Sunday was a lazy kind of day. I dressed in the morning and stayed that way most of the day.
Younger daughter got back from her weekend away a lot later than expected.
There's a strange kind of potential conflict that I feel at times. For the time being at least I don't think I can be Andrea while she is around. That doesn't mean that I don't want her around. But I do want to be able to take the opportunities that I have to dress. So I'm interested in how long she will be gone ... when she'll get back. Really though, I don't want this to be a big issue.
Sometimes I do stop and think ... what's the purpose in all this? How do I relate to Andrea? How does Andrea relate to me?
The only answers I get are that there is no conflict. I am Andrea. Andrea is me. Just different aspects of the same person.
Driving back from work yesterday was strange somehow. For no particular reason that I can think of I just felt kind of silly. Crazy. Why does a grown man want to dress like a woman? What's the point of it?
I don't know the answers to these questions.
Once, in my born again days I would have picked up a Bible and looked for answers there. And sometimes that worked. I remember one time ... must have been in 1975 ... I was feeling perplexed and uneasy. I remember reading Psalm 94:19 ... when the cares of my heart are many, Thy consolations cheer my soul. Those words meant a lot to me over many years, I still remember them and where they are written. At the time in 1975 I was falling in love. The relationship didn't last, but the words did for a long time.
Yesterday I remember thinking I need someone to say to me ... it's OK to be Andrea.
Within myself I believe that it is OK. It is OK to be me. I don't want to be anyone else.