of lovely pictures of Sarah and bridesmaids in the back of the car.

The bridesmaids get into the taxi and head for the church.

Sarah and I relax in the back of the car. We wait a few minutes and the driver sets off.

A few people wave as we pass them and in almost no time there we are, walking down the church aisle.

Hymns, a short message on selfless love, readings, songs, rings, registry signing, vows and there they are … Mr and Mrs and a chance to begin to say hello to everyone.

A short walk and then some photographs near Windsor Castle.

Then to the reception.

Drinks. Canapés. Photographs. Chats.

Introductions. Speeches. Food and wine.

Coffee. Cheese. Dancing and chatting.

The candles have survived.

And Katie enjoys the sweets.

The chapel windows are enchanting and change as the lighting changes.

 

 

Part way through the evening Sally says that she hopes that I don’t mind, but that she mentioned the Andrea part of me to a close friend of ours, Rose.

Rose and her husband Brian are amongst our very closest friends. We’ve known them for more than all of our married lives. Rose and Brian introduced Sally and I to each other.

When Sally first found out about Andrea, I said that she was free to tell anyone that she wanted to, and so no, I didn’t mind.

We’d actually been thinking about telling both Rose and Brian for a long time.

The challenge, though, as ever, is never being sure how people will react. Of not wanting to risk a deep and dear friendship.

Sally says that Rose was surprised.

Later in the evening, talking with Brian I mention that I’m a transvestite.

He’s surprised. But I don’t think appalled.

We talk quite a bit about things.

It’s not an easy thing. But as always, being able to talk about things is one more little burden in life less to carry.

Our friendship remains.

For Brian, I understand that there are challenges in all of this. His Christian faith will, I think make it challenging.

We talked about this a little.

I shared some of the things that I find difficult with some aspects of Christian beliefs in some, though not all, parts of the Christian Church.

Things like the idea that maybe almost everyone that ever lived could be destined for an eternity in hell.

The view that gender is a fixed thing … male or female … with no shades of both and no transition between the two.

The subjective way that everyone interprets the Bible.

The way that same sex relationships are viewed to be wrong. Even where people love each other in a deeper and more genuine way than do some heterosexual couples.

That maybe it’s ok to be gay or lesbian and have a partner so long as there is no sex.

That it’s often ok for women to talk in church these days even though once it wasn’t.

The possibility that one day it will be possible for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people to be honest about themselves in church without people in the Church feeling that such people need to be healed from some kind of an abomination.

We talk a little about what my gender means to me. About The Listening Project interview that I’d done with Katie.

Brian mentions that at one time a transgendered person came along to a church home-group that he led and also along to their church.

It was nice to know that that could happen.

Although, there was a sense that the hope of the people at the church was that the person would be healed from a whole series of hurts that they had experienced in life and also from their gender dysphoria.

I mention Brian McLaren and the book A New Kind of Christianity.

I’m glad that there’s been an opportunity to share all of this. Maybe there is something about weddings … this is the second family wedding where I’ve found myself in a similar kind of conversation.

Later in the evening I sit outside with my brothers and we discover the doors have been locked, so we walk back to the main reception to get in and then chat a while with a group of guys that are there for a wedding the next day. And then it’s time to sleep.

Saturday and we meet people at breakfast and say hello to the newly weds.

Back home we prepare for a barbecue. It’s great to see people from our families again for a few more hours.

As the day progresses we say g’bye as people leave.

My brother Pete and his wife Mary, his son and his son’s wife (Paul and Jenni) spend the night so it’s great to see a bit more of them.

A wonderful, wonderful few days.

Matthew Chapter 1: Family history, prophecies and a virgin birth

Here is the beginning of my account of revisiting the Bible.

As I’ve mentioned previously, in my early youth I was an atheist. At the age of 18, as a student, I became a born again evangelical Christian.  More recently I’ve become more of a sceptical kind of agnostic. I’ve also reached a position in my life where I’ve been able to accept and enjoy my own trans or mixed gendered-ness. My opinions and feelings on male and female sexuality have changed a lot.

For a year or more now I’ve been meaning to see if Jesus, Christianity and the Bible still have things to say to me.

As a start I’ve spent some time reading and thinking about the first chapter of Matthew’s gospel. There’s a copy of it here.

In a way it’s tricky.

Who wrote it? What motivated them? Is it trustworthy or true?

