Being the same … but different

The post at http://andrea-wright.blogspot.com/2009/05/street-brummie-and-bisexual.html provides some background on these musings.

I remember saying to Sally, my wife, in the early days of her knowing that I am a transvestite: I haven’t changed … I’m the same person.

I was reminded of this an episode of The Street recently. Different circumstances, but similar words.

It was true.

And yet, the discovery, the admission … the coming out … leads to change.

Changed perceptions.

Changed circumstances.

And these things lead to changed people. Changed Sally. Changed me.

In fact we were bound to change even without any admission of anything. Without any coming out.

People change.

The admission, the coming out, this, I think, contributes to the direction of the change.

There are things that I do now that I did not do or could not do before.

I have a blog with pictures of me.

I dress and wear makeup when I can without being afraid of being found out by my family.

I’m not afraid of Andrea being seen in an everyday kind of world.

I am able to accept the person that I am … and I am glad to be that person.

I know … I’m not perfect … there is a long, long, long way to go. But I no longer worry about the transgendered nature of my personality as being a defect that needs fixing.

I celebrate it.

All these things influence how I behave. They affect how I interact with people.

They allow me to more honestly and openly be myself.

This affects the way that people perceive me.

And this, perhaps, makes the question as to whether or not I am the same a little less relevant.

If the way that people perceive me has changed, then, so far as they are concerned, I am different.

So even at the beginning … when I first told Sally the I am the same… to her i was different.

In the end, maybe the thing that matters isn’t so much the I am the same person thing that is said at the beginning of discovery.

Maybe it is the what happens next that matters.

Are people happier?

More open.

More honest.

Less afraid.

Less secretive.

I have, still, a long way to go on this journey.

Many people that I know don’t know of Andrea.

Not everyone is ready. Not everyone could cope.

And yet … Andrea is not a different person. She is me. So even the people that do not know of her … actually .. they do know her … just not with the makeup and the frock.

And, though it is not my intention to offend or hurt anyone, I do not live in constant fear of discovery.

Almost revealed

A few weeks ago we spent a few days visiting daughters in Manchester followed by a few days in the Derbyshire Dales. A really nice time.

The weekend began with a meal on the curry mile - excellent food at excellent prices. Later that evening we drove to my brothers to spend some time there.

One of the things that I'd been pondering was whether to tell him about Andrea.

We arrived quite late. Brother was asleep in bed - early start for work the next day - but his wife (M) and a friend were chatting when we got there. We shared a few drinks and talked and talked and talked.

M's friend began to talk about the journey she'd made with M to take her daughter to University. They spent a night at a bed and breakfast hotel in Brighton. The (abbreviated version of the) story went something like this:

The hotel was OK ... but M really needs to be more discreet sometimes. When we arrived they mentioned there was a bar in the cellar ...

we went out to eat ... when we got back we thought we'd give the bar a try ... but ... omg .. we opened the door and the place seemed to be full of gay couples ... and ... on the stage was a six foot tall transvestite doing karaoke. M stood there ... mouth open ,... mouthing something ... totally and obviously astonished ... the tv came over and asked if we wanted to sing ...

It was sooooo funny. My wife said she didn't dare look at me ... to busy trying not to laugh too loud. So was I.

Well ... I decided that the revelation of Andrea's existence could wait for another day.

Stepping out a little further

Yesterday was another special day in the life of Andrea. I managed to contact a group of transvestites that meet each month not too far from home. It seems that there are quite a few things that happen not too far away.

Anyway, I emailed B who kind of organises some monthly meetings at a pub. (S)he also produces a monthly "whats on in the area" newsletter and she and her partner organise a monthly get together at their home.

It just so happened that having emailed my queries to B over the weekend I discovered that the next home get together was due for Tuesday 10 July 2007.

It meant that I needed some new shoes ... ones with smaller heels. This also proved to be an irresistible opportunity to buy other things ... I'm gradually becoming a shopaholic.

So ... I organised leaving work a little early yesterday ... and took a small case full of clothes and makeup. Not quite sure what to expect.

They say that "the devil is in the detail" ... but sometimes it seems there are angels in there as well.

Over and over I am discovering that the transgendered community that I'm getting to know are the sweetest and friendliest that I have ever met. I guess it's possible to come up with a multitude of theories and reasons as to why this might be. But really, at the moment, the reality of the friendliness matters a lot more to me than the causes of it.

It was the first time that a self-made-up Andrea had been seen outside of home. That in itself is a special thing to me.

B and his/her wife said that they'd really love to invite myself and my wife over for a meal sometime. Just to provide my wife with a chance to get to know people in similar circumstances without being faced by a whole group of trannies.

And my wife is OK with the idea as well. That means a lot to me. It's not easy to put into words. I think it's in knowing that the Andrea in me doesn't have to be marginalised. That my wife is OK with being a part of the Andrea in me.

I chatted with B and his wife a while last night. mentioning the way that my own wife has said how less stressed and irritable I have been since I "came out". This isn't such an unusual thing. B's wife said something along the lines of ... well ... in a way when you are dressed you are different.

I've been thinking about that today. And yes, there is an element of truth in it. When I am dressed I don't even vaguely think about the hassles of the work day. It's a way of shedding burdens. Kind of therapeutic I guess. So, as well as being an opportunity to express an inner part of me that I've kept hidden for so many years ... it's also a way of letting go of some of the not-so-nice parts of the day.

B also said that if I'd like to go out for a meal or a drink with her, or shopping ... then she'd be happy to do that. I'm really looking forwards to taking her up on that.

At the meal last night there were quite a few girls that needed to change before setting off back home ... wash off the makeup .. remove the nail varnish ... become drab (dressed as a bloke) again. Mostly this was because of wives / partners that didn't know, or children being home.

I'd decided that I would drive home as Andrea. That was such a relaxed experience. Not having to worry about hiding myself before I got home.

As time passes I'm becoming less and less concerned about people discovering that Andrea exists.

I don't want to upset people ... but also I need to be able to be myself.

Ultimately if people decide that they cannot live with the concept of Andrea ... then really it means that they cannot live with the concept of me. Handling this might be seriously difficult at times ... but I know that pretending that Andrea doesn't exist is even more seriously difficult.