More than music

A little while ago I mentioned the music of Emily Maguire.

After listening to Emily's music quite a lot and watching her play at The Slaughtered Lamb in London :

we booked tickets to a gig at the Sakya Buddhist Centre in Bristol on Saturday December 8 2018.

The day didn't go completely as planned.

The Andrea plan ran something like this:

• 14:50 to 16:20 - do the makeup
• 16:20 to 18:00 - drive to Bristol and find somewhere to eat
• 18:00 to 19:30 - eat somewhere in Bristol - Gloucester Road maybe?
• 19:30 to 19:45 - get to the venue
• 19:45 to 20:00 - mingle and wait around at the venue
• 20:00 to ??:?? (whenever things wind up) - enjoy the poetry and music
• ??:?? to ??:?? + 94 minutes - drive home

At 15:00 all is well. The makeup doesn't really take 90 minutes to apply. There is certainly more to life than makeup.

Denim skirt + blouse + cardigan? Or dress and shawl?

I consult my fashion adviser (aka Sally). The dress wins - though the shawl isn't so popular an item.

Shaving takes way longer than on a non-Andrea day.

And then there's all the other stuff.

Cleansing lotion with cotton wool.

Moisturiser with fingers.

Primer with fingers.

Pause. Panties. Tights. Bra. Falsies.

Red door.

Lipstick with a concealer brush around my mouth. It acts like a concealer to hide the inevitable pre-bristly grey shadow that asserts itself as time passes.

Foundation with a foundation brush.

Powder. On with a powder puff. Off with a brush.

Shadow with a shadow brush. More shadow with a shadow brush.

Liner under the eyes with a stick. Ober the eyes with a pen.

Mascara with the spiky thing that mascara comes provided with.

Blush with a blush brush.

Lipstick with an applicator.

Dress.

Shawl.

Necklace.

Hair.

Earrings.

Watch.

Rings.

Bracelet.

Lip gloss.

Flat shoes - for driving.

Andrea pops her house keys into the handbag. "I've got the keys" she calls out as Sally puts her coat on.

Andrea checks that the tickets are there.

Her purse - complete with money, credit cards, drivers licence.

Bits and pieces of makeup.

Phone.

The kind of things that belong in a handbag.

Pitter patter raindrops lead her to collect an umbrella.

And pick up her coat.

Some not so flat shoes, which have nothing much to do with the weather but look nicer than the flat ones.

She opens the rear door of the car and unloads her arms onto the seat.

Sally closes the house door. Climbs into the passenger seat.

The new TomTom is pre-programmed. She speaks with the computer-voice of Serena.

Off they go.

Innocently unaware that the tits-up experience is only minutes away.

Serena doesn't seem to be traffic-aware. Andrea decides it's time for a pep-talk.

It goes something like this - with contributions from Andrea, Serena and Sally.

"Hello Tom-Tom."

Silence.

Louder than before: "Hello Tom-Tom"

"Hello. I'm listening."

Beep.

"Activate phone."

"No phone is connected."

A pause.

"Hello Tom-Tom."

"Hello. I'm listening."

Beep.

"Activate phone."

"No phone is connected."

A longer pause.

"Please can you check my phone. In my handbag on the back seat."

"I can't find it".

"It should be there."

"I can't find it."

Andrea pulls over and parks.

"Let me see".

Beside the shoes? Beside the umbrella? Under the coat? On the floor? Under the seats?

No. No. No. No. No.

"Oh. Maybe it dropped onto the driveway?"

Inside a thought bubble: "I hope".

Five minutes driving.

Serena suggests that a U-turn would be a good idea.

The driveway is bare.

Andrea begins to wonder.

"When I picked up my coat, the umbrella and my shoes - what happened top the handbag."

Well - maybe it didn't get as far as the car.

Sally is amazingly at peace.

He handbag is complete with phone.

Unfortunately it has no keys.

Andrea was pretty clear that she had them.

In her handbag.

Unfortunately.

Andrea doesn't have her handbag.

Time for a chat with Google.

"I'm locked out of my house."