Different people say different things about this. I’ve read things that have discussed this.

Like many things in life, there’s no absolute and incontrovertible proof one way or the other.

I’m going to try to read the whole gospel without worrying too much about who wrote it or what their motives might have been. I’ll try and just read the words to see what they have to say to me.  

It begins with a list of what it says are the ancestors of Jesus.

Actually they are ancestors of Joseph.

Soon after the list of Joseph’s ancestors it goes on to say that Joseph wasn’t actually the father of Jesus.

So it’s strange that the ancestors should be classed as ancestors of Jesus. According to this passage at any rate, they aren’t biological ancestors.

The list of ancestors is interesting. Some well known and revered names … Abraham, David, Solomon. None of them perfect. All fallible. A name that seems is given prominence is David and mention is made of Bathsheba.

The story of David and Bathsheba is almost like a soap operatic tragedy. I just read through that again … it’s here and continued here. It’s hard not to get side-tracked from looking at Matthew’s gospel at this point. David did such an awful thing. And it’s hard to understand what God was up to in it all … it seems that God punished David by killing an innocent baby.

Then there is the story of the virgin conception. Joseph didn’t believe it until an Angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream.

It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t generally happen, so I can understand why he’d find it difficult to believe. And so do I.

I suspect that most Christians that believe in the virgin conception do so because they are Christians rather than the other way round. People don’t usually become Christians because they got convinced about the virgin conception. It was something else that convinced them about Christianity.

So it was with me when I believed it.

To some … to many… it’s a critically important truth. The thing that allows Jesus to be both Divine and human.

There’s mention that the birth of Jesus came about the way that it did in fulfilment of prophecies made in the Old Testament of the Bible.

To me at the moment, the genealogy isn’t so important. Nor the idea that the birth of Jesus was in fulfilment of prophecies. Nor the concept of the virgin birth.

The passage maybe raises more questions than it gives answers. Life seems to be like that as well. It seems to be there to set the scene and define the credentials of Jesus.

I’ve read that Matthew’s gospel was especially aimed at a Jewish audience for whom all of this would be significant. But is it true? Did it happen that way? Does it matter if it did or didn’t? If it didn’t happen that way … did the person that wrote it know … what does it say about their motives and integrity?

It would be kind of nice if an angel were to come along and explain some of it to me. Or just say to me that it’s how things are. Or that God is there and that all will be well. So far, at least as far as I know, this hasn’t happened to me.

I’ll try and be open to the possibility … but it’s not difficult to be sceptical.

It’s encouraging, in a strange sort of way, that some of the people mentioned in the genealogy are as noteworthy for their shortcomings as they are for their successes.

Pink Punters

Last Saturday marked the occasion of another Pink Punters trip.

It would be cool if someone managed to make a razor that could remove body hair without also making little cuts. But the little cuts are few and they disappear quickly … and the alternatives of epilators, wax and cream don’t sound spectacularly better.

The one night excursion still requires a surprisingly large suitcase.

Laura arrives at a little before 4:00 pm and we set off and chat about Christmas, music, stockings, shopping, gender, Surrey Swans, TV (transvestite) dinners …

I realise that I have forgotten to bring a camera.

Ring ring …

My phone.

Once we work out where it is, Laura takes a look at it … since I’m driving.

“It’s Nikki" it says on the phone display.

The call is missed.

Laura calls back.

It’s quite a challenge. Engine noise. A bad line.

I smile as Laura and Nikki struggle to communicate. But they manage.

About 5:20 and we reach the hotel and check in.

I take room 9. Laura and Nikki room 7.

The ritual of dressing and makeup begins.

Nails were painted earlier in the day and are nice and dry.

Wash, deodorise, shave, moisturise.

Lingerie. The stocking and suspender belt thing is still a challenge … there is always one suspender that takes ages and ages and ages to fasten.

At least the nails and the polish survive intact.

Sometime … one day … maybe … I’ll practice more at this art …. and work out some new ingredients and combinations.

For now, it’s the usual makeup routine.

A text from Emma in room 118.

Eventually I’m ready … a patterned skirt and black shirt … and phone room 7 and room 118.

Knock knock.

Laura and I head for the hotel bar.

Tottenham Hotspurs are playing Leeds United on the TV. A half pint of Stella and a Budweiser. We sit and chat.

A little later Emma and Nikki join us. The food is a long time in coming, but we get a free drink and 20% discount on the food.

