Funerals, Poems, Hymns, Jokes, Star Trek and Books

The funeral last week was a sad … moving time … but not without hope. At the beginning the 10cc song Rubber Bullets was played. The vicar is a lady … Sally knows her fairly well. Michael was well known for his love of animals … the first hymn was All things bright and beautiful. Louise, the vicar, read words from Michael’s dad, mum and sister. This was, for me, the most moving part of the day. In amongst the sadness, many happy memories were shared.
Louise spoke about Mary, Martha, Lazarus and Jesus. And especially of the words if only and Jesus wept. The futility of the if only and the specialness of the weeping. She even gave the outline of a Vicar of Dibley joke … just the outline because the whole thing wasn’t quite suited to the occasion … the one about the nun and the blind man. She said it was the only one she could remember … something that we have in common. It's really worth watching ... even if you've seen it before:

There was a poem … the text is is:

He is Gone
You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I think that these words capture something special and positive that can be taken from death … by focusing more on life.
And the hymn Dear Lord and Father of Mankind … which is one that would make me cry at times - even on happy occasions. I remember the first time I heard it … in a music lesson at school when I was aged … perhaps 14 … selected by Janet Taylor as her favourite hymn when the music teacher was asking people for favourites. Janet Taylor, has, I think, had a previous mention elsewhere in this blog … she wore the shortest skirt in the class.
I still find the hymn very moving.

Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways.
Re-clothe us in our rightful mind,
In purer lives thy service find,
In deeper reverence praise.

In simple trust like theirs who heard,
Beside the Syrian sea,
The gracious calling of the Lord,
Let us, like them, without a word
Rise up and follow thee.

O Sabbath rest by Galilee!
O calm of hills above,
Where Jesus knelt to share with thee
The silence of eternity,
Interpreted by love.

Drop thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of thy peace.

Breathe through the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire,
O still small voice of calm.

There was also The Lord is my Shepherd.
At the end, The Eagles with Hotel California.
And then the drive to the crematorium. And back to the church for a while.
A few days ago I was watching an old episode of Star Trek – The Next Generation. It had to be an old one, I guess, since there aren’t any new ones. The title is The Bonding.and a big part of it is about coping with bereavement. This scene, in particular, is – to me at any rate – quite thought provoking:

The dialog between Data and Ryker is:

D: Excuse me sir, am I intruding?
R: No, sit down.
D: How well did you know Lieutenant Aster?
R: We spent some time together. Not very well. How well did you know her?
D: Why do you ask?
R: Well you just asked me.
D: But, why do you ask the question? Since her death I have been asked several times to define “How well” I knew Lieutenant Aster. And I heard you ask Wesley on the bridge “How well” he knew Jeremy. Does the question of familiarity have some bearing on death?
R: Do you remember how we all felt when Tasha died?
D: I do not sense the same feelings of absence that I associate with Lieutenant Yarr. Although I cannot say precisely why.
R: It’s just human nature, Data.
D: Human nature sir?
R: We feel a loss more intensely when it’s a friend
D: But should not the feelings run just as deep regardless of who has died?
R: Maybe they should, Data. Maybe if we felt any loss as keenly as we felt the death of one close to us human history would be a lot less bloody.

How right they are.
Today the book that Dani recommended arrived A New Kind of Christianity so I’m looking forwards to reading that over the coming days … though I think it might be a struggle to keep it away from Sally who has expressed an interest in reading it.

Pink Punters, Surrey Swans, TV Dinners, Ten Pin Bowling, Fingernails, Life, Death and Ecclesiastes

Since last writing things have been busy in a mostly nice kind of way.

Pink Punters on 4th December with Laura was a really nice evening. For a surprisingly long time we felt a little like the only TV’s in the village … but as the evening progressed more people arrived.

The photographer for the evening took these:

Laura and Andrea

And again …

 

The originals being here and here. And lots of the whole evening being here.

We talked a fair bit about life and the universe and things. Things that matter to us. Where we’ve come from. And the at peace kind of feeling that we have in being able to be ourselves.

It’s kind of interesting … we both see ourselves as transvestites and not transsexuals … and yet we bot feel that the girl in us is much nicer than the guy. Somehow there’s a sense of peace in Andrea that isn’t quite there in the masculine side of me.

There were no unusual incidents in the ladies.

On one trip to the dance floor a guy waved at me for some reason and we danced a little with a few of the girls there. A girl said she liked my dress a lot and asked where I’d got it … and we admired each others shoes.

A guy that had drunk rather a lot … or at least it seemed that way … came and sat beside Laura and started chatting. It wasn’t easy to make out what he was saying. After he put his hand on Laura’s leg a couple of times she explained to him he needed to keep his hands to himself. So he wandered off. No unpleasantness. And … well … Laura does have very nice legs.

We headed back to the hotel a little before 4:00 am so it was a relatively early night as nights at Pink Punters go.

The Sunday before that had been an evening at the Surrey Swans. Good to catch up a little with Billie and Kathie, Tina and Emma and others.

The Tuesday after (December 7th) was a Christmas TV dinner at Billie and Kathie’s. As always … excellent food and company. Nikki was there and had plenty to share about trips to all kinds of interesting places. It was great to see Laura, Julia, Tina and Katie as well as others. I was all red and white.. I’d borrowed a Christmas hat of Sally’s to wear so it was quite funny and sweet to see Laura wearing a very similar one. You know the kind … red with white fur trimmings and a white ball kinda thing hanging from the pointy bit. I think it was Nikki that said something about it being impolite to play with each others balls. We just smiled in an innocent girlie kind of way.