"Locksmiths - 24 hour callout."

17:00 the locksmiths are called.

"We can have someone with you in 60 to 90 minutes."

Tesco sandwiches rather than a Gloucester Road restaurant.

17:30 the pone rings.

"We should be with you in an hour."

BP provides some diesel.

17:57

"We'll be about 30 minutes."

Serena is connected.

"Oh ...".

The alarm is false. Bluetooth is capable of reaching through the front door and shaking hands with Andrea's phone.

"Hello TomTom".

"Hello. I'm listening.

Beep.

"Activate phone."

"Phone activated."

Beep.

"Mmm."

Sally phones Andrea.

Serena rings.

Serena is turned off.

Sally phones Andrea.

The sound comes from the hall table.

Sally and Andrea are amazed that they didn't try this a long time ago.

But it would have made no difference.

18:28 the cavalry arrive.

Andrea explains the position.

The locksmith bats no eyelids and sets to work.

18:35 the door is open. Handbag and it's goodies are retrieved. The papers are signed.

Andrea has keys.

Sally has keys.

18:45 journey recommences.

"Only Andrea would have done that."

"What?"

"Left home without a key."

Andrea ponders on this. Maybe its a shortage of pockets and an excess of handbags?

Serena is exceptionally helpful.

It rains. And rains. And rains some more.

20:08 arrival.

20:12 The room is pretty full, Sally apologises for being late.

"Emily hasn't come down yes."

At that moment, Emily comes down the stairs and heads for the microphone where Christian, complete with double bass, awaits her.

Andrea and Sally sit on cushions on the floor and enjoy the music and the poetry.

It's especially nice to hear some of the history behind how the book of poetry came into existence and how some of the songs came to be written.

If I'm remembering this correctly, Emily said that before writing The Borderline she'd gone through a long period where she hadn't been able to write anything. It was suggested she try waking  very early sometime, spend some time meditating and then see what happened. And this, The Borderline was born. At the moment it's a song that is very special to me.

The music is more than just music. The poetry is more than just words.

After the music is all over Andrea says thank you to Emily. Buys a book complete with autograph. A small glass of red wine. A chat. A thank you to Christian.

And the journey home ... with a renewed commitment to making sure that there is always a key available somewhere for the next time.

Documentaries, Café Rouge and more documentaries

Things have been busy over the past few weeks.

On Sunday November 25th there was a Surrey Swans meeting where we were visited by Nate, Harri, Alex,Terrell, Evie and Elisha from the University for Creative Arts who were putting together a documentary as part of a project for the course that they are studying.

On Monday December 3rd I spent a lovely evening with Tina, Susie and Chloe at Café Rouge in Windsor. It’s always lovely to meet up. And here we are … Chloe, Andrea, Susie and Tina:

Part way through the evening we talked about identity and who we are. Susie shared a simple and yet profound truth. She said that really, she is just herself. She’s not a label. And that is true. It really is.

On Wednesday December 5th I visited UCA in Farnham as a follow up to the documentary. It involved some filming and chatting with people involved with the Trans society there. I found that to be really helpful for me. It was really special to share some thoughts and feelings with younger Trans people. It reminded me a bit of Emily Maguires Song, The Borderline in that we each knew that the borderlines are things that people invent and that really each of us is just a person. The fact that we are trans is an incidental thing. Mainly, we are just people.

Emily Maguire and Borderlines

Earlier this year whilst driving home from work I was listening to a programme on Radio 4 presented by Cherylee Houston that included an interview with Emily Maguire. You can listen to it here:

I found the interview itself really interesting and was captivated by Emily's music.

Sally and I went along to a concert of Emily's at the Slaughtered Lamb, a pub in London. It was great.

Recently I've been challenged by my own attitude towards the concepts of LGBT (maybe with a Q and an I) and TRANS (maybe with a *) and myself ... as illustrated a bit by this post that I made.

Then back in September I mentioned a questionnaire that was part of a study that is “interested in what might encourage LGBTQIA people to help groups under the umbrella that they are not necessarily a part of.”