“What room are you in?” asks the waitress.

“007” says Nikki.

“What’s the name then?” asks Andrea.

“Bond. James Bond.” says Nikki.

“Damn. That should have been Jane not James.”

I change into a different skirt and blouse and knock on the door at 007.

Laura opens the door. She has great legs.

Nikki has a rubber … latex … well something like that anyway … dress on.

She disappears into the bathroom as Laura slides into a skirt and I perch on the end of one of the beds.

There’s a hissing sound from the bathroom and Nikki re-appears.

“Can you spray this on my back?” asks Nikki … handing me a can of silicone spray.

“What’s it for?”

“To make the rubber shiny.”

We head for the bathroom. Nikki faces the mirror and I start to spray.

It does look shiny.

Nikki sprays the belt.

And then tries to fasten it.

Shiny also means slippery.

The belt is tight and slippery. It needs stretching and pulling and fastens with poppers at the back.

Emma arrives and helpfully videos myself and Laura tugguing at Nikki’s belt.

After a while the poppers pop and the belt is fastened.

The end result looks great.

It’s  11:00 pm or so by the time we are signing in at Pink Punters. Nikki gets a pair of earplugs from the dispenser near the entrance.

As the evening passes we talk and dance.

“How long will it stay shiny for?” I ask Nikki.

Of course I was talking about the silicone coated rubber dress.

We discuss the relative merits of shaving, waxing, epilating and using cream as a mechanism for body hair removal.

“I just use cream where I can’t reach with a razor" says Emma.

“Oh … we really don’t want to go there” quips Nikki.

“I was talking about my back.”

“How are you doing?” asks a girl buying a drink at the bar.

We chat a while. Her name is Wendy … married with 3 children aged between 8 years and 18 months. It’s a girls night out.

She asks a bit about the transgendered thing.

Transsexual and Transvestite.

How long?

When did it start?

How does it feel to be dressed.

She says I look too young to have daughters aged 24 and 22 .. a definite friend.

It being Burns night … or pretty close at any rate (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burns_supper) … a group of kilted men and partners arrive. A little bit of makeup and a wig and wow … they would all be transformed.

Laura declines the challenge of finding out what exactly is being worn underneath the kilts.

“What do you mean?” asks Emma.

“Your skirt … its a tartan.”

“Oh … I thought you said I was a tart.”

“No … tartan … like the kilts.”

It’s about 4:00 pm as we leave.

Emma takes pictures of me failing to ascend climb up out of the grassy ditch … it’s not easy when you are wearing 4.5” heels.

At 7:00 am my phone wakes me with the kind of bleep that means it needs more electricity.

I turn it off and fall asleep again until the alarm wakes me at 10:00 am.

As always I enjoyed the night a lot.

And a few pictures that Laura took on her mobile phone.

Perched on the bed with Emma in tartan:

Nikki’s dress is kinda shiny isn’t it?

 

Sitting in the corner at Pink Punters with Emma:

When Nikki and Emma email me some of the pictures that they took I’ll post them here.

Ponies, people, the Bible, Jesus and me

Recently I spent a while chatting with someone using the nick ponygirl in a chat room. For over a year now she explained that she has lived as a ponygirl.

She has an owner … who owns five pony girls at the moment. Some of the things that she has mentioned:

• It’s not a sexual thing.
• She hasn’t been forced into it.
• She is happy.
• The ponies spend a lot of time restrained in various ways … mostly, I think, in ways that make it feel more like being a pony
• They don’t talk
• The ponies are trained
• They are disciplined
• They are well cared for
• The pony that I talked with has access to the internet once in a while
• Her family visit her every so often. They don’t find it easy … but they accept her choice. She doesn’t speak to them when they visit, but they do communicate by email

She said that the thing that she likes most is a sense of belonging.

In some ways, it’s not easy to understand why anyone would want to do this.

I think that quite lot of people would also find it hard to understand what it is that makes a guy want to wear makeup, a wig and a dress.

It’s not natural I’ve heard people say. I’ve even heard myself say it.

But is clothing natural? Plastic? Automobiles? Aeroplanes?

Maybe it’s really more about acceptability than it is about naturalness?

And different things are acceptable to different people.

Plastic, aeroplanes and just wars are acceptable to many people.

Pony girls and transvestites, gays and lesbians maybe to less.

There was a time when the Bible helped me decide what was acceptable and what wasn’t.