Last Saturday we were invited out to the Sunningdale Savoy Chorus Gilbert & Sullivan and Christmas Music evening by Anne and David. Two lovely people that Sally met quite a log time ago and I’ve known for quite a few years now as well. I occasionally help them out when they have computer problems and they are so sweet … they absolutely insist on making contributions to what Anne affectionately refers to as my “dresses fund”. The music was very good. The MC introduced one of the Christmas songs as being one of his favourites … In the Bleak Midwinter. This was also one of mine in days gone by. Especially the verses:

Our God, heaven cannot hold Him, nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign.
In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed
The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.

These days I sit and listen to songs such as this … quietly wondering.

Towards the end of the evening we sat and drank and chatted a while. David and I wondered a little about where everything came from … big bangs … infinite universes … butterfly effects. And decided that really … we have no idea. Life is such a tenuous kind of thing.

Sally and I had some difficult words. I wish I was more Andrea more of the time. Not so much in a dressed up or made up kind of sense.

Yesterday the company night out was at a bowling alley in Slough. Ten pin bowling is not good for a girls fingernails … even when the girl is a guy. But … I scored a lifetime best … and top score of the evening. But … my poor nails. 

On Thursday is the funeral of Michael. His mum is staying with us tonight and tomorrow. There are no words to say. Perhaps there is a God that can help us all make sense of it someday. Over Christmas I’ll have a chance to read the book recommended by Dani that will, perhaps, help me make some kind of sense of it.

Life is such a mixture. It reminds me of a passage in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible:

To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; 
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; 
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; 
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; 
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; 
A time of war, and a time of peace.

Or as it is here:

Somehow though, I think the thing is to try and work out some kind of way to have some kind of inner peace in all of this. But I don’t know how to do that.

Alone or together?

This afternoon I took a late lunch break and a walk.

It’s cold here at the moment … though the term “cold” is a relative kind of one. A friend in Norway told me that it was –15 degrees C there … making here seem quite warm.

Every so often when I’m walking I wonder about things. In a kind of random way, I guess.

I still kind of struggle with the concept of God. Some of the thoughts …

What’s the point of life? Where does it come from? Does it go anywhere?

How come Paul the apostle got to have a visit from Jesus on the Damascus road whilst most people have a whole lot less evidence to base eternity upon?

How could God be aware of everyone … everywhere … all at the same time … and be interested in them?

Last night I took a look at the King James Version website guest book to see what was new there.

People concerned about the possibility of losing their salvation. Of weather a lady is allowed to wear pants. Not a million miles away from me wondering if a guy is allowed to wear lipstick and a skirt.

These are all pretty basic questions that I used to have answers to. Kind of.

I have answers to less of them now. And the answers to some are different than they used to be.

Tonight when I got home my daughter Katie broke the news that the son of a friend had been found dead today. Sally was out at the boy’s grandmothers. No one knows details of the cause yet.

A lady that used to teach Sarah and Katie died of cancer just recently.

I guess I am in a sombre mood. Not depressed. But sombre.

Last Sunday, at the Surrey Swans I was chatting with Laura and mentioned the conversation I’d had with Jan and Jan’s husband at the wedding the other week.

Laura asked me if it was the fact that I’m a TV that causes me problems with the idea of God and / or the Church.

As my friend Dani mentioned to me recently, God is not the Church and the Church is not God.

As I said to Laura, it’s not just the TV thing. There are other things as well. I think they are associated more with the Church concept of God than necessarily with God. But in lots of ways they are problems with my own concept of God based on my own beliefs when I was involved with the Church. So it’s a little mixed up.

For example. These days I don’t think that all manifestations of pornography are bad. I know that some are. But so are some cups of coffee and pairs of trainers (sneakers) when they have been made by people that are oppressed. Neither do I think all people that work within the sex industry are bad people engaged in badness. Again, I know that some are, but my guess is that people involved in the arms trade do a lot more damage to people than the average person that works in the sex industry.

In my church days pornography was bad … even though I used it. I believed that God thought it was bad. So I felt very guilty about it.

So … these days I’m not able to easily get alongside the Church and the God that I once knew.

It’s curious in a way. Over the past few years, for the first time in my life I think, I’ve learned to be happy with who I am.

Yet I feel that the God that I used to believe in wouldn’t be happy at all.

And it’s not easy for me to conjure up a God that is ok with me as I am.

So … I’m a lost kind of Andrea.

But yet, I’m not unhappy. 

For the moment my purpose in life, I think, is to be myself and to live life in all of it’s fullness … which, actually, is almost a Biblical kind of thing.

Tonight though, at this moment, I feel a great sadness for Cathy and John and Phillipa.

Maybe one day it will make some kind of sense.

A song by Julie Matthews from the CD Hitting the Ground Running (Chris While and Julie Matthews) :

Somewhere I walk alone

by Julie Matthews

Somewhere east of here

There is a storm coming down

Oh the hatches battened down

In some sleepy town

Someone’s life is shattered

Into pieces on the ground

Oh somewhere east of here

There is a storm coming down

Somewhere west of here

There is a baby still born

Oh the mother is forlorn

How to carry on

Or fill her empty arms

When all she dreamed about is gone

Oh somewhere west of here

There is a baby is still born

I could be anyone or everyone

I could be anywhere or everywhere

In this lottery of life

With all the cards we draw

Somewhere I walk beside you

Somewhere I walk alone

Somewhere north and south

There are two strangers that will meet

Somewhere in between

Fated it would seem

Drawn together here by chance

Or pulled by destiny

Oh somewhere north and south

There are two strangers that will meet

I could be anyone or everyone

I could be anywhere or everywhere

In this lottery of life

With all the cards we draw

Somewhere I walk beside you

Somewhere I walk ...