A short while after writing that I first listened to an (old) song by Emily Maguire. The title is The Borderline. It's here:

And the words are here.

The Borderline
[E.Maguire]

Where is the borderline
The boundary between your tribe and mine
Are we the rain, the river, the cloud and the sea
If we are like water then which drop is me

And what is time – the fast blink of an eye
A circle so vast that we think it’s a line
And what is space – the air, the silence we breathe
A place of our own and the ghosts we don’t see Is it the boundary, the borderline
Between you and I, your mind and mine

Is fire the spark, the fuel, the air or the heat
The smoke in your eyes or the ash at your feet
Are trees the root, the branch, the wood or the leaves
The forest we burn or the broom that we keep
Beneath the stairs, the stars, the space in a jar The air outside is that where you are
Is that the borderline, the boundary
Between you and I, between your tribe and mine

But isn’t fear the dark shadow of hope
The things that we want and the things that we don’t
And so we cling and close the eyes that look in,
The soul we don’t see under the skin
Cos that’s a boundary, the borderline
Between you and I, between your tribe and mine

But we both were born and both will die
And in between will doubt and dream
Of a better life than life before
A meaning or a reason for
This feeling of being different, defined
When we are only dreaming of boundaries and borderlines
I hope we wake up

Cos what is love – a word, the feeling of you
Something we dream or the things that we do
And who am I – these thoughts, this feeling, my views
A fragile form or a dreamer like you
Are we so different, defined
Where is the borderline?

When we are like water, like trees
We have a name, an illusion of identity
Of boundaries, of borderlines
But my dreams are yours and your fears are mine
I hope we wake up from this dream of being different, defined
When we are only space and time

I love the music and the lyrics. The emphasis on things we have in common. The way that it quietly discredits the kind of tribalism that can lead to conflict.

It challenges me.

In December Sally and I are aiming to be in Bristol for one of the events of Emily's "Meditation Mind" Poetry & Song tour which we're looking forwards to a lot. I'm especially looking forwards to hearing The Borderline live.

A Questionnaire

I recently received an email from someone who is working on a Master’s Degree, asking if I could publicise an online questionnaire which is here: https://keelepsych.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_0976YtCkEBdMxyR

The questionnaire is part of a study that is “interested in what might encourage LGBTQIA people to help groups under the umbrella that they are not necessarily a part of.”

I spent a while completing the survey myself and included information on it in one of the regular emails that I send to people that come along to Surrey Swans. At the recent Surrey Swans meeting I also talked a bit about some of the questions that the process of completing the survey raised in my own mind and ways in which it made me think about how I see myself and how I see the LGBT “community”.

To take part in the survey a person needs to:

• Identify as a member of the LGBTQIA community (i.e. you are not heterosexual and/or your gender identity does not match the one you were assigned at birth)
• Live in any region of the UK or Cyprus
• Be at least 18 years old

If those bullet points apply to you and you have a bit of time to spare I recommend you give the questionnaire a go. It’s here.

Trans* - what’s in an asterisk?

I recently received an email from someone planning to do some research on experiences that trans* people have had with the British criminal justice system.

I’d not seen the use of the * at the end of trans much before – although it has apparently been used in some circles for quite a while.

At first I looked for a footnote at the end of the email explaining what “trans”meant. The way that some books use an * to indicate that there is a footnote. But there wasn’t one.

Then, having a background in computer software I thought maybe it means trans-anything. In some computer environments an * at the end of a word means anything that starts with that word.

Here it says that trans* is:

An umbrella term to include folks who identify as transgender, transsexual, and other identities where a person does not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. It is a placeholder for suffixes of trans, that is, trans_____. The asterisk (*) is standing in for *gender, *sexual, *feminine, *masculine, *folks, *person, *guy, *girl, *woman, and *man.

But it also says:

It is also inclusive of identities that do not start with the prefix “trans,” but can be understood as under the trans* umbrella. These identities include, but are not limited to, genderqueer, bigender, third gender, genderf*ck, gender fluid, genderless, MtF, FtM, Two Spirit, non-binary, androgynous, and masculine of center (MOC). While all of these identities are distinct from one other, each can be understood as under the trans* umbrella because the folks who identify with them do not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth and/or are “queering” (deviating from norms; blurring) gender expectations and assumptions.