I was more of a “hate the sin but love the sinner” kind of person - as opposed to the “fire and brimstone” variety.

Nevertheless, the Bible was the final arbiter when it came to acceptability.

And yet looking back at those times, it was really my interpretation of the Bible that was the arbiter.

And my interpretation of the Bible was always flawed.

I think, in a way, everyone’s interpretation is flawed.

I mean … is it acceptable for women to speak in church? To commit genocide if God tells you to do it? To work on Sunday – or maybe that should be Saturday? To speak in tongues without an interpretation? To use contraceptives? To kill? To be gay? Lesbian? Transsexual? Transvestite? Pony girl? To manufacture weapons? To trade unjustly? To have two coats while someone else has none? To respond to one slap in the face with another?

Different Bible believing people have different answers to these questions.

Back in 1973, just after being Born Again, I remember reading a book Genesis in Space and Time by Francis Schaeffer. Even then it seemed odd to me that the author was adamant that the existence of a real Adam and Eve were fundamental beliefs, but that the story of creation in six days and the eating of the fruit of knowledge could just be viewed as allegories.

And I have had conversations with people that find it easy to own a whole collection of coats and yet condemn, absolutely, a whole series of perversions.

I know, for sure, that I am far from perfection. A little like Amy Ray’s friend:

My friend Tanner she says,
"Y'know me and Jesus we're of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant is that I keep fuckin' up"

And I do.

Back at Sparkle, I remember the policeman saying that his view of bad-mouthing members of the trans-gendered community was that it was similar to the racist comments that people make.

Not so very long ago, a man that lived in a Bible believing God-fearing part of the world had a dream:

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

Y’know. I think that pony girls, gay, lesbian and transgendered people are mostly just wanting to be free to be themselves.

Humour, obsession and charity

A few days ago I came across this story http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1165892/Tory-councillors-gender-joke-led-dressing-police.html

According to the Daily Mail:

As the 50 members of the public at the police liaison meeting were handed their electronic handsets to take part in a survey, an official told them: 'Let's start with an easy question to get us going.

'Press A if you're male or B if you're female.'

But it seems nothing is ever that simple. Someone asked: 'What if you're transgendered?'

'You could press A and B together,' quipped Conservative councillor Jonathan Yardley.

…

A complaint was made  -  and as a result, he was spoken to by police for his ' homophobic' remark.

I have no way of knowing how complete a record of events this is.

My own reaction to Jonathan Yardley’s quip would have been to have smiled and pressed both buttons – though I suspect that the electronics wouldn’t have coped with it. I’m not at all sure how the remark could have been construed to be homophobic. But maybe the story is incomplete

I think that within the transgendered community there people who feel they are men trapped in women's bodies, women trapped in men's bodies and people who feel that they are somewhere in between.

Maybe most people are actually somewhere between?

Either way, maybe the options of button A, button B or button A + button B are adequate.

It seems a really strange kind of thing to have required police involvement.

 

I had a little think about the Sermon on the Mount … the bit that I quoted yesterday at least:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed ADULTERY with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into HELL. 

What does it mean? I have the feeling that very few Christians take this at face value. Otherwise there’d be a lot more guys in churches with fewer than two eyes.

Is it meant to mean that anyone who looks at a girl and thinks … wow … she looks fit … has to make a choice between cutting out their right eye or going to hell? What about the left eye?

There are times, though, I can imagine, when a person can get very wrapped up in thoughts that are doing them no good at all. A kind of obsessiveness where the obsession is destructive. Obsessions are not usually good things.

In the end though I’m sure that thinking something is not the same as doing something. And i don’t think that was the idea that Jesus was trying to convey. Not at all.

 

There was a story on the news today that the government are planning to experiment in making grants to charities that involve themselves in political lobbying as part of what they do.

There was a guy defending the idea, and a lady that was saying how bad it was – that charities should be about providing aid to people in need and not involved in messing about with politics.

The guy convinced me – though I was maybe already convinced. If a charity is involved in helping people and it discovers some kind of injustice that is built into the way that society is structured – then surely the charity needs to get involved in trying to change the way that society works – and that probably involves politics. The people that are being helped by charities are often not in a position to be able to bring about the changes themselves.

The guy seemed ok with the concept that it is ok for the government to supply funding to organisations that actually challenge the government and press for change. I think that’s a nice thought.