I could be anyone or everyone

I could be anywhere or everywhere

In this lottery of life

With all the cards we draw

Somewhere I walk beside you

Somewhere I walk alone

It’s curious isn’t it. I just switched on the music system … it’s playing random selections from a USB stick with over 30 CD’s on it … and it just chose this song as I pasted the lyrics into this entry.

At the concert I was at last month Julie explained a bit of where this song came from.

It reminds me a little of the concept of infinite Andrea’s.

Just a few days ago on a different walk I thought of how the seemingly trivial and unimportant things we do and decisions that we make actually change the affect the whole of our history … future. The people we meet. Marriages. Children. A butterfly effect kind of thing.

Chance and destiny.

Calvinism and Arminianism.

Feelings, Facts and God

Work is busier than I ever remember. Long weekdays and weekends as well.

Driving back on Saturday I listened to Chris While and Julie Matthews singing. It was their latest CD … Hitting the Ground Running … which I know I have mentioned before. All of it is excellent … buy it and you won’t be disappointed.

The song Four Walls by Chris While is so beautiful. Sad. Haunting. But beautiful. Fills my mind with thoughts. My heart with feelings. Eyes with tears. Here it is:

Four Walls

by Chris While

Four walls surround me

There are days when they close in

Sometimes I turn them into steel

So no one can get in

I regularly paint them

In different shades of blue

And the only one who breached these walls

Is you

I hang pictures on them

Old faces I love

My own perfect family

Watching from above

There’s an open door among them

That I cannot get through

And the only one

I’d go out for

Is you

But you’re far away now

A distant shining star

So hard to reach you

Or get to where you are

No conversation

No holding in the night

But you’re right here

Beside my heart

A fire burning bright

But you’re far away now

A distant shining star

So hard to reach you

Or get to where you are

There’s no conversation

No holding in the night

But you’re right here

Beside my heart

A fire burning bright

I woke up this morning

So sure you were there

Ah just another dream then

That we can never share

I try to relive it

And bring it into view

But the only one

Who knows my dreams

Is you

I try to relive it

And bring it into view

But the only one

Who knows my dreams

Is you

Listening to it tonight I thought of love. Of feelings. Dependency. Hurt. Pain. Sadness. Loneliness. Beauty.

I thought how precarious a thing love is.

I thought of how it seems that we need to feel loved.

I thought of God. Of feelings. Facts. Reality.

I’m not sure about the truth of these thoughts. They are just thoughts mixed with feelings.

I remember a time when however I felt … whatever I thought … I believed I could talk to God about it.

I think that there’s a strange tension between reality and feelings.

I’ve talked to people who have felt extreme levels of depression and yet have known that the feelings don’t fit with the facts. At the time … whatever are the facts … it’s the feelings that matter.

I know also that at times all a person needs is someone that will listen. They don’t have to say anything. Just being there is what matters.

And so … I can see that whether God is real or not … a belief in God as someone that loves unconditionally … and listens … and cares … even when you feel no one else does … a belief in a God that is like that can make a big difference to a person.

These days I find it hard to believe that God is there.

But.

Well.

Sometimes.

I wish.

Weddings, Transvestites and Jesus

Last weekend was the occasion of the wedding of my niece … or one of them at any rate.

It was great to see family and friends … and the whole occasion was wonderful.

My rather long and shiny fingernails were commented upon.

During the evening Jan … a close friend of Sally’s sister and someone that we’ve known for many years … though not very closely said to me …

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure … go ahead.”

I’m not sure of the exact words that followed on from here. But Jan was interested in the state of my faith … relationship with Jesus.

We had first met Jan at church … and she and her husband are still actively involved in things … Jan’s husband is closely involved in a well known Christian organisation in the UK.

She was interested in how and why I had got to where I am.

I talked about my questions … my doubts. And Jan answered them in the way that I might have answered them a few years ago.

We sat hand in hand and talked and talked.

“Jan … I’m a transvestite.”

It was a simple statement.

We talked some more … about gender … marriage … sexuality.

Who do I think about having sex with? Am I gay?

Jan’s husband dropped by as well and we talked some more. Sitting hand in hand.

It’s still true that I don’t really understand transvestism. But I know that, for me at any rate, that it isn’t just a sexual thing. It’s an expression of who I am. Andrea isn’t just someone that I dress up as. Andrea is me.

Jan and her husband pointed me in the direction of Jesus. But they didn’t see Andrea as an abomination. They didn’t talk about being prayed over …. being healed … or being possessed.

I know though … from experience … that diplomatic Christians will sometimes say “talk to Jesus about it and see what He says” … as an encoded way of saying “read the Bible and you will find that it says you better change your ways or else!”.

I don’t know for sure if that is what they were saying. And it’s possible that they weren’t.

Just as I would have done in the past, though, they pointed towards Jesus rather than to the church. The church … just like people … is full of contradictions and flaws.

So … can Jesus accept Andrea? Is the question meaningful? If I decided that He can … how do I square that with the people that say He can’t because the Bible says that He couldn’t possibly.

I know that at the moment at least I couldn’t accept a Jesus … a God … a church … a religion that couldn’t accept Andrea. And even if I could it would make no difference because such a religion … church … God … Jesus would be incapable of accepting me.

You see, it’s not that Andrea is a fetish thing. When I talk with people about Andrea I’m talking about me. I think that’s why I was hand in hand with both Jan and her husband at times as we talked. It was personal.

I don’t know where the conversations and thoughts will lead.

But it’s good to be able to talk with other people … and to discover … again … that people cope surprisingly well with accepting me.

Punters, Halloween and Swans

Here’s the Pink Punters picture from 30th October:

The original is here.

Halloween, being in the last Sunday of the month, was a Surrey Swans evening.

Costume was optional … so I didn’t … but I had black hair for a change.