And continues with:

A note on usage: the identities above are all self-identifying terms. It is not for you to say then, “Well, I read a blog post that said genderqueer people are trans*, so if you identify as genderqueer you are trans*, whether you think so or not.”
Respect the words that people use to describe themselves by using those same words to describe them and not questioning their use of the terms.

That last part makes it a bit difficult, and I’m not sure that the example that’s used makes sense. Even though each of the individual terms are a matter of self-identification, if the word trans* is an umbrella term for them all then by self-identifying as any one of the things included in the umbrella it’s difficult to see the logic in saying that the umbrella term is inappropriate without redefining the umbrella term. And if the meaning of the umbrella term keeps changing then the umbrella term becomes less and less useful. I know, I’m beginning to form sentences reminiscent of Sir Humphrey Appleby.

In some circles, trans (without the *) means all of the above. So is the * really needed?

Here at the Trans Student Educational Resources web site there’s an article about Why We Used Trans* and Why We Don’t Anymore.

And here Julia Serano has a blog post dated August 2015 Regarding Trans* and Transgenderism. Julia says:

In the last few months, I have become aware of a new claim: Trans* is apparently trans-misogynistic. I am not sure where this originated, but it seems to have garnered steam (a recent google search using “asterisk” and “transmisogyny” revealed numerous pages of results to this effect). According to a recent post by Tobi Hill-Meyer (that I encourage you to check out), she summarizes the current arguments being made against trans* this way: “that female assigned genderqueers popularized it as a way to prioritize their issues at the expense of trans women.” But she then goes on to talk about many previous incarnations of the trans* in “2010, 2007, 2003, and 1998” when it was forwarded by trans women to circumvent “transsexual vs. transgender” infighting that was occurring in those settings at that time. The last paragraph of her post really resonated with me:

“I'm not really invested in whether or not people use [trans*]. I don't feel it's important enough to fight over. But seeing the way people talk about it now makes me sad that the trans community seems to have a historical memory permanently limited to only 2-4 years back.”

Julia then makes an interesting point that:

The word trans* is not inherently inclusive or trans-misogynistic. Rather, like all words, it gets its meaning from the way in which people use it. And it may be utilized towards positive or negative ends. Just because some people may use it in an exclusionary way doesn’t mean that the word itself disparaging or exclusionary.

This fits in with my understanding about how words and labels work. It’s all about how they are used and the motives and agendas that people have in using them.

There’s a way in which “umbrella” terms begin to lack usefulness as more and more people get included under the umbrella, and some of them begin to get dischuffed about sharing it.

I know people who self-identify as transsexual and others that identify as transvestite. There is no doubt that they have things in common. They are people. They identify as individuals that are part of minority groups that have a history being persecuted and of being misunderstood. They typically dress in a way that is associated with a gender that is different than their birth-gender (and the use of the term birth-gender in this context is open to debate). So they share an umbrella. Yet, with these things in common there are also some significant differences. These differences mean that some people prefer to be under a different umbrella.

When I began writing this blog I self-identified as a t-girl or transvestite. These days I tend towards gender-fluid. The main reason really is that most of the time if I sat to someone “I’m gender-fluid” they ask me about what that means. Which means I can tell them about what it means to me rather than what that label (or umbrella) means to them. On the other hand, people have a tendency to think they know what transvestite means, and just go along with their own understanding of the label (umbrella) without asking questions.

Having said all of that, personally speaking, I find the term trans (as an abbreviation for transgender(ed)) useful – with or without the *. I understand that the umbrella is quite large and it does cover groups of people that are significantly different from each other. But each individual is a person that is living their life in a way that tends to challenge societies stereotypical views on gender. And it provides some kind of context for terms such as transphobia.  And generally, if I tell a person that I am transgender(ed) they’ll ask me what does that mean exactly – which gives me an opportunity to explain to them that it doesn't exactly mean anything, because, of course, umbrella terms never do. In the same way that a * at the end of a search term in some computer environments isn’t searching for something that is exactly anything. It’s more about finding things that are a bit like something.