Pink punters ladies with a lady

Last time I visited Pink Punters was on the occasion of the monthly Big Night Out. It was great (http://andrea-wright.blogspot.com/2008/05/sore-feet-but-smiling.html) .

This is a one Friday a month time when lots of transgendered folk get together. The only problem really is its success.

It’s really popular.

The hotel across the road from Pink Punters gets fully booked months in advance. Early evening in the bar is definitely a tad different than the average hotel bar. Fella’s in frocks all over the place.

There are also a couple of Saturdays each month that are advertised as having a transgendered kind of theme. So Laura, Billie and I decided to give it a try on October 4th. Booking the hotel was certainly easier ... no need to book way in advance.

For me, getting organised for such an event is still somewhat bizarre.

Ten thirty a.m. I begin to look for the suitcase.

A whole suitcase for one night. And not a small one.

The phone rings. It’s my eldest daughter. We begin to chat about this and that. Her computer won’t start up ... do I have any ideas? Check the cables. Open it up. Check that nothing seems loose ... I find the suitcase that I’m looking for ... hidden like a Russian doll inside another one. The computer might need looking at by an engineer.

As we talk I begin to look in the wardrobe.

What to wear?

Decisions, decisions.

In the end, the suitcase contains maybe 5 skirts, 5 tops, two bras, a basque, 3 pairs of panties, two pairs of tights, two pairs of stockings, two pairs of hold up stockings, a pair of jeans, a cardigan, a suspender belt ...

Maybe if I go along to Pink Punters often enough I’ll be able to decide exactly what I’ll wear in advance and just take one of everything ... well maybe two ... I mean ... it’s really easy to ruin a nylon stocking.

Then there is all the makeup.

Boobs.

Hair.

Jewellery.

Eleven thirty a.m. Fill the bath and shave. By the time I am dry there is another small sticking plaster on my nipple. I resolve, again, to wield the razor with more care and attention.

Odds and ends of activities follow until about three thirty. At this point I begin to paint my nails pink. This leads to a half hour or so of almost total inactivity. Freshly painted fingernails are not conducive to any kind of activity at all. Even then I have to apply little touch ups a couple of times.

A little after four thirty I’m on the road. I arrive at the hotel a little over an hour later. The receptionist doesn’t seem at all surprised at my pink fingernails.

Room 103.

Undress.

Wash.

Begin to dress.

Suspender belts and nail polish are not mutual friends. The back left suspender always causes me pain. Maybe I should do a survey ... is this a universal thing? Do a lot of ladies feel the same way? Or is it just me? By the time the stockings feel securely fastened my nails are looking a lot less than perfect. And I left the nail polish at home. Ah well. The best laid plans.

The makeup begins to go on.

My phone rings. Laura has arrived.

The hotel accommodation is separate from the reception and you need a pass to get in to the accommodation. Laura doesn’t have a pass, so I need to go and open the door.

This is a moment that makes me smile. I am wearing a basque with suspenders, black stockings, panties and a pair of Chinese boobs. Nothing else.

Mostly made up ... but not completely ... no lipstick at all. No hair. Well ... some hair ... but no wig.

“I’ll be right there ...” I say. Grabbing my jeans and slipping them on. The cardigan is nice and long and covers me pretty well. As I do all this, pictures run through my mind of the looks that might be on people’s faces as I pass them by on the corridor. The nice thing is that the thought of it makes me smile more than it fills me with terror.

I pick up the black wig. Yes ... I brought two ... and put it on. There is a knock at the door. Someone had let Laura in. Rush and panic over.

Laura and Billie travelled en-femme. I reckon I’ll be another fifteen minutes and say I’ll meet them in the restaurant.

I undress again. Lip liner, lipstick, gloss.

Jeans ... why did I take them off?

Blonde hair. Pink top. Necklace, earrings, shoes ... you know the kind of thing.

Then, to the restaurant.

Opening the bedroom door and stepping out into the big wide world of the hotel corridor is still a mixture of fear and thrill. But really, not much fear.

In the restaurant there are just a few people. I sit opposite Laura. Billie has gone to get her glasses so she can read the menu. I take my glasses off so I can read the menu. No one is paying us any attention other than the waitress.

We order some food and drinks. Small talk mostly. We discuss what we’ll be wearing. Billie mentions a pelmet. After a little explanation it seems that this is in reference to a very short leather skirt.