I won a bottle of wine in the raffle.

I couldn’t help but say how horny Billie was looking.

But I was one of the few that didn't say Fangs for the memory to Kathie.

 

And some ladies who dressed for the occasion:

How do I look with black hair?

With Laura:

Here’s Paula … a different Paula than the one at Pink Punters on Saturday:

Paula took this one:

And here’s Tina:

A very pleasant evening.

Pink Punters, Wonder Woman, Cat Woman and Police Woman’s Panties

The Pink Punters visit on Saturday 29th was, as ever, great.

I’m managing to fit everything I need for the night into just one suitcase … not an especially small one … but not huge.

Laura arrived at about 4:00 pm and we set off.

There’d been an accident on the M4, just before the M25 exit, so the trip took rather longer than usual.

Usual kind of start to the evening. Check in. Makeup. Dress. Dinner at the hotel. Change. Then across the road to Pink Punters.

I think we were the first in … at least our names ended up at the top of the first page in the list of visitors for the evening.

We spent a while chatting with each other and then with different people through the evening.

It being so close to Halloween, quite a few people were dressed for the occasion. We met Wonder Woman, for example, accompanied by Cat Woman. There were quite a few cheerleaders around.

Wonder Woman had needed to invest quite a lot of time in putting a red skin on her boots. I never knew you could get such a thing as boot skins.

On a visit to the ladies I was just on my way out when a girl said:

“I can’t see so well … can you tell me what that says?”

My specs are in my handbag … so I can’t see so well either.

But I look in the direction that she is pointing. Stoop down a little and start to read.

“Tonight I am your Police Woman.”

Round about this point I notice the location of the words that I’m reading.

A girl is leaning forwards with her hands resting on the wall … bottom pushed out a little. Jeans slid down enough to reveal the pattern on her panties which are decorated with the words that I’m reading.

My face just a few inches away.

Well … like I said … my specs were in my handbag.

We danced a little. And sat some more and chatted.

Here’s me with Laura:

And again … but I’m not quite sure who we are with:

The Pink Punter photographer did take a picture of us with Wonder Woman and Cat Woman … but it’s not made it to the web site yet.

Talked with a couple of girls at the bar and then later with Paula and Sally.

It was nice to compare some life experiences with Paula. She is a TS. Neither of us really understand “gender” really … but are happy enough just learning to be ourselves. Paula mentioned a work colleague who is also TS but married and usually still inhabits a male world at home … but a female one at work.

Time always passes quickly. At two am all of a sudden it is 1:00 am again.

Eventually … at round about 4:00 am we head back to the hotel. By about 5:00 the makeup is removed and it’s time to get some sleep.

Accepting and Explaining

It’s strange how easy it is to become insular and build up little prejudices.

Over the past few years I’ve met quite a lot of quite different kinds of transsexuals, transvestites and cross-dressers.

All different in lots of ways and similar in others.

Mostly they are people that want to express a certain femininity in the way that they look and act … in the way that they are … in who they are.

Just occasionally there are challenges though. Once in a while someone that wears a dress or a skirt and blouse … but no makeup or stockings … slightly hairy legs … sandals … socks.

It’s a delicate kind of issue for me to write about here because friends that read bits and pieces of some of the things that I post will think of people that I might be thinking about.

Really though … I’m not writing about any specific individual. More about my own feelings on a concept.

There’s a part of me that feels that a person that doesn’t “make the effort” shouldn’t be at the get-togethers.

Another part of me feels a sense of shame about this feeling. I mean … if I’m not able to accept such a person … do I have any reasonable right to hope that “mainstream” society should be prepared to accept Andrea?

So … I know that I need to learn how to deal with this … and move on from a reluctant and passive acceptance towards a willingness to be a friend.

Today at work I had an unusually angry few moments. I work with software … and there is a recurring conflict concerning release date deadlines … feature-creep … mistakes … over optimistic predictions.

The deadline was the end of October.

At the meeting the boss expressed a certain degree of dissatisfaction.

I guess though that … whatever the circumstances … I’m not prepared to accept disrespect from my employer. So I made this clear. And I was angry. But, I think, respectful.

Thankfully, he respected this.

And in the end … by rationally and reasonably explaining the state of things he was able to get a level of willing commitment to work longer hours for “free” that would have been impossible to get by just ranting and raving.

And in amongst all that extra work … there is Pink Punters on Saturday … Surrey Swans on Sunday … and a niece’s wedding next weekend.

I know, things could be a lot worse.

Pink Punters, Pints, Lipstick, Bathrooms and Boobs

Friday had been a Candy Girls evening.

Saturday was a Pink Punters night.

My turn to drive … we set off a little after 4:00 pm and got to the hotel at about 5:30.

By about 7:00 we were all set and headed down to the hotel bar and restaurant and had a drink. Chatted a while with another tgirl then had a bite to eat.

Then back to the bedroom to get changed.

I’ve picked up an addiction from Nikki I think … so here are the hotel corridor shots.

Me:

Tina:

Tina had asked me …

“Why does your shirt say Pink on it when it’s black?”

“The secret”, I explain, “is in the colour of the word Pink”.

To be fair … the Pink did look kind of yellow in the hotel lighting.

But it made me giggle.

The shortest route from the hotel entrance to Pink Punters involves crossing the ditch. Kind of the the Bechers Brook of the tranny world.

Actually it’s just a little dip in the ground … but it is grassy and on a dark evening … especially on the way back … after a drink … and in high heels … well … it is a challenge … and there have been those that have fallen.

Rumour had it that the ditch had been filled in!

In fact … the ditch is there … but the gap is now bridged so the tiny little walk is much less fraught.

The security men say hello and we head up the steps and have a little chat with the lady at reception.