Trans Identification and Feminism

There’s been a fair amount in the news lately about an apparent conflict between feminism and trans rights.

I just read an article here by Kristina Harrison, a transwoman, in the Economist.

At the moment I’m in a different place on the transgender spectrum than is Kristina, but on balance I agree with her.

In a perfect world, perhaps the concept of gender self identification would work.

But I think that Kristina is right when she says the following … assuming that by the trans movement’s current agenda she is talking about the idea of gender self-identification:

“women and girls, as a sex, are vulnerable to males, who are on average bigger, stronger, more assertive and more violent. It is women’s experience of sexism and misogyny, and their struggle against them, not bigotry, that overwhelmingly motivates opposition to the trans movement’s current agenda.”

If it were possible to trust the motives and intentions of all people all of the time, then gender self-identification would work. But I have a feeling that the motives and intentions are not always trustworthy, and the concept of self-identification is, therefore, flawed.

In the end, wherever possible, I think that people who are vulnerable need to be protected.

I don’t think that this is about toilets and restrooms.

I believe that there’s a lot of discussion and debate ahead.

But in the discussion and the debate there is no place for disrespect or physical or verbal abuse. If the only way of winning an argument is by disrespect or violence or abuse, it means that in reality the argument is lost.

A visit to Guildford Police Station

May 31st was the day a group of us from Surrey Swans set for a visit to Guildford Police Station.

In April I’d received an email from Robin, who works there asking if I’d be prepared to visit them and talk about Transgender issues and how they could assist us should we come into contact with the police.

Robin also mentioned that it would be fine if other people came along as well and said that things that would be useful to talk about were things like:

How you discovered that you were Trans. Problems you’ve come across, how you’ve been accepted, or not, whether you’ve been victimised because of it, whether you’ve reported issues to Police and how they responded and how we can do things better ?

We agreed on a date of May 31st and ‘Chelle, Linda, Rose, Amanda and Cynthia said that they’d like to come along as well.

In the event, work commitments meant that Cynthia couldn’t make it.

I’d spent a while thinking about what I’d like say and wrote it down to try and estimate how long it would take to say it, and to try and keep myself from running off at tangents.

I was keen, as well, to provide some tome for everyone else to share some of their own thoughts and experiences.

We met at the Friary shopping centre in Guildford at about 11:00 am for coffee and a chat, and then headed for the police station to arrive there at about 11:50 … it’s a short 10 minute walk. We were met by Robin. Spent a few minutes signing in and headed up to the meeting room on the 7th floor.

Almost 30 people turned up to listen to us. We were a bit surprised. And impressed as well, that so many people would give up their own time to coma along and listen to us.

We spent a little over 30 minutes sharing thoughts and experiences. And had a lovely response from people afterwards.

Hermann, one of the officers at Surrey Police (the tall one in the picture) spent some time sharing about the way that their work is about safeguarding and assisting people.

We spent quite a while eating bread rolls and soup and chatting. It was especially good in that lots of people (including we five visitors) said it had been a useful time and that we’d learned important things.

For me, and I believe also for others, it had been a really valuable time.

Here’s a picture taken after the the talking and before the soup and bread rolls:

If you’re interested in the kind of things that we said, then here is some of it:

Robin (front centre in the picture) introduced us and explained a bit about what we were likely to be talking about.