Back to room 103. Laura and I get changed.

Jeans off, short black skirt on.

Pink top replaced by a black t-shirt. It has the word “Pink” embroidered on it

I look in the mirror. My lipstick is feathering out a little through the lip liner. Too many smile lines I guess! In a fit of bravado I get the makeup remover and wipe away the foundation and lipstick from around my mouth. I’ve never attempted a makeup repair job like this before. But it goes ok. Instead of regular lipstick I go for the Maybelline Superstay stuff. More like paint than lipstick. But it stays on and it doesn’t feather. And so long as I remember to apply the gloss kind of stuff that comes with it, it stays shiny as well.

Looking out the window ... it’s raining.

Pink Punters is just a short walk away. But in the rain ... a short walk seems like a long walk. We consider the options. Well ... maybe a taxi. But in the end, the rain is very light so we walk. We take the longer route – avoiding the small ditch between the hotel boundary and pavement.

There’s a small group of people at the door of Pink Punters. It’s just before 9:00 pm. We thought it opened at 8:00. But no. It opens at 9:00. We are kinda glad that we didn’t arrive much earlier.

The door opens. We sign the visitors’ book and head upstairs.

The place is almost totally deserted. We get some drinks and sit down to talk a while. Take a few pictures. We try to figure out if the person that served us the drinks is a guy or a girl. Feminine kind of voice. Masculine kind of clothing. Very short hair. Attractive. Billie thinks a guy. Laura and I think a girl.

Laura and Billie ...

Me ...




Me and Laura ...



Me and Billie ...



A tgirl and partner arrive and order some drinks. Not sure if the partner is a tgirl or a real girl. Well, at least I’m not sure ... I guess that they are pretty sure, though.

As the evening passes we spend a while dancing. The Andrea part of me is a lot less self conscious about bopping around on a dance floor than the masculine part of me. Having said that, this is slowly beginning to seep through. My wife is discovering that I’m actually beginning to be willing to get up and dance a little when we get a chance to.


The place is beginning to get crowded. Not many tgirls, but that doesn’t bother me really. It’s nice to be out and about. My dancing skills still have a fair way to go ... but the lessons I had last time I was at Pink Punters have helped.

There are TV (television) screens all over the place playing videos of the music. It’s pretty much all new kind of stuff ... which to my aged ears sounds somewhat monotonous at times. I’m a seventies child. It means I don’t remember many of the songs. I didn’t know there was a new version of “Do Wah Diddy” floating around.

One of the few songs that were played that I have distinctive memories of is “I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It”. Laura had been expecting it to be played. I’d never heard it before, but it’s been going through my mind off and on for the past few days now. I just did a Google search for the lyrics. And amongst other things discovered this:

KATY PERRY’S SONG USED AS CHURCH WARNING TO TEENS

BLACKLICK, Ohio (AP) — A church near Columbus, Ohio, is using Katy Perry as a bad example. A sign outside Havens Corners Church in Blacklick has the lyrics from her song, “I kissed a girl and I liked it” — but it adds, “Then I went to hell.” Church pastor Reverend Dave Allison says the Bible is clear that homosexuality is a sin, so the sign is intended as a loving warning to teens. He says it’s confused some people who either don’t know the song or don’t understand the message. Lynne Bowman of the gay rights group Equality Ohio says the sign indicates the church isn’t very accepting. Perry has not responded to calls for comment.

Ah well ... I wonder how that squares for heterosexual tgirls?

We chat and sip at the drinks. Dance a bit more.

There is a guy that seems to fancy Laura a lot. But Laura just smiles politely and refuses the offer of a drink.

A guy sits beside us and begins to chat. His name is Graham. He says he’s an open minded kind of guy. Is looking for a relationship with someone he can communicate with well. We make it clear that we aren’t looking for relationships. But he buys us all a drink and doesn’t pester us.

Laura heads to the bar for the drinks ... and begins to chat with Anna.

Sonya (with a Y – not an I or a J) introduces herself. And her sister Michelle ... and other sister Nicola. Really nice girls.

“I’m drunk” smiles Sonya ... “so I’m just drinking water from now on.” In fact, she doesn’t seem so drunk at all.

Sonya ... fine tuniung a suspender ... not mine ... think pelmets!


Nicola, Michelle, me, Billie ...




“I’m driving.” says Michelle. So she isn’t even vaguely drunk.