It’s still quite early and the place is very quiet …that’s in terms of the number of people that are there … the music on the dance floors never gets what I would call quiet.

We head to the top where the music is quiet enough to be able to hear people talking without having to use raised voices and buy a couple of drinks … we each have a half of Fosters … I’ve never known Tina to drink lager before … this girlie thing is getting serious

We sit and chat.

The photographer heads our way and takes a picture:

The original is here. 

There are loads of pictures of the evening here.

We chat a while about all kinds of things. I remember mentioning that one of the sociological differences that seems to exist between tgirls and ggirls is the way that ggirls never seem to visit the bathroom unaccompanied. I’m using the term bathroom in an American kind of way here.

We head for the dance floor for a bit.

Then back upstairs.

My turn to get the Fosters.

The bar is a little crowded and I’m standing behind three girls who apologise for being in the way. But I manage to perch at the end of the bar and p[lace an order.

“Mind your head” I hear.

Being a little over 6 feet tall without heels … and I guess a little over 6 feet 4 inches with them … I need to duck down under one of the beams.

“At least it’s padded” says the girl. “I’m ok” she says “way too small to hit it”. She has what must be six inch heels on … takes them off and says “see … I’m really tiny.”

I pay for the drinks and turn round to see where Tina is.

Nowhere to be seen.

I look here. And there.

Maybe Tina has paid an unaccompanied visit to the bathroom?

I put the drinks down on a table and sit down.

Just a minute or two later I hear a voice:

“Excuse me … are you waiting for somebody?”

It’s one of the three girls that had been at the bar.

“Well yes … I guess she’ll turn up in a minute or two.”

“Well … we were wondering if you’d like to come and join us” she says.

I collect the drinks and move tables.

We’re all surprised that Tina should disappear without the drink.

Very mysterious we all think.

We all introduce ourselves … Dawn … Emma and Annette … and, of course, Andrea.

They’re a little amazed that people travel from Windsor to get to Pink Punters.

After a while Annette mentions that she is Emma’s mum.

Emma explains how strange an admission this is … “you said I shouldn’t call you mum out here … and it’s been really hard getting used to calling you Annette when you’re my mum.”

Dawn is Emma’s cousin. I think.

Tina arrives.

She was sitting in an alcove at the end of the bar … hidden from sight almost … and had been wondering where I had gotten to.

Ah well … all’s well that ends well.

Emma and Dawn spot a tgirl sitting alone at the bar and invite her over … Erica.

“Can I ask you a question?” asks Emma.

“Sure.”

“Why are you drinking half pints and not pints?”

“Well I guess it seems more lady-like” I say.

But then tell the story that when my daughter Katie had asked what I drink when I go out on a girls night and I told her the same thing … she said I ought to tell a few of her friends that.

Dawn agrees with me though … half pints are much more lady like.

Emma vows to have a pint when the next drinks are ordered.

I’m not sure if Annette or Dawn gets them. But sure enough, Emma has a pint.

She looks at my red lips and asks if I’ve got the lippy with me still.

I nod.

“I’ve never tried red like that before” she says. “Will you put some on for me?”

At this point I think it wise to warn her that I’ve never put lippy on anyone else's lips … not ever … and she could end up looking a little clown-like.

“I’ll take the risk” she smiles.

I take my glasses off'. And I think I’m more nervous than Emma as I start painting the bright red liquid.

Here’s the result. It’s a lot harder to paint someone else’s lips. Honest.

 

“You look a lot better without your glasses … you should keep them off” she says.

Then everyone seems to be trying them on.

Emma:

And Annette:

No one can see a thing through them and they make their way into my handbag.

As time passes the drinks have an effect and a trip to the the ladies is needed.

“Do you err … well … which one do you go to?” asks Emma.

“The ladies” I say.

“Come on then” she says. Emma and Dawn head for the stairs taking a hold of my hand and drawing me along.

Another difference between a girls visit to the bathroom and a boys visit is that boys tend to get in there and then get out. To girls it’s a networking opportunity. And it’s almost a must to powder your nose or gloss your lips or brush your hair.

We brush hair a while.

Back up the stairs we step outside a while for a cigarette break. I just take the opportunity to chat some more.

It’s a cold night … but there are log fires.

A friendly couple take a picture of Emma, me and Dawn. I think I should have powdered my nose while I was brushing my hair.

Back upstairs and we continue talking.

Dance a while.

Visit the bathroom a few more times.

It was at one such visit … on the way out … lagging a few yards behind Tina and Emma … the place is a little crowded and there’s a group of girls waiting in an orderly kind of line.

“Hi” says one girl as I mosey along towards the exit.

“Hi” I say.

She introduces herself and I introduce myself.

“I was just admiring your shirt” she says.

“Well thank you” I say.

“Well … to be honest … it was your boobs I was admiring.” she smiles.

Well … unaccustomed as I am … I say the first thing that comes into my head … “… well … they’re not real.”

Not the smartest response, I know.

She smiles and looks me in the eye.

Places a hand firmly on each boob and begins to jiggle them around.

“They’re real.” she laughs … good naturedly.

Like I said … the ladies room is on a totally different planet than the gents.

Back upstairs again and a kindly couple take a group picture.

Annette … Erica … Tina … Emma … Andrea … Dawn.

 

 

I quite like Emma’s ring … though she says that Annette says she’s a real chav

A little more dancing and talking.

Dawn says Emma and I look like sisters … similar hair.

Emma says … “Well … thanks!”

A little before 3:00 am Emma, Annette and Dawn head away. We say our farewells. They are such lovely people!

Kim drops by to say hi. She’s at the front of the Pink Punters picture below:

We talk a while. Like a lot of girls that I’ve talked to here she says she likes the place because you can dance … talk … have a great time … and there’s no trouble … no fighting … just people allowing themselves to be themselves.

