I wonder if one day I will understand myself. I suspect not. But that doesn't worry me most of the time.
Taking my almost regular lunchtime stroll today I was thinking about the place that cross dressing has in my life. At times it's helpful to think of it in terms of being a kind of hobby. That seems to be especially so in terms of dealing with the urge to buy shoes and clothes. Seeing it as a hobby and setting a budget helps manage that.
Having said that, Andrea isn't a hobby to me. Andrea is me ... an aspect of me. I don't know how to express this really. I don't understand how it all fits together.
There was a time when cross dressing meant black lingerie and sexual arousal. That was the reason that I did it. At least that's how it seemed at the time.
The transition from that to wearing skirts, blouses, dresses ... and the eventual sharing of that with my wife led to the discovery of something different. It's not about sexual arousal. It's about being myself.
And yet I don't feel a need to dress or wear makeup all the time. It's more of a desire to just express something sometimes. About being free to do that sometimes.
It's nice to be at a place in life where I feel more free to be myself than I ever remember being before.
We have afternoon tea at work on Wednesdays. A new lady just joined the company and during the chatting over tea R suggested that over the coming few weeks everyone takes a turn at sharing something new about themselves. I'm not brave enough to stand up and say to everyone ... "Hello ... my name is Andrea and I'm a transvestite". But who knows ... one day!