They have to go soon ... it’s maybe 1:00 am now.

Sonya wants to stay a while and dance, but Michelle has to get some sleep and wake up again soon.

We go downstairs, abandoning the relative peace and quiet of the bar for the hustle and bustle of the dance floor. I’m still amazed that I can dance with 4.5 inch stiletto heels better than I do in flat shoes.

The three sisters have a rule. They go out together and they go home together. But Sonya wants to dance. Michelle and Nicky need to go. “You should stick to the rule” I tell Michelle. But Sonya says she’ll be fine and will get a taxi.

“I need to go to the loo” she says. “Come with me.” She takes my hand and guides me through the crowd. Down the stairs to the basement bar ... heavy, deep music ... and loos.

Guys find it kind of amusing that girls always seem to visit the “ladies” in pairs. No one ever seems to go alone.

This is, though, an experience I am new to when it comes to participation.

I’ve never entered a ladies loo hand in hand with anyone before. Actually, I’ve never entered a gents loo hand in hand with anyone either.

The whole experience makes me smile.

Sonya spends a while finding a cubicle that has a lock that actually fastens, then waves and says “wait for me, please”. I stand by the washbasins watching girls touching up their makeup and wait. In some outlandish kind of way it seems the most natural thing in the world for a girl to do.

We head back to the quiet bar and talk for a while with a few other people.

Some of the things I remember popping into the conversation.

“Other nightclubs round about are a bit like meat markets ... ”.

“Here you can talk or dance with a guy or a tgirl and not feel that all they want is to get into your panties.”

We talk about all kinds of stuff ... tgirls, families, kids, work ... life.

There are two tgirls at the bar that I know.

“Are they an item?”
“No ... not really.”
“FB’s?”
“FB’s?”
“F*** buddies.”
“Ahh ... well ... maybe.”
“You as well?”
“Nooooooo!”

Sonya is unusual in that she knows what .NET and C’# are.

She sees people as people ... even if they are tgirls.

A text message from Michelle ... checking that all is ok. Sonya gets asked to send a text when in the taxi and another one when at home. She sends a reply and says “Andie says hi”.

We compare fingernails. Hers look great ... and they aren’t false ... but they were done by a manicurist. When I discover how much it costs I decide that until I can keep them that way for day after day after day I’ll have to live with the nail polish.

Another dance. Sonya introduces me to Jamie the DJ. Then it’s time for the taxi. A goodbye kiss and a hug.

Back upstairs I join Laura who is chatting with Anna and Heather.

The person behind the bar is a guy ... Heather and Anna ask ... and he’s happy to tell.

Anna is a little unsteady on her feet.

“Hi darling ... what’s your name?”
“Andrea.”
“Hi Andrea.”
...
“Hi darling ... what’s your name?”
“Andrea.”
“Hi Andrea.”
...
“Hi darling ... what’s your name?”
“Andrea.”
“Hi Andrea.”

It’s a little like a time loop. I know. I watch too much Start Trek and Red Dwarf.

In amongst the loop we talk about other things as well. The cyclic nature of the conversation makes me smile.

In the background Katy Perry is kissing a girl again.

Then there is a competition ... the schnapps glasses get filled ... but not with schnapps. I opt out and giggle a little as Laura gets talked into joining in.

Heather and Anna drink theirs in one. Laura is not so successful. Heather finishes it off for her. Not an easy task though ... it seems Heather was expecting it to be banana flavoured but it turned out to be aniseed!

Heather talks. Everyday things that matter to her. Her mum passed away just over a year ago and there’s a lot of sadness in the memory still. A hug comes naturally.

She smiles at the irony of the fact that all the girls in view are wearing trousers. All the guys are wearing dresses.

It’s 5:00 am!

Anna manages to walk down the many steps without incident.

Outside there is a line of taxis. We say g’bye and head back for the hotel. It’s not raining so we take the long route and avoid the ditch again.

Another tgirl hardship is that even though it’s 5:00 am, sleep is still a fair way away. Makeup removal takes quite a while.

10:30 am and time to go. As we leave Laura happens to glance up and sees the smoke alarm in room 103. "Someone must have really needed a smoke" she says. And there you see it ... condoms seem to stop all kinds of things.


Overall, I loved it. The evening had started very quietly, but it livened up and there was a chance to dance a while and to meet some really nice people. And some first time experiences as well.

I hope to pop along again in the not so distant future.