Anna (on the left in the picture) sits with us a while.

We all head downstairs for another dance … the music is more my kinda style at the moment … a little more oldie-worldie … re-makes of YMCA and  stuff like that.

Before we know it … it’s almost 4:00 am and we decide to call it a night.

It’s nice not to have to struggle down and up the ditch.

The end to a really nice evening.

Candy Girls … Wine, Women and Song

Last Friday night Tina and I ventured out to Candy Girls.

Tina arrived at my place at round about 9:00 pm. We were both pretty much ready … so a few pictures and then we were off.

Me … smiling …

and  then not …

Tina smiling.

The were just two little complications at the beginning.

First I needed to get some cash … so we stopped off at the cash dispenser at the local Tesco store. It was a little after closing time so it was pretty quiet and no one paid any attention.

And then … drat … I had put a bottle of wine in the fridge to take along and managed to forget all about it. So we stopped at the local wine shop and I paid them a visit. Candy Girls don’t sell alcohol but are happy enough for people to bring some along. Tina was driving … but I wasn’t … so the wine sounded like a nice idea to me at least

It being Tina’s car we listened to Radio 2 rather than Indigo Girls or While and Matthews … though roles were to be reversed the next day.

It’s a reasonably short and straightforward 30 minute drive to get to Candy Girls.

There’s plenty of parking and we were made to feel really welcome as soon as we walked through the door.

Although we hadn’t expected to meet up with anyone in particular, we’d hardly been there any time at all when we spotted a few friends … Nikki included! Cat and Julie were also there … friends that first met at a Trans Femme party a few years ago and also at candy Girls once before.

We spent a fair bit of the evening chatting and toured the premises taking a few pictures of the women.

Me myself:

 

 

Nikki said I looked great in this one … no face:

There were, of course, consequences for such wanton remarks:

 

Nikki photographing Tina:

And several stooges:

I was framed … honest … Julie took this one:

And we just dropped by the … err … well … the dungeon for a few minutes. Nothing naughty. We just hung around for a while.  

Tina took these:

I know … I need an armpit repair:

Roberta the club photographer checked with us if it was ok to take a picture. When I get to see the picture I’ll post a copy here for posterity.

A little while later we were visited by another photographer … same camera … and it will be put on the same web site I believe. The new photographer was about the poses … so it’ll be interesting to see which of the two pictures is most perfect … or least imperfect perhaps.

It was past 2:00 am when we left … closer to 3:00.

The short drive back … a glass of wine for me … coffee for Tina (ah no wonder she didn’t sleep so well). A little Chris While and Julie Matthews.

This is the song bit.

Then some sleep.

Evenings with While and Matthews

The two Chris While & Julie Matthews gigs have been and gone.

Both were great … similar to each other but yet different enough to make both worth attending.

“Worth attending”?

Well .. who am I kidding?

The “events” were fantastic. I remember thinking as I sat and listened … at this moment there is nowhere that I’d rather be.

Smiles.

Laughter.

Tears.

Even an invitation for the guys to get in touch with their feminine side … an aid to understanding the pain of being a reluctant netball player  and the feelings expressed in the song Class Reunion.

I think Julie must play guitar with a lot of passion … a guitar string broke at both events. It was especially cute at the Ram Club. Towards the end of a song the string snaps. Julie continues to play. At a convenient point Julie changes strings whilst Chris sings sans musique. A few minutes later the guitar is strung and the next song is about to begin but tuning is not quite complete. “Could you just adjust my G-string a little?” says Julie. “No … the G not the D.”All is adjusted. The show goes on.

A big part of both evenings is the new album Hitting the Ground Running. I’d bought the music a few days before the first gig but only had chance to listen to snatches of it. Hearing the songs live …. together with a little background on many of them … is great. Here’s what I remember of the introductions to some of the songs.

Carved in Stone: Julie was in Spain … beautiful mountainside. A cemetery where the graves were dug into almost a wall. One of the stones had a name carved into it … but everything else was worn away … illegible.

The Coldest Winds do Blow: Chris lives in Southport and at a certain time of year pink footed geese fly overhead from Iceland. How nice to fly away.

Rock of Gelt: The word Gelt,it seems, means money. Julie was one of the five songwriters and two poets that “spent five days in the remote Northumbrian countryside writing a new concert”. There’s a lot more info on this here. It seems a piece of Roman graffiti was discovered on Hadrian's Wall. Translated from the Latin it reads: Domnius didn’t want to do it. This song written by Julie together with Ruth Notman describes how Dominius might have felt. In the live performance Julie included a poem written by Elvis McGonagall. There’s other stuff about the event here and also here.

We’re not over yet is a song by Julie inspired by the style and inspiration of the Everly Brothers and people that wrote songs for them.

The Darkside Wood … by Chris … inspired by stories of Australian bushfires.

Somewhere I Walk Alone. Julie said that a while ago the mobile phone signal at where she lives had died. No mobile phone seemed ultra depressing for a while. And then came news that made no mobile phone seem to be not so unbearable. Things can always be harder.

Hitting the ground running. A break up … and the ensuing tug of what should be love.

Bridge over time. Another song inspired by Hadrian’s wall and the excavations that take place there. Sometimes so little seems to separate us from the past.

If you like acoustic folk rock then buy the album! I love it.