The script that I worked from was this:

Hello

• Good afternoon, I’m Andrea
• And here are: Chelle, Linda, Amanda and Rose
• We are trans or transgender
• But more than that we are just people
• Each of us have been involved in one way or another with Surrey Swans
• A place where trans people, friends and partners meet socially once a month in Ash

Firstly

• I’d like to begin by saying thank you
• Jo and Michelle came along to Surrey Swans back in 2014 along with Carol (from New Patch) to talk with us about what you do … so it’s nice to return the visit
• When I mentioned this meeting to people at Surrey Swans, I got very positive feedback about the police force … about you.
• We know that what you do makes a difference to people. It makes a difference to us.
• What you do is not just a job
• Isn’t it strange, yesterday I was thinking, there are times when I’m driving and I see a police car, and I feel anxiety. My mind fills with stuff like “I hope my break likes are working. But as Andrea When I see a police officer I feel safe
• So, thank you

A definition of Transgender / Trans is that it is an umbrella term used to cover numerous types of gender identity such as:

• Transsexual
• Transvestite
• Non-binary
• Bi-gendered
• Non-gendered
• Genderfluid
• … etc.
• that’s a lot of diversity

A question:

• How many people here meet trans people on a regular basis?

You know though, whatever trans is:

• Trans is people
• Individual people with unique stories and life experiences
• Not all trans people agree with each other even on all things trans
• I, and all of us here, are not representing the trans community – mainly we are just sharing personal experiences and thoughts

My story … which is different from everyone else’s

Childhood, which was a long time ago. I remember:

• I confusion
• experimentation with clothing

Growing up, as a student and then later, I remember

• Confusion
• What it was all about?
• Just a fetish?
• Becoming a Christianity
• Was it sinful?
• Should I feel guilty?
• Feeling guilty.
• Buying things
• Throwing things away
• Repenting
• Keeping secrets
• Feeling ashamed

By 2006 or so

• The internet – communication with strangers
• I wasn’t the only person in the world like this
• Telling anonymous people
• Buying clothing that was more than underwear
• Someone asking if my wife knew
• Letting my wife find out
• Her coming to terms with it and accepting me
• Neither of us understanding
• Trying makeup and lipstick - Try it sometime … there’s all kinds of possibilities for total disaster.
• Seeing an advertisement for a makeover, clothes and pictures
• Going along
• Being encouraged to tell my wife all about it
• Meeting myself
• Crying
• Telling my children, family, friends
• Learning to be myself
• Working out that really, it’s just about who I am
• If I have a label it’s Genderfluid - People say “what’s that” rather than just go along with a likely incorrect stereotype

And some experiences

• A preacher in Manchester
• A piece of banana at the Arndale centre in Manchester
• Being called a “She-man” in Windsor
• A drunken man in Peascod street in Windsor
• A drunken man in Weatherspoon’s in Manchester
• A visit to Surrey Swans by Surrey police LAGLO’s Swans
• Police officers at Sparkle
• Strangers that say nice things
• Acceptance by friends, family, church people

Linda, Rose and Amanda then shared some of their thoughts and experiences.

And a few more points to finish:·

• Trans people are really just people
• Not a label, a problem or an issue to be dealt with (being trans is not really about bathrooms)

In common with other people:

• Each of us is unique, with our own life stories, fears and dreams
• Sometimes we are still in the process of trying to discover ourselves, understand ourselves and accept ourselves
• We don’t always act logically and sensibly
• We sometimes suffer from uncertainty, stress, confusion, fear and vulnerability

We (all people, not just trans people) mostly just want to be free to be ourselves.

So, in dealing with trans people, as with anyone else, it’s great, whenever possible, to:

• Be polite to us
• Treat us with dignity and courtesy
• Use the pronouns (he, she, they ...) that we prefer. If uncertain then ask us
• Consider our physical and emotional condition
• Be aware that there is a possibility that we are feeling afraid and vulnerable. Talk to us to find out about our own situation.
• Explain what’s happening and why it’s happening
• Try to understand us

And we, on our part, will try to do all of these things when we meet you, because we know that you are people just as much as we are

What we want … what we need … each of us in this room

• To be treated with respect, as we in turn, treat others with respect
• To be listened to just as we listen
• To be accepted … or at least not be intimidated or hated … just as we are accepting

And finally from me:

• Thank you again for listening
• And at Surrey Swans we’re keen to maintain good links with the police service, so pay us a visit soon
• And … ask us questions …

Chelle then shared some thoughts and experiences. She also raised a question as to the kind of definition of “trans” that the police use when safeguarding trans people. We were reassured that the definition is the same one that we talked about near the beginning of the session.