At the second gig they sang Jewel in the Crown … which features on a Fairport Convention album of the same name and also on the Julie Matthews CD Such is Life. The lyrics are here and these are they:

 

Jewel in the Crown

(Julie Matthews)

We are a proud land we stand for freedom
We’ve got the franchise on how to lead them
We’ve got the history and books to prove it
Give us a mountain and we will move it
We rule the waves and the seven seas
We bring the mighty to their knees
We offer hope and inspiration
A fine example to lesser nations
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown

We brought a system to the masses
Divide the nation into classes
It’s in our breeding and on our faces
At least we’re all born knowing our places
We’re raised within our social borders
We only take what our class affords us
It doesn’t matter that it’s not even
This is the nature of the demon
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown

We are Britannia, we crowned an empire
We came and conquered
We tore their borders down
We need no conscience
God is on our side
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown

We are your friendly liberators
We’ll free your countries from their dictators
For a small slice of your oil wells
We’ll send our boys in with their gun shells
We are an ally to the needy
We’re always caring, never greedy
What other gesture could be finer
We’ve given Hong Kong
Back to China
We are Britannia the jewel in the Crown

We are Britannia, we crowned an empire
We came and conquered
We tore their borders down
We need no conscience
God is on our side
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown
We are Britannia the jewel in the crown

History isn’t all a flattering thing if you are Britannia.

Freedom to Cuss

Mistress of My Fate?

Place, Time

Mother, Father

Egg, Sperm

Ordained Destiny?

Random Chance?

Free to choose?

Programmed to react?

Driving home tonight I thought about King James and his merry men. About the time we devote to the things that matter to us. The people that matter.

Somehow or other this led to thoughts about the choices that we have … and those that we don’t.

It seems that a lot of the things that happen to us are beyond our control.

And for some, it seems that reactions to life’s events are predictable. Almost inevitable.

This led to some thoughtful theorising.

Maybe  the biggest potential “good” that religion offers to people is a realisation that it is possible … to some extent at least … to break free of the programming. Free to be ourselves rather than a genetically guided response to an ecology.

The downside is that sometimes one set of programming is just replaced by another.

Of course, religion has no monopoly on this.

And it’s not just religion that can replace one set of programming by another.

And the new programming can be worse than the old.

I remember reading a book a long time ago. I don’t remember the title. But the author wrote of an experience in New York. He regularly visited a newsstand. The newsstand owner was an unfriendly kinda guy it seems. One day the newsstand man was so awful that the author left the newsstand fuming … in an awful mood.  And then he realised … it doesn’t have to be that way. He didn’t have to allow the owner of the newsstand to ruin his day. He had a choice about it.

I guess that the choice begins when we realise we have a choice.

And even then … it’s easy to forget.

If someone cuts me up when I’m driving along minding my own business … I don’t have to cuss if I don’t want to. I can smile and get on and try to enjoy the day.

Although … I guess there is a time and a place for almost everything under the sun … even a little non-violent, peaceful private cussing.

And some choices are easier for some people.

While, Mathews, KJV1611, Potties, Candy, Punters and Leonard Cohen

On Friday Chris While and Julie Matthews are playing at The Ram Club in Thames Ditton … not so far away from Windsor … and I hope to get along. I already have a ticket for the gig they are doing in Maidenhead on the Sunday … so twice in 3 days. Maybe I should become a groupie?

The weekend after it looks like Candy Girls on the Friday and Pink Punters on the Saturday.

All is quiet on the King James Bible Believers front. I am soooo tempted to pass on on a link to this wonderful web site:

http://www.pottytrain-dogs.com/ 

in order to help free up some of the web masters time. But I said I wouldn’t pester any more.

And here are a few pictures taken at a recent Leonard Cohen concert in Helsinki … taken by one of my most favourite people:

I’m reliably informed that Mr Cohen has quite a … well … effect upon some people. Wouldn’t you agree E?

A lovely thought.

Philosophy or Dung

Here I mentioned my ongoing discussions with the webmaster at http://kjv1611.org.uk/hivyersay/index.php

So here is my previous comment and the reply.

Thank you also Webmaster. I'm sorry that you feel my blog is "obviously" nothing more than a self indulgent ego trip. I'm impressed that you have read my whole blog ... I'm not aware of anyone else in the world that has done that, so thank you. I think though that to say that there is "no reason" in the whole of my blog ... well ... honestly ... that just isn't true. Honestly ... if I could look you in the eye and say this I would ... I firmly and honestly believe that the assertion that there is "no reason" in my blog is not true. This assertion is a lie. I would be very happy to meet you one day to discuss this further if you were willing. My whole life I have been a studious person ... ask my family or friends. I realise that some of what the Bible says is not easy to understand. But this has no relevance to my non-studious answers to the studious questions posed on your web site. I apologise if you find my reasoning difficult to follow - but honestly I am happy to meet with you so that you can explain to me and I can explain to you.
I know ...from your perspective I am blinded by Satan ... a dog that has turned to its own vomit ... a sow wallowing back in the mire. But from my perspective things are different.

---

Andrea:
It comes across that you are totally deluded in your philosophy ( so called ) and spoiled with vain deceit. Your blog is of a falsehood. I wouldn't waste any time browsing through your blog, I have enough dung to pick up after my dog.
There's one thing for sure though, The Lord Jesus is faithful.
2Ti 2:13
If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself.

I’ve signed off on the discussion. I don’t know how to have a rational conversation with such a person. My losing words:

Dear Webmaster,
Your words speak for themselves.
I'm sorry that your mind and heart seem to be too small to have the common courtesy to discuss things in a polite and adult fashion.
The reason I assumed you had read my blog is that you said: "Andrea, you talk about having “reason” but have none in your whole blog."
If someone were to tell me that there is no sense in the whole Bible ... and then tell me that they had never taken the time to read the whole Bible ... well I would be unimpressed.
I will now leave you to follow your delusions as you are leaving me to follow mine.
I'm sorry that you don't seem to be prepared to discuss things nor to answer any questions or respond to challenges in any way other than belittling and insulting the person that asks the questions.
You know ... I Peter 3:15 says:
"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and [be] ready always to [give] an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear."
I'm really, really sorry that you are not able to do this. Don't you feel that you do your Lord a disservice?
I feel that your Guest book isn't a place to continue this ... and realise that I am becoming an unwelcome guest.
So ... it's goodbye.
But please ... email me if you would like one day to discuss things. I'm always ready to try to explain why I believe what I believe to anyone that asks me.
Andrea

So … there you go. Which one of us is deluded?

At the last check … the webmaster deleted the above message … adding the text to the end of the previous posting:

---

Webmaster:
Heretical blog removed from site guest book

I think I am almost proud to be a heretic.

A little later I tried adding the message to the guestbook again. It was deleted again.

And then again. But was informed that my IP Address was banned from the guest book.

So … accepting the challenge … using a proxy server … posted the message again.

The reply is:

Yet Again:
Andrea, you came to this site and said that the KJV1611 bible was full of errors and the reasons were on your blog and named the page. I checked out that "blog," (named)whole and fully.
I was the one who asked you questions not the other way about as you are now pretending. You have gave not one iota of proof that the KJV1611 bible is in error.
As anyone can plainly read on our guestbook, we are more than willing to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.
There is only one here who is delusioned and thats you Andrea, because I have already emailed you with the question and you refuse to explain why you believe what you believe.
But up you pop on the guestbook again, under false pretense.
Webmaster

Also the:

---

Webmaster:
Heretical blog removed from site guest book

 

stuff has been removed.

I said in my last message that I would not add more to the guestbook, so I won’t.

However I have received no email. And I have made no pretences.

To be honest … there has maybe been mix-up of terms and phrases here. The terms blog and blog posting seem to have been misunderstood. And perhaps the idea of emailing a question with posting a question on the guestbook.

I did, however, say goodbye to the guest book. So I’ll leave it at that and maybe will eventually receive an email?

Egotistical and reasonless wallowing

In my most recent post (here) I mentioned the comments I had left dated 27th September 2010 at http://kjv1611.org.uk/hivyersay/index.php

Here is my comment:

Thank you for replying to my earlier comment of September 21st.
I believe that you are misguided over the issue of the infallibility of the KVJ1611 version - but also about other things as well.
I've written in a little more length in my blog at: http://andrea-wright.blogspot.com/2010/09/popes-cardinals-catholicism-evil-and.html I do though, respect your right to your beliefs and also respect that you are prepared to allow people to leave messages on your guest book even where the message is in disagreement with you.
Andrea

At the moment, the replies I’ve received to this are:

Tommy H. Heffner Sr.:
Howdy Andrea,
This is from another poor "misguided" King James Bible Believer in the USA. I was just wondering if you were saved by the "Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ"? You weren't if you read in the "ASV" Colossians 1:14 in whom we have our redemption, the forgiveness of our sins: OR in the "World English Bible" Colossians 1:14 in whom we have our redemption, the forgiveness of our sins; OR in the NIV Col. 1:14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. OR in the ESV Col.1:14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. OR in the Good News Translation Col. 1:14 by whom we are set free, that is, our sins are forgiven.
I could go on and on but I'll take the King James Bible Colossians 1:14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
Are you saved "by the blood" of Jesus Christ? Maybe you should check up on how you were saved!
Tommy H. Heffner Sr.
Bible Baptist Ministries
http://www.akjbible.com/

---

Hello Andrea,:
Your blog is obviously a self indulgent ego trip, as you were asked a reasonable question to your accusations. Andrea, you accused people of being mistaken. They asked you, “What may we ask 'are we mistaken about'?”
Your big answer goes like this “It begins with the infallibility of KJV 1611 thing. And the way that “reason” seems to be belittled and scorned whenever it seems to conflict with the infallible.
Andrea, you talk about having “reason” but have none in your whole blog. That is why I say you’re self indulgent. You like to hear yourself and be heard. If your statements to the questions posed are anything to go by, then you’re not very studious.
2 Peter 3:16 As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction.
By your own statements you claim to have been a Christian, and now reprove people of wanting things set in stone. Here is a scripture perfect for you.
2 Peter 2:20-22 For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning. For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
Webmaster

And here … my additional comments added today – dated 29 September 2010:

Hello Tommy. Thank you for your comment added to my entry of 27 September.

Honestly, I do not see you as being a 'poor "misguided" King James Bible Believer'. Just misguided. I'm not attempting to pass judgement on your honesty or personality or character. All I'm saying is that I disagree with you. I think then I am not saved by the "Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ".

Thank you also Webmaster. I'm sorry that you feel my blog is "obviously" nothing more than a self indulgent ego trip. I'm impressed that you have read my whole blog ... I'm not aware of anyone else in the world that has done that, so thank you. I think though that to say that there is "no reason" in the whole of my blog ... well ... honestly ... that just isn't true. Honestly ... if I could look you in the eye and say this I would ... I firmly and honestly believe that the assertion that there is "no reason" in my blog is not true. This assertion is a lie. I would be very happy to meet you one day to discuss this further if you were willing. My whole life I have been a studious person ... ask my family or friends. I realise that some of what the Bible says is not easy to understand. But this has no relevance to my non-studious answers to the studious questions posed on your web site. I apologise if you find my reasoning difficult to follow - but honestly I am happy to meet with you so that you can explain to me and I can explain to you.

I know ...from your perspective I am blinded by Satan ... a dog that has turned to its own vomit ... a sow wallowing back in the mire. But from my perspective things are different.

Please feel free to add to the discussion at: http://kjv1611.org.uk/hivyersay/index.php … look for the comments from Andrea dated 27th and 29th September 